Help. When did you child stop destroying everything?

veloelle

DD is almost 4.5. She destroys everything. Every doll's hair comes apart and is a rats nest. She has no regard for anything, it seems. I'm frustrated and at my wit's end, so this is a partial vent.

At what age did or do you expect your child to understand the value of items? I don't expect her to live in a museum, but at the same time, not everything has to be ripped apart, taken off, taken apart and ruined. I understand kids are curious, but where is the line between curious and being destructive for destruction sake?

I am starting a reward chart today. So far I have 1) make bed each morning 2) put breakfast dishes in sink 3) be nice to toys and 4) turn off light in room. I think #3 needs to be more specific; any ideas? My biggest issue is that she leaves her toys/crafts strewn all over the house, and I make her pick everything up. We've discussed when you leave a room, turn off the light and put items away. She thinks that if something gets destroyed (i.e. leaving markers out w/ lids off so they dry up), I'll buy a new one, even though I've specifically said no dice to that.

Sorry it got rambling, but I'm just so broken down about the constant sh!thole that is my house.

jlw2505

I have never really had this issue. We started young that you clean up as you go or before you go onto the next thing or either the next thing doesn't happen or you lose that toy for a while (be it an hour or a day).  My girls are very into cutting and gluing things and we have explained where they can do this and how to take care of the glue so it doesn't dry up.  We used to have stamps and stamp pads but my girls forgot to put the lids back on once - they were doing it before dinner at their craft table and when dinner was ready, they forgot to put the lids on.  I didn't look at the craft table until the next night as nothing was there that needed to be cleaned up by me.  The pads dried up and I explained what happened to the girls and have yet to replace them.  We have tossed a number of markers for that reason and they are way better about it.  My kids go to daycare and clean up is a daily part of what they do.  In my 4 year olds PreK class, one of the jobs the kids have (about half the class has a job each day and it rotates) is the clean up buy (no clue what the real name is).  The person who has this job goes around to each table and makes sure all the markers are closed and things like that.  I think you need to be very consistant with your DD.  If my kids don't turn out the light in a room, I asked them who was in the room and why the light was still on and they go back and turn it off.  We have made cleaning up and respecting our things a normal part of life from the get go.  I would start by being consistant, help her clean up and show her what is expected.  Make it fun - we sing the clean up song and have races (who can put away the most balls)

BrandyD06

my SD was almost 6 before she stopped being destructive. i dont know what made her start but i told her she would get no new things from me if she didnt. i started that at age for and it took a couple yrs but she finally got it. my son is 2 and doesnt do that he cries when something breaks so i only know from my SD.

hikerbeth

My DD has never been too destructive.  However, we recently started an allowance system for other reasons (behavior) and she has 3 simple chores to do each day (a dime for each) and 2 dimes up for grabs if she doesn't have tantrums.

She earned enough in a few months to buy something she really wanted and I can tell she takes special care of it because she worked for it.

Maybe something like that would help?

veloelle

I do make her throw away items, and she doesn't care. Every time I see a mess, I make her clean it up. I feel like that's all I do. She loves to clean with a broom and swiffer-type thing. But pick up is a constant battle. She leaves trails of crap in the house, and I tell her all.the.time to clean up. I guess I'll try a different tactic and up the time outs. I'm just done!

susanmosley

Maybe it all needs to go out of reach.  And you explain to her that if she can't treat things nicely and put them away, she can't have them.  Give her one thing, let her prove to you that she can play nicely with it and put it away.  IF she does, she has access to an additional item.  If she doesn't, it goes away.  If you can't respect your belongings, you can't have any.

BrandyD06

susanmosley:

Maybe it all needs to go out of reach.  And you explain to her that if she can't treat things nicely and put them away, she can't have them.  Give her one thing, let her prove to you that she can play nicely with it and put it away.  IF she does, she has access to an additional item.  If she doesn't, it goes away.  If you can't respect your belongings, you can't have any.

That only works on some kids my SD didnt care if she had nothing to play with. the last straw for me was i had a collectors princess of the world barbie and it was up on a REALLY tall shelf and one day while i was in the shower (after we had taken her toys away) she climbed up there and got the barbie and ruined it. she was 4.5 and both me and her daddy were steamed to put it nicly but you know what? she hasnt done anything like tha since.

DandelionMom

Does she have things she can take apart and play rough with (legos, playdough, outside toys)? Maybe she needs you to explain clearly -explain which toys need careful handling and how to take good care of them. 

A chart can be good for some children but it sounds like maybe you're trying to accomplish everything at once.  You might find it works better if you focus on one thing at a time. 

veloelle

DandelionMom:

Does she have things she can take apart and play rough with (legos, playdough, outside toys)? Maybe she needs you to explain clearly -explain which toys need careful handling and how to take good care of them. 

A chart can be good for some children but it sounds like maybe you're trying to accomplish everything at once.  You might find it works better if you focus on one thing at a time. 

she has legos and plenty of stuff outside. She took a philips screwdriver and screwed in screws for hours last weekend to some extra wood. She digs in the garden, has a sand box, etc.

I talked to her before nap time. She got her Jasmine doll and a book taken away. I need to keep on it.

I guess I feel out of control with the house. I'm not making dinners like I used to, and the place is a mess a lot of the time. I sit on the couch feeding DS, see the mess and blow my lid. I feel like we need to get back to how we used to keep house, kwim? Like a family makeover. I figure if I go into to forcing myself to do better, it will be second nature in a few months. Kinda like adding working out to your routine.

goodheartedmommy

Does she have too many toys? We were having the same problem, so we got rid of a LOT. A reward system for putting things away before she moves onto something else would be a good idea.

wellfleet04

Are they teaching her to pick up after herself at preschool?  DD wasn't destructive, but it was always a battle to get her to pick up her stuff until she started preschool.  Now, because her teachers told her to do it, she is perfect about putting her stuff away and does it without asking.  Maybe you could ask her teachers to focus on that a bit with her?  Anything DD's teachers tell her is the gospel and she listens like crazy to them.

susanmosley

So does she play with any toys in appropriate manners before she is destructive - i.e. pretend play with the dolls, creating something with her craft supplies, etc? or does she not know how to initiate and engage in appropriate play schemas?

susanmosley

Oh and, I am not sure that the expectation for a 4.5 year old to clean up and turn off lights before transitioning to a new activity is extremely appropriate.  On the other hand, when a verbal reminder and maybe a bit of help, of course she should be able to.  When you ask her to pick it up, does she?  Does she care when she returns to her markers and they don't work?