Am I being insensitive??

mchell9

I have a friend whose husband left her when she was 2 months KU.  She ended up ending the pregnancy right before 3 mts.

I have a hard time with this as you can imagine for multiple reasons.  This was before my loss.

During my loss she would say things like "I know what you are going through" and I wanted to scream so badly "NO YOU DON'T!  I HAD NO CHOICE IN THIS!!" But how do you explain that w/o ending the friendship??

As you know Oct is the month where we take time as a special remembrance to our losses and others- who never got to meet their babies or who had to say good bye too early to their LO's.  

She thinks she fits into this group...

I can't wrap my mind around it and almost find it insulting.  But maybe that's her delusion...or maybe I'm being a bad friend.  It's not like she asked her husband to leave her.

roundtheworldgirl

I don't think you're being insensitive at all.  It sucks that her husband left her.  But she chose for her baby to die.  You didn't.  Given what you've described, I honestly don't think I could continue the friendship.  But I have very strong views on abortion.

Mskharis

I agree. She does not fit into that category. If she didn't want to lose her baby, she shouldn't have ended the pregnancy. There are plenty of single moms out here that do it without the dads. I could have never done that. To me, that's saying you only love your baby if the dad is in your life. That really makes me upset.

mchell9

I totally agree with you guys...I guess it's just very difficult to make her understand this point of view.  I think to myself- maybe it doesn't really matter- it's her delusion- not my problem- I know the truth.  But when she puts us on the same level of loss- I have to BITE my tongue b/c it's like opening a HUGE can of worms.

roundtheworldgirl

mchell9:

I totally agree with you guys...I guess it's just very difficult to make her understand this point of view.  I think to myself- maybe it doesn't really matter- it's her delusion- not my problem- I know the truth.  But when she puts us on the same level of loss- I have to BITE my tongue b/c it's like opening a HUGE can of worms.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you can make her understand.  Maybe she regrets the abortion and is trying to make herself feel better about it by putting herself in the loss camp.  I don't know.  But I don't think I would be able to handle it - you are a better friend than me if you can bite your tongue.

nicobean1

This month is to make a point to remember losses, not abortions. I'm pro-choice, but if you choose to end a pregnancy, don't lump yourself in with me who lost a baby not by my choice.

Y'know?

mchell9

nicobean1:

This month is to make a point to remember losses, not abortions. I'm pro-choice, but if you choose to end a pregnancy, don't lump yourself in with me who lost a baby not by my choice.

Y'know?

Well said.  But would you be able to tell your BFF that knowing that they aren't in a good place?  That's what I struggle with.  She is super envious of my situation as she is still yet to remarry and move on in that aspect and this was 4 yrs ago.  

nicobean1

mchell9:

nicobean1:

This month is to make a point to remember losses, not abortions. I'm pro-choice, but if you choose to end a pregnancy, don't lump yourself in with me who lost a baby not by my choice.

Y'know?

Well said.  But would you be able to tell your BFF that knowing that they aren't in a good place?  That's what I struggle with.  She is super envious of my situation as she is still yet to remarry and move on in that aspect and this was 4 yrs ago.  

To your point, no. I wouldn't be able to say that to her. 

GTBrideKC

roundtheworldgirl:

I don't think you're being insensitive at all.  It sucks that her husband left her.  But she chose for her baby to die.  You didn't.  Given what you've described, I honestly don't think I could continue the friendship.  But I have very strong views on abortion.

I agree with this.

Mskharis

There is no way I could hold my tongue. I would tell her straight up!

knorton

This would be incredibly hard for me to handle. I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue, but I understand not wanting to lose a friend. I would be highly insulted by her behavior.

eas15905

nicobean1:

This month is to make a point to remember losses, not abortions. I'm pro-choice, but if you choose to end a pregnancy, don't lump yourself in with me who lost a baby not by my choice.

Y'know?

I completely agree but I don't think I'd be able to not say anything back. 

megjr8

GTBrideKC:

roundtheworldgirl:

I don't think you're being insensitive at all.  It sucks that her husband left her.  But she chose for her baby to die.  You didn't.  Given what you've described, I honestly don't think I could continue the friendship.  But I have very strong views on abortion.

I agree with this.

Me too

ringer10

nicobean1:

This month is to make a point to remember losses, not abortions. I'm pro-choice, but if you choose to end a pregnancy, don't lump yourself in with me who lost a baby not by my choice.

Y'know? 

This.

But I do want to point out- regardless of her decision. Ending a marriage is so devastating. She did choose to not carry on her pregnancy, but she may not have chosen to have her dreams of a family disappear. She is allowed to mourn her marriage and even her pregnancy.  You maybe don't need to be her sounding board, but if it helps her to come to terms with her decision, I don't care if she takes that day to remember.  Either way, I wouldn't trade places with her and she is probably very sad seeing what you have (a happy marriage w/baby) knowing she wouldn't have had that for her baby. 

mchell9

ringer10:

nicobean1:

This month is to make a point to remember losses, not abortions. I'm pro-choice, but if you choose to end a pregnancy, don't lump yourself in with me who lost a baby not by my choice.

Y'know? 

This.

But I do want to point out- regardless of her decision. Ending a marriage is so devastating. She did choose to not carry on her pregnancy, but she may not have chosen to have her dreams of a family disappear. She is allowed to mourn her marriage and even her pregnancy.  You maybe don't need to be her sounding board, but if it helps her to come to terms with her decision, I don't care if she takes that day to remember.  Either way, I wouldn't trade places with her and she is probably very sad seeing what you have (a happy marriage w/baby) knowing she wouldn't have had that for her baby. 

This pretty much is my thinking- I too would never want to trade positions with her- so rather than making her feel worse by not validating her point of view (even though I disagree and do think it's unvalid)- I just turn a deaf ear.  

PurpleK26

Being sad for her for her marriage is one thing. Being sad for her because she feels like she had a pg loss, nope, not so much.

I say you can turn a deaf ear, but this will still irk at you. If she brings it up to you again, I don't think you'd be a bad friend (and if she cares about you at all she be ok with this) if you told her that you're sorry that her marriage ended, but that you have a really hard time comforting her for a pregnancy that she chose to end. That you're sorry if she regrets it, but that doesn't mean she's in the same situation as the rest of the loss moms who would have never chosen this on purpose. If she feels like arguing it with you, then just say "I'm uncomfortable talking about this with you and I don't want to lose our friendship because of a fight, so lets just agree to not talk about it."

j_st.charles

mchell9:

I have a friend whose husband left her when she was 2 months KU.  She ended up ending the pregnancy right before 3 mts.

I have a hard time with this as you can imagine for multiple reasons.  This was before my loss.

During my loss she would say things like "I know what you are going through" and I wanted to scream so badly "NO YOU DON'T!  I HAD NO CHOICE IN THIS!!" But how do you explain that w/o ending the friendship??

As you know Oct is the month where we take time as a special remembrance to our losses and others- who never got to meet their babies or who had to say good bye too early to their LO's.  

She thinks she fits into this group...

I can't wrap my mind around it and almost find it insulting.  But maybe that's her delusion...or maybe I'm being a bad friend.  It's not like she asked her husband to leave her.

I would feel the exact same way.  Don't think you are insensitive at all!