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3rd Trimester
Only child?
What are your thoughts on having an 'only child'? I love kids... a lot. That's the main reason why I'm going to school to be an elementary educator. I'm not quite sure I want to grow and birth any more children after Emma, though. My DH and I have talked about adoption to grow our family later on, but we're not sure if we'll ever be in a financial situation that would allow us to take care of any more children. Period. Let me know what you think about having an only child.
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Re: Only child?
I want my daughter to have a brother or sister that she can have a good relationship with, even after her father and I are gone. My brother and I are very close, we have been through divorce, the loss of a parent, moving, etc together...he's been the only constant in my life and I am so glad I had him with me during our childhood. I want that for my kids. You can have friends...but there is nothing like blood.
That being said, I know not everyone is close with their siblings but I hope my kids will have that kind of sibling relationship that will last their entire lives.
I think it definitey depends on what is best for you and DH and what you want for your family. DH and I have been discussing whether or not we want to have anymore after this LO or stopping with only one. I am very confused as well, but after DH and I have talked about it, we decided that we will not make any decisions until after LO is here. And that's the only advice that i would give to you as well. See how you feel about it after LO is a year or so.
The biggest thing for me is that I am incredibly close with my siblings, especially my older sister who is my best friend in the world. I would hate for my child to not have the chance to form that kind of relationship with someone. On the other hand, because my sister and I are so close I feel that it is quite possible for my baby to develop a sibling like bond with his/her cousin(s) if I decide to only have one. Tough decision! Sorry I'm not help because I'm in the exact same boat.
I had an only child for almost 7 years. After I had her I did not want more kids for years, but now I am very anxious to have another.
Regarding the only child thing, you can definately tell my daughter has been an only kid for way to long. She is not great about sharing, she is very use to not having competition, and is a big sore loser, and we are working hard to lose the "its all about me" attitude.
Currently going through our second deployment. Can't wait for Zoe to meet her daddy!
We weren't sure if we were having any more after DS and I heard the worst reasons for having another kid.
"When you die they'll be all alone." Really? So my kid won't ever make friends or be in a relationship or fall in love or start his own family? I think that giving your kid a sibling is a bad reason for having a kid that you don't want. I know plenty of siblings that don't speak to each other.
"What if something happens to him?" Right, I need to make a replacement kid in case something happens to my son.
The only reason to have another kid is if you want one. If these reasons listed play into that then they're fine reasons. They are not reasons to have a kid that you don't want.
All that being said, after about 4 years we decided that we did want another one. Don't rule it out yet; everyone has the right to change their mind.
There are plenty of reasons to have more than one and plenty to have only one, but only you and your husband can decide what is best for your family.
Just a heads up, though. DH & I looked into adoption when it looked like we may not be able to have one of our own. I was surprised at how it would have been. I'm sure there are alot of ways to go about adopting so you'd want to do alot of research. What I found was alot of paperwork (which is good for the protection of the child) and a list of average costs. It can cost anywhere from $4,000 to over $30,000 (inside the US). Just something to be aware of.
Life with Blog
I was the eldest of a really big family and always imagined that I'd have at least 4 kids myself. Getting pregnant with DS was totally unplanned though and although he was a really "easy" baby it never felt like the right time to try again.
Well, I did get pregnant again when DS was just over 2 years old and even though we weren't planning for another baby, DH and I fell in love with the little person inside of me right away. I ended up miscarrying and DH had a pretty major accident 2 weeks later which laid him up for the next 8 months. I didn't really get a chance to mourn until the EDD came and went. Instead of caring for a sweet new baby, I had a full grown (and grumpy) man under my watch. The whole thing was a huge mind-fvck and I wasn't sure that I ever wanted to try for another baby again. It took this long to make that decision. Part of me felt like the age gap would have been perfect if that baby had survived and that DS was getting too old to really appreciate having a sibling in the house. Part of me wasn't sure I wanted to start all over again now that my son was in school and I finally had some free time to do things for ME. Part of me was terrified that I'd miscarry again. And part of me just really wanted another baby.
We argued with ourselves for years. All last year I was on and off the pill because of our indecision, hoping for a positive result and being heartbroken each month, driving us back to not wanting to try any more. We finally just came to the realization that if we didn't try again, we'd regret it later. We made a definitive New Year's resolution to TTC this year, went off the pill on the 1st of January and to our surprise got pregnant the same month, before I'd even had a real period.
I think the bottom line is that not only is each family different, but people do change. It's okay to alter your plans or decide that what you once thought was ideal doesn't apply anymore. I had always imagined my little tribe of kids, all close together in age; now, I couldn't be happier that I'm having a baby girl and that I'll get to spend QT with her now that DS is relatively more independent and in school. DS may be nearing six years old, but he is SO excited to have a baby sister in the house, and DH is looking forward to having a "daddy's girl" to spoil. It may not be what I'd always *thought* I'd wanted but it's still perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.
I lost both of my parents at a really young age. I was so grateful for my siblings through that time and many others. I think friends come and go, but family is forever. I have little in common with any of my siblings, and we live in different states and don't talk but a few times a month. I still know that we are always there for each other and I cherish the relationship we had growing up and now.
Also, adoption through foster care isn't really that expensive. It can be lengthy, but all you pay for is a couple of hundred dollars in lawyer fees at the end. However if you are more worried about actually affording the day to day things of multiple children, then I think you have to be the judge of if yall can afford it or not.
I totally agree. My brother and sister are my siblings. They are my blood. I love them, but am not really close with them. I'm watching my father deal with his sisters right now, as an adult. It is not easy, because they are not nice people.
I have a good friend who is an only child, but is so giving and so appreciative of his friends. His friends are like his siblings, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. His wife has two much younger siblings(both still in high school. she is in her 30s), and she is much closer to her friends than her brother and sister. I asked both if they think they missed out growing up as only children, and neither feel like that at all.
My dh has 4 half brothers and 2 half sisters. He only has a true relationship with one of his half brothers(all grew up in his house--it was like the Brady bunch, plus DH). We will probably be the ones to take care of my in-laws if they need it.
We are most likely one and done. Our son has lots of cousins and we have lots of friends with children his age. He will not grow up spoiled and he will learn how to share and will definitely be socialized at a young age.
If we feel compelled to add to our family, and we are financially ready, well then, we will try for another child. We will not base it on wanting our son to have someone to lean on, someone to take care of him(or vice versa), or someone to take care of us if something happens to him.
Thanks for your responses, ladies. It was good to get some perspective... my thoughts race around in circles lately. DH and I finally decided to put this topic to rest for now, focus on Emma, and revisit growing our family in a few years. I want to be the best mom I can be for Emma and the best wife I can be for Dan. That's the plan for right now and it's pretty much the only thing I can wrap my mind around.
Thanks, again
I thought a lot about it because of my infertility. I won the jackpot when I had my daughter and wondered if I would ever be able to have a sibling for her (and how much stress and $$ we would want to invest trying). I had decided that I was going to make an effort - but not at the expense of my sanity or our savings. LUCKILY, we got a miracle surprise and she will have a brother.
But had my DD been an only I think we could have raised her to be a well adjusted little person. Here is a good article that scientifically looks at the benefits (and myths) about only children. It was just published last month: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=only-children-not-so-lonely
Thanks so much for posting this! The article is wonderful.
The only child topic has been creeping into my thoughts as well and it was great to get some different points of view....but I'm also going to put off the decision and concentrate on being a new mom soon!
I am an only child and have honestly loved a lot about it. I value my independence and "alone time." I know we got to take family vacations and other things because I was the only child, and it's less costly. That said, there are times I wish I had a sibling who I was really close to. I'll never know what that feels like. I also know that people are judged and thought to be selfish for only having one. It makes me so angry, because nobody knows anyone else's circumstances, so who are they to judge?
DH and I have talked about this issue. We are going to see how things go. If we love our life with one child, we'll be okay with that. If we decide we'd like another, we'll try. We will just take it one day at a time and see where things take us.
I'm an only child. I think there are a LOT of misconceptions out there about onlies (They're bratty, they don't know how to share, they'll be lonely after the parents are gone, etc.) and that's sad. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having (or being) an only child. There are only children that fit the stereotype, but the same goes for first children, middle children and last children. But it is a stereotype. It's not the rule.
If a child is a brat and doesn't know how to share, then look the parents. A properly socialized child, regardless of birth order, will know how to share. End of story. Also, all kids are brats sometimes and don't want to share. Every last one of them. Birth order doesn't make a difference. My BIL is 8 years older than DH and he is the stereotypical only child, only he's not an only child. He has absolutely no concept of sharing, life beyond himself and is extraordinarly selfish and immature. He was treated like the little prince until DH was born and he's been incredibly jealous of DH ever since DH's birth.
To say that they won't "have anyone" when the parents are gone is ridiculous. I have my BFF, who is like my sister from another mister. We're closer to each other than she is with her blood sister. If my parents were to pass, then I would absolutely be able to rely on her for emotional support. Hell, she'd probably come to me for emotional support since she's like their second daughter.
Like a PP said, I value my "alone time". I'm able to sit in a room by myself and entertain myself for hours. I don't need someone else to help or to entertain me.
Onlies can make friends. They can learn to share. They can learn how not to be bratty. Having a sibling doesn't always make for a better childhood or a better life.
Unable to even.
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Thats a tough one. I feel like I could really give one child a lot (financially, emotionally) and would consider just having one for that reason alone. But...I have two sisters and a brother and the sibling relationship really can't be beat. I don't know what I would do without my sisters. My kid will have cousins around his/her age, but it's not the same.
Hubs and I are planning on two simply to give our first child the sibling experience. And the second I suppose! LOL. I don't know if I will be ready for another in two years - but that's the plan because we don't want them to be too far apart in age. Ugh -family planning is tough!
DH and I are both only children. For now we plan on having just one, but we eventually want our daughter to have a little brother or sister.
As much as we are okay with being only children, we feel that it sucks that she won't have any first cousins to grow up and play with like we did.
That's just us though.
DH and I have been talking about this a lot lately, with our first on the way. I like the idea of giving DD a sibling to play with, but that alone is certainly not a good enough reason to have more children.
I have a little brother who was born when I was 11 and he is my world. Technically, I grew up an only child, but I was really able to appreciate how special it was when he was born. I was in the delivery room with my mom, I cut the cord, and I spent a lot of time babysitting my brother as he grew up, so we're still really close. It was also easier for my parents having a "built in babysitter." That said, I don't think this is a decision you have to make right now. While my brother doesn't have a sibling his age to play with, he has a trusted adult closer to his age and more approachable than a parent to come to when he has a problem.
Whatever you decide, how you raise your child will determine who she becomes, whether she has siblings or not.