What would you tell your 2.5-3 yo when she asks why Grandpa is in Heaven?

NikkiBenzo

My dad died 10 years ago but I was very close to him and always wanted to make sure that my children 'knew' who he was. I have pictures of him around the house and I tell my DD that it is her grandpa - mommy's daddy - and he is in Heaven. The other night she asked me why he was in Heaven - I didn't expect it - what do you say to a 2.5 almost 3 year old?

peekaboo716

We go through this often with DS who asks about FIL (passed away before DH and I were married). We tell DS that he was very old (he wasn't but to a 3 yr old, yes, he was) and very, very sick. The doctors couldn't make him feel better, so he went to heaven where the sickness would be gone for him forever. Having grandpa in heaven means that we don't get to see him anymore, but we can still look at his pictures, talk about his fun stories, and love him anyway. 

And I am sorry for your loss - even if it was 10 years ago, I know that the loss is still significant.

jnicks19

I guess it depends on your situation.  My Dad died almost 3 years ago, my older DD remembers him (or at least says she does).  And my youngest was 7mos.  I try to be as truthful as possible and I tell her that he suddenly got very sick and he died.  We've discussed how most of the time when people are sick they don't die but in some cases when people are very, very sick they can die.

 Worked for us but it's not for everyone.  We talk about my Dad all the time and look at pictures and video so to talk about him, his death or his funeral etc isn't a big deal.

 

Now that I think about it, when it happened and my DD was having her 2nd birthday during that time, I didn't say he died right away.  My oldest was very verbal and mature and I did it for my sake.  I wouldn't have been able to handle her asking "why did Papa die" over and over for days. The wounds were all too fresh and I wasn't coping well.  But if it had happened years before, I would have done it as I have mentioned above.

NikkiBenzo

peekaboo716:

We go through this often with DS who asks about FIL (passed away before DH and I were married). We tell DS that he was very old (he wasn't but to a 3 yr old, yes, he was) and very, very sick. The doctors couldn't make him feel better, so he went to heaven where the sickness would be gone for him forever. Having grandpa in heaven means that we don't get to see him anymore, but we can still look at his pictures, talk about his fun stories, and love him anyway. 

And I am sorry for your loss - even if it was 10 years ago, I know that the loss is still significant.

Thank you. I apprecite it. Yes, even though it was 10 years ago, not a day goes by where I don't think about him and wish I could talk to him and hug him again.

NikkiBenzo

jnicks19:

I guess it depends on your situation.  My Dad died almost 3 years ago, my older DD remembers him (or at least says she does).  And my youngest was 7mos.  I try to be as truthful as possible and I tell her that he suddenly got very sick and he died.  We've discussed how most of the time when people are sick they don't die but in some cases when people are very, very sick they can die.

 Worked for us but it's not for everyone.  We talk about my Dad all the time and look at pictures and video so to talk about him, his death or his funeral etc isn't a big deal.

 

Now that I think about it, when it happened and my DD was having her 2nd birthday during that time, I didn't say he died right away.  My oldest was very verbal and mature and I did it for my sake.  I wouldn't have been able to handle her asking "why did Papa die" over and over for days. The wounds were all too fresh and I wasn't coping well.  But if it had happened years before, I would have done it as I have mentioned above.

But how do I explain what dying is? I can't say that he went to sleep and never woke up because she will be terrified to go to sleep again, ya know?

peekaboo716

jnicks19:

I guess it depends on your situation.  My Dad died almost 3 years ago, my older DD remembers him (or at least says she does).  And my youngest was 7mos.  I try to be as truthful as possible and I tell her that he suddenly got very sick and he died.  We've discussed how most of the time when people are sick they don't die but in some cases when people are very, very sick they can die.

 Worked for us but it's not for everyone.  We talk about my Dad all the time and look at pictures and video so to talk about him, his death or his funeral etc isn't a big deal.

 

Now that I think about it, when it happened and my DD was having her 2nd birthday during that time, I didn't say he died right away.  My oldest was very verbal and mature and I did it for my sake.  I wouldn't have been able to handle her asking "why did Papa die" over and over for days. The wounds were all too fresh and I wasn't coping well.  But if it had happened years before, I would have done it as I have mentioned above.

Come to think of it, we do mention that grandpa died, which is why he was in heaven. He was very old, sick, doctors couldn't help, died and is in heaven where there is no sickness. I think the actual discussion of death conversation didn't happen until well after age 3.

ETA: And no, you don't want to say he went to sleep and didn't wake up. We were frank in our discussion of dying. In FIL's case, it was cancer, so we talked about the sickness that even doctors can't make better. Grandpa's body didn't work anymore - his heart wouldn't beat anymore, so he died.

joseysbride

My daughter has gone through phases where she asks about death, and I have no problems telling her that when we die, we go to Heaven.  At 3, I would give a very brief explanation about why he died.  "He was very old and sick."  I don't ever want my kids to be afraid of death because we do belive in God and Heaven, and I've always tried to make her understand that when someone who is old dies, it is sad for us, but that they are happy in Heaven.  That Heaven is much better than anything you could imagine here, and we will all go there some day.

shouldbworkin

I just tell her that his body got really sick and couldn't work anymore.  She hasn't asked much past that.  now my 5 y/o on the other hand ... whoa!

AnnapolisLari

I've told DS that when someone/thing dies, their body stops working and they go to live with God instead of us. I've also said that it happens when someone is very, very old or very sick, so he doesn't need to worry about that happening to us any time soon. Seems to have been an OK answer for him, and hasn't upset him.

emilykristene2006

My DD asks about my mom all the time. She passed away 4 years ago from cancer and that's what I tell her. I stay away from "she was sick" just like some people do not like to use the phrase, "she went to sleep". I don't want DD to be terrified every time she is sick, KWIM?

xbrooklyngrl

My dad dies when I was 2, he was killed in a car accident and he was only 22. I always explain to her that things happen, sometime people get old, sometime they get sick...etc. Its very hard to explain and I just tell her its nothing SHE needs to worry about or think about but that it is a part of life.

KoriBrett

AnnapolisLari:

I've told DS that when someone/thing dies, their body stops working and they go to live with God instead of us. I've also said that it happens when someone is very, very old or very sick, so he doesn't need to worry about that happening to us any time soon. Seems to have been an OK answer for him, and hasn't upset him.

Ditto most of this but without god & heaven in the mix.  DD has asked why I don't have a dad - he died almost 20 years ago.  So I keep it as simple as I can.  "He died.  Sometimes people get really old and super sick, and sometimes doctors can't fix them."  With a lot of assurances that it won't happen to her for a really long time, dr's can fix most things, etc.  And then she asked if I was sad... 

DH visited his grandpa's grave a few months ago and DD was pretty matter-of-fact about it all.  And then she wanted to look at every headstone and asked DH every single name in the cemetary.  She wanted to say hi because she felt bad that nobody was there to visit them.

wildfloweragain

When FIL passed away 3 yrs ago we explained that he had a really hard time breathing (which she knew - he was on oxygen.)  His body didn't work anymore and it was his time to go to heaven.  She went through a lot of wanting to get to heaven, which is why she invented her imaginary friend who can fly.  We explained several times about how you just can't get there until it's your turn and she's okay with that now.  She once asked if we could call heaven and was pretty sad when she found out it doesn't work that way.

AviatorJJ

wow it's been 10 years already? seems like yesterday.

we tell Rowen who my mom is when he asks. and i talk about her but he hasn't asked where she is or about death or heaven. im not ready for that answer either. i try and keep things simple.  he is asking about the dead worms on the sidewalk and im having a tough time with that one! sleeping worms? uh dried up worms?

let me know how you handle it.

btw Rowen is back on the "nice to meet you" kick. thanks Jordan

Angela814

KoriBrett:

AnnapolisLari:

I've told DS that when someone/thing dies, their body stops working and they go to live with God instead of us. I've also said that it happens when someone is very, very old or very sick, so he doesn't need to worry about that happening to us any time soon. Seems to have been an OK answer for him, and hasn't upset him.

Ditto most of this but without god & heaven in the mix.  DD has asked why I don't have a dad - he died almost 20 years ago.  So I keep it as simple as I can.  "He died.  Sometimes people get really old and super sick, and sometimes doctors can't fix them."  With a lot of assurances that it won't happen to her for a really long time, dr's can fix most things, etc.  And then she asked if I was sad... 

DH visited his grandpa's grave a few months ago and DD was pretty matter-of-fact about it all.  And then she wanted to look at every headstone and asked DH every single name in the cemetary.  She wanted to say hi because she felt bad that nobody was there to visit them.

That just made me tear up. Isn't she sweet?

I've just kept explanations brief and went into detail as needed.

NikkiBenzo

AviatorJJ:

wow it's been 10 years already? seems like yesterday.

we tell Rowen who my mom is when he asks. and i talk about her but he hasn't asked where she is or about death or heaven. im not ready for that answer either. i try and keep things simple.  he is asking about the dead worms on the sidewalk and im having a tough time with that one! sleeping worms? uh dried up worms?

let me know how you handle it.

btw Rowen is back on the "nice to meet you" kick. thanks Jordan

Thanks MFJ! Nice to see ya! Yeah - it's been 10 years, can you believe it!?

I have a hard time with the dead bugs too! If I kill a spider or something and tell her I killed it - I'm like, hmmm I hope she doesn't ask me about what killing is!