Need help with advice for a friend (long)

mistresscox

I'll try to keep this as short and generic as possible, so here it goes.  

I have a friend with a 2 year old daughter whose husband has a drinking problem.  Our whole social circle knows it, and most of us have said something directly to him about it which he blows off.  In fact, for my daughter's birthday party I told him he wasn't allowed to drink at the party because I couldn't trust him to not get totally wasted (turned out it wasn't a problem though because he came so hungover he couldn't get off my couch).  

Anyway, today he showed up to his daughter's daycare intoxicated and the daycare had to call the police and the little girl's mom (my friend) from work to come get her because they couldn't release the girl with the dad.  He had driven to the daycare and had every intention of driving home with his daughter in the car.  

Now my friend is asking for advice and help, and I don't really know how to support her.  In my mind, this is a black and white situation.  You drank and chose to put a child in danger-you are sleeping in a hotel, enrolling in AA, not drinking again, and seeing a therapist for your problems before I let you back in our lives (or at least trust you with a kid again).  

She sees the situation more grey than I do.  She says she didn't see this coming (even though he drives drunk most weekends, has been too drunk to watch their daughter on more than one occasion, has "lost" his daughter/wife before because he's so drunk, etc), and so she doesn't know how to handle it.  I mentioned to her that it was a pattern and brought up several of the cases where his drinking has interfered with being a parent, and beyond that I don't know what to say to her.  

I want to be a supportive friend, but I'm at a loss of how to do it.  How would you handle this situation?  She's actively asking for advice, but the problem is that her view of the seriousness of this situation and mine are so very different.  I think this is a HUGE deal, and am livid FOR her-she's leaning towards making him go to AA and letting it go "because he already feels really bad."  What can I say or do to just let her know that no matter what I'm here for her? 

TARAnj

I would just be a shoulder to lean on at this point. she knows deep down that this is down right wrong and her child's life is in danger at this point. She knows that..you have told her.  She's in total denial and wants a good family, but obviously this man has a disease and needs a long term treatment plan. 

EastCoastBride

Sure it's grey to her.  This is why I believe in "never say never". It's VERY easy to sit on the outside of a situation and say "this is what I would do", but when you're the one living and breathing it - it can absolutely alter your perspective.

This is her DH, the father of her child.  As much as she might know what is going on, it's hard to out and out admit "he is an alcoholic" and realize that this could be the end of their marriage.  The idea of being a single mom is overwhelmingly daunting. 

Honestly, I would tell her what you said in your last paragraph!  You want to help her, but her not seeing the seriousness of it is making it hard for you to figure out what you can do....