Parenting after 35

I guess I am done. :(

My DH and I have been going back and forth about having another child and mostly the indecision has been on his side.  Anyway, after two years of being in limbo about this, I decided to ask him this morning.  He basically said, let's wait a couple more months.  I said no, I don't want to wait any longer and we just need to make a decision and move on.  He really feels that it would be stressful for us financially, so the decision has been made.  We are done.  I cried a bit this morning.  I am having dinner with a couple of friends tomorrow night and one of them is pregnant with her second and she is having a boy.  Therefore, I will give her my DS's baby clothes.  I think it will be hard for awhile, but I need to move on.  I hate indeciveness and to be honest it has been torture, thinking that he may come around.  I guess I am posting this because I am in some need of some comfort and support. :)

Re: I guess I am done. :(

  • You have come to the right place.  DH and I had the discussion a few weeks ago although the indecision was on both of our sides, if he said he wanted another I would have been happy.

    I totally understand your sadness because I am experiencing it as well and I received wonderful support when I posted about my own decision around stopping having children here.

    The best advice I can give is for you to recognize that your family is complete now.  At least that is what I am working on and it is helping.

  • Thanks M. Amy.  You are so right, I have a beautiful, healthy son and a great husband.  My life is great!  I need to focus on all that I have and not what I don't have. :)  Thanks for your advice, much appreciated!
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  • I'm right there with you.  If we had started sooner, then perhaps we would have had another.  As it is, DH is 48 and I'm 41.  Plus, we're also looking at the finances and in this economy we're just not sure it would be in our best interest.  Although I'm okay with this decision, it's still a little sad to just shut the door and never look back.  So I look at it this way, like the pp, this is our family the way it is now, and it's perfect. 

  • Although we will be trying again for another, I can understand the frustration of not knowing. For us it's the question of will it be able to happen. (Went thru 4 IU's & 2 IVF's for DD). It's like you put away the things LO outgrows & want to hang on just in case.

    I think because you made the desicion, you're getting rid of the baby clothes, it makes it final & you can move on.  I'm sorry if you weren't both on the same page but I feel you both need to be in order for there to be no resentment later on.

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  • See my problem is I want more kids but... I don't want to be pregnant.

    We have 2 right now and I love both of them. I am getting a mirena put in, and we are going to have the discussion about DH getting snipped later on.  But as of now we are in agreement, no more babies.

    I just hate to think of DH doing it and it being so final, that we have completely closed the door!

  • Oh honey, I'm so sorry. We're here for you. Left Hug
  • Hugs... I am having a hard time knowing we are done too. I am trying to get rid of the baby clothes to help me move on.  My husband says absolutely no (I do respect his decision), but it is hard knowing I woud love one more!

    Boy 1 2/06 - Boy 2 12/07 - Boy 3 9/09
  • I'm sorry. But I think knowing is better than wondering. Now you can move forward with the family you have.
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  • I'm having an issue with this too.  If I were 5 years younger, i wouldn't think twice about having a third.  But now, at 37, do I really have it in me for another baby?  I know if I pushed, DH would get on board, but I am the indecisive one on the matter.  I'm sorry you're having a tough time.  Cherish the beautiful family you have - many women wish for exactly what you have. . .Big hugs to you!
  • I'm so sorry ... Left Hug
    image Nicholas Jacob born on 06/30/2009, 9.5lbs and 21 1/4" long Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Joshua Scott 5.3lbs & Jonathan Matthew 6.2lbs, born 08/31/10 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm sorry that it's not really what you want. I hate to put finances ahead of the heart, but that's just me, I personally would need a better reason than money. But you know what's right for your relationship, in the end you all need to do what's best for your family Left Hug

    DH is not 100% on board with the idea of #2 (he's worried about money too) but he's not against it either. I think I will give him until after the holidays, when possibly things will be better with his job and we'll have a better idea of what the future holds, then I will bring the subject up again. I would hate not trying for another just because of money, but then again, who knows if I can even get pregnant now at 40. The way I see it, whether we have #2 or not is in God's hands, we will probably not try any ART if it doesn't happen naturally.

    Me: 44 DH: 42. DS born healthy at 40 weeks 8/24/09. TTC since then with no luck or ART. Surprise BFP 8/6/14... MMC @ 8 weeks 4 days... Miss you everyday sweet baby angel.
  • Oh I hear you. I have 3 beautiful children. My 13 yr old from a previous marriage, then my 2 little ones. We are done now and I am having such a hard time excepting it. I have 2 girls then my boy. I just love them and love being pregnant. But I know 3 is right for us. :)  I am thankful for 3 healthy beautiful children!! Just still having a hard time with it!
  • I really want another baby but DH says it's too risky at my age.  I was so lucky to get pregnant at 44 and have a healthy baby.  I want DS to have a sibling and I enjoyed being pregnant.  It's so hard to accept that we're done.  I've always wanted to adopt and we may try to expand our family that way.  I just feel sad when I see pregnant women and realize I won't be pregnant again.  I got really hopeful when I was late but AF showed up this morning.




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  • We intend to be done too.  However, I think it is about health for you and the baby and home and money.  There are a lot of reasons not just one.  Also, every baby should be a wanted baby.  Both of you should be on the same page and you are and that's great!  Try not to cry too much.  Always later you could adopt an older child.  There are lots of children who need homes if you change your mind.  Wishing you the best - not knowing the right thing to say. . .
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