WWYD? Parenting a 9 year old
As Alex gets older it seems tougher to figure out this parenting thing. Babies, toddlers, preschoolers seem simple compared to the complex emotions now.
So Alex is in 4th grade. Nobody came to his birthday. (and nobody invited him to any parties either) His one good friend moved away to another school. Alex now walks around at recess and lunch time alone. Playing alone, nobody talks to him. It's heart breaking.
He used to be crazy outgoing and all smiles. Now his self confidence is crushed, and he's been feeling defeated.
I decided to have a Pumpkin Carving Party this October to increase the amount of kids to play with him, and get to know him. (not waiting til June again to have no one come to his party)
He's freaked out. He says nobody likes him, and nobody wants to be his friend. He's scared to invite anyone. I picked a few people - and one being a girl whom I really like, and he said everyone would make fun of him for inviting girls. (he's had problems with kids name calling too)
I want to give him opportunities to get to know kids and play since he's not doing it himself at school. I've put him in band - which he is enjoying. I wish he did sports when he was younger but he hated sports. Now he's awkward during PE, and not "one of the boys".
Do I force a party on him? How do I support this? Having autism, it's said if they can't make friends before they become teenagers, behavior becomes worse, and many get suicidal. It scares me.
Easter 2011
Re: WWYD? Parenting a 9 year old
(((Hugs))) to both of you. My heart is breaking for him. I know people say that middle and high school are the toughest years, but for me and my DH it was elementary school. I don't think either of us had many friends until we reached that age.
No advice. Just my sincerest sympathies.
Jen - Mom to Jillian (10/2008) and Hayden (4/2010)
My Blog
8 and 9 are so hard. Especially if your kiddo tends to gravitate towards one special friend vs a group.
Have you tried cub scouts? In the grand scheme of things, its isn't the program for social status - but - there is more chances of making a friend in the smaller setting, there is the benefit of belonging to something and I have to say - cub scout day camp is a blast.
When it comes to sports - I would try gymnastics. I didn't realize Alex was autistic - Look for a program called Big Fun Gymnastics, If I remember correctly it is based in Southern Cali. I went to some training with the program director (His name is Gene ?something?) and he specializes his gymnastics program to kids with special needs. Even if you can't find Big Fun Gymnastics, I would still find a gym to put him into. Everything about gymnastics is sensory, balance and strength, and is so good for kids with special needs. Another gym I would highly, highly recommend is Imagymnation in Simi Valley. Its a non competitive club and the owner is a freaking riot (who knows his stuff). Whenever I would do training, I would purposely seek out all of his seminars and then build my schedule around that, just so I could get as much as I could from him (his name is Steve Greeley).
At school, I would ask the teacher if she feels there is anyone Alex connects with. If she has any suggestions, then I would try to build an out of school relationship with them.
I think the pumpkin carving party is a great idea. I can see how Alex would be afraid of being let down again. You are in a tough spot with that one. Is there anyone outside of school that you could invite that you know will show up? Kinda like stacking the deck?
Have you thought of putting him in any other groups like boyscouts, awanas (that churches do), or anything that he might be interested in? Then maybe he would be able to make friends in those other groups and be excited more?
I don't know if I would force things on them though. Because if he doesn't want to do it, it may make him feel more uncomfortable. Maybe ask him about planning a party with you? Letting him pick out decorations, the theme, etc. Then figuring out who to invite from there like family. People he feels comfortable with, then branch out to a kids party.
That's really the only advice I have. Because I have an 11yr old and a 9 year old. My 9 year old has TONS of friends and is very outgoing, where as my 11 yr old is more to himself and has less friends. So this year when he started middle school I was really worried. DH and I are trying to encourage him to try sports, clubs, etc.
I wouldn't push the party. That will just make things worse. I would have open communication with his teacher. If the teacher really wants to make a difference she/he should spend some time doing a unit on friendship/feelings/self-esteem, etc. The teacher could also help out making him seem "cool" with a few tricks in class (make him seem more like a "bad boy" or a "good boy" depending on what is cool in his class.) The teacher can also buddy him up with new students and help facilitate friendships by showcasing his strengths.
Not that I have done this type of thing for 2nd graders or anything....
Yeah, I think Parenting definitely seems like it would be harder as they grow. Just yesterday I was thinking about how my daughter's troubles are so easy to fix, compared to say the social challenges of school age children and beyond. So hugs to you and what a great mommy you are for noticing this and trying to help him!
I like the PP's ideas about trying other activities. I have a couple family members on the spectrum and they have each taken to an activity. One really enjoyed theatre and gymnastics and another enjoyed outdoor activities like hiking. I just watched the movie "Adam" about a guy with Aspergers and he was really into astronomy. Does Alex have a passion?
Regarding the party, maybe it's too much for him? Maybe starting smaller with just a small group would be easier.
Sounds really tough and I am no expert but I hope you find something that works well for him!
Over the years we have tried:
Boy Scouts (that went badly)
Taekwondo (that was even worse, did it for almost 2 years)
He has an assigned counselor at the school district we work with
He has his own therapist, and he goes to an all boys peer group therapy too (but they said he might need to stop as he's bouncing off the walls and too disruptive, so they want him only one on one) And that was last night
I have talked with his teacher multiple times. She is highly aware. I'm going to do a follow up with her tomorrow.
Easter 2011
Many of the previous posters had made great suggestions. My 11 year old nephew is Autistic and on top of that he is homeschooled so it has been extra challenging for him to build his social skills and make friends. I would highly look into extracurricular activities to help him make friends and ?build his social circle?. I saw that you have tried boy scouts and Taekwondo and those didn?t work out well, but there might be other activities that grab his attention and help him meet people.
Special Olympics- They have all sorts of spots that he can participate in and he may not feel as intimidated with Special Olympics and regular sports.
Therapeutic Horseback lessons- I am not sure if you have anything like this in your community but if you do it is a great experience for kids. It can really help him build his self-confidence.
Boys & Girls club- again I am not sure of your community but we have a great Boys & Girls club in my community and it really helps kids build their social skills and meet new people.
Research and see if you have any groups in your community for children with special needs. My nephew is very involved in one of these groups and has made many friends this way. They do activities and field trips as a group, if he can develop some friendships though something like this it may give him the confidence to build friendships at school as well.
I would not force him to have the Pumpkin carving party if it is truly out of his comfort level. If he invite a bunch of kids and no one shows up it will hurt his feeling and confidence more. If you do decide to have the part is there any way for you to invite other children that are not from school and that you are confident will show up?