Should We or Shouldn't We? (sibs, m/c mentioned)

havinganother

Hi!  I'm new here and thought this site would be the perfect place to receive some unbiased, genuine advice.  My DH and I are trying to decide if we want to TTC again or just be happy with our family as it is. 

First, some backround information.... I am 39 years old (will be the big 4-0 in February, DH is 43)... We have 3 living children (a 7-year-old DD and 2 5-year-old surviving triplets, who were delivered at 25 weeks gestation)... We also are the parents of a DS in heaven, who passed away at the age of 1... All of our children were conceived via IVF/ICSI... Earlier this year, we underwent another IVF attempt, which ended in miscarriage... Since that m/c, the grief and sadness of losing DS 5+ years ago, has resurfaced.

I have a beautiful family and I thank God for them every day.  I tell myself that I should just be happy with what I have-- Enjoy my children and let go of this crazy notion to have another child.  But, in my heart, I feel like there is this huge void and that something is "missing".  The problems is, I dont know if this void is from losing DS and the m/c, or if its just the maternal desire to have another child.  What I do know, is my clock is ticking and I dont have much time to figure it all out.  As a side note: We are blessed to have EXCELLENT insurance and are eligible for 1 additional IVF attempt.  All we would need to pay for is medication, so cost is not a huge concern.  

So, my questions are: 1) What would you do if you were in my shoes? and 2) How do/did you know when your family was "complete"?  I realize this is a personal decision, but was just looking for input and advice.  Plis, I figured you all would be cheaper than a therapist!    Thanks!

Banana44

First I would like to say, I am sorry for your loss; both of them. 

I do not know that I would have the strength to deal with another m/c, and that is how I would look at the situation - but that is just me.  Everyone has their own limitations, and you need to know yours and respect them.

If I were in your shoes I would ask myself if I could make it through if the worst possible situation occurred.  If the answer were 'yes' - then I would know to continue.

Good luck to you - whichever option you choose.

boymamaco

PP really said it so eloquently I wont even try to add on. But I will say that if you decide to move forward with IVF there is support for you here if you need it. Hugs!

marjoriemitchell

I'm sorry for you loss.  I can't say that I know how you feel but I think I would be devistated if I lost my DD. 

After she was born I thought my family was complete.  But I think it had a lot to do with how traumatic the pregnancy was.  Now I would like to have one more and I hope that that will complete my family.  A million years ago I wanted five children, but I also wanted a tri-level house with a picket fence, big yard, garden, and at least one horse in a barn.  I still want the garden and the horse in a barn (I'm probably only going to get the garden).

I say that if it makes you happy have as many as your heart, health and finances can handle.  Good luck with what ever you decide.  And again I'm so sorry for you losses.

havinganother

Thank you for the warm welcome and for the insightful words.  I have asked myself multiple times if I could handle another loss... and the truth is, I dont know. How does anyone ever know?  A few years ago, I NEVER thought I could go on living after losing a child, but I have.  I didnt think I could handle a miscarriage, but I have done that, too. Both losses have hurt like hell, but I did survive.

I dont ever want to live my life with regret.  I truly dont know what would be worse-- dealing with another loss or asking myself "What if?" for the rest of my life.

I didnt mention this in my previous post-- (as it was quite long and windy as it was...) but in addition to the children I will never hold again, I also grieve the loss of a normal pregnancy and a normal delivery.  My first pregnancy was picture perfect and I want to experience that again.  I want to be able to "enjoy" being pregnant; to experience seeing my child for the first time in person as opposed to a seeing a polaroid snapshot...to be able to hold my child without waiting weeks to do so... to be able to touch and see my child without having to look through a small, plastic door in the isolette... to be able to watch my child breathe without a ventilator... to be able to nurse my child rather than waking up in the middle of the night to pump and feel like a milk-cow... to be able to leave the hospital with my child, instead of with empty arms... to have my child at home with me instead of spending 6 months in a NICU.  I want all that again. 

Thank you again for the warm welcome and sharing your opinion.  Its a difficult decision and I appreciate the support and the input. 

itsmevkb

Losses are very hard no matter if you already have children or not.  My second loss seemed to just make my first loss all that much harder.  I really think that there is a cumulative effect.  I'm sorry that you've had to endure all that.

I believe that you will know when your family is complete.  Right now it doesn't sound as though you feel that way.  There's nothing wrong with wanting more children although it's easy to wonder if there is since so many people imply that by wanting more you are somehow not grateful for the ones you have.  The way I explain it is that I love my children so much that I can't imagine not having more to love.

If I were you, I would do the IVF.  It may not work but at least you can look back and say you did everything you could and knowing that you did everything available to you may make you feel as though your family is just how it is meant to be.

Best of luck.

sunnydaisy

Welcome to the board, and I am very sorry for your losses.  I can understand your feeling a void, and it could be from a combination of the loss of your DS, the m/c, and the desire for another child.  They don't have to be mutually exclusive.  After my m/c, it really intensified my desire for another child.  At times I've felt guilty, like I'm trying to replace that child with another one.  In reality, I know that another child can never replace one that is lost.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, if dh & I both had the desire and the means to try again, I would.  The reward would be worth the risk.  As far has how to know when your family is complete, well... I still don't feel mine is complete, so I can't really answer that.