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Natural Birth
DeAnna&DavidRyder
member
DH role after birth?
DeAnna&DavidRyder
member
What is going to be/was your SO role after childbirth?
Cooking
Cleaning
Diapers
Feeding
etc.
I'm breastfeeding so i automatically have that one for at least a few weeks... so i was wondering if he should be in charge of cooking/cleaning and we split diaper duty or what?
what did you do? how did it work out?
i want to have a plan before i bring it up so it doesn't cause an argument and neither of us end up feeling like it isn't fair. but what i posted up there sounds fairly fair to me considering i'll automatically be up every 2-3 or whatever hours w LO to feed. ? idk. i need some opinions.
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Re: DH role after birth?
I want to hear answers to this too! My husband works from home, and has already said "well, from 9-5 I'm working, so I'm not on diaper duty!"
Gee, thanks.
Hmmm, can't say we really sat down and said "I'll do this and you do that." It was more just an understanding that we are in this together and we both need to be supportive and lend a helping hand.
That being said, when I nursed DD at night, DH ALWAYS woke up with me and changed her diaper while I got positioned for nursing (I nursed her in bed), etc. Even when he went back to work, he still woke up at night to change her diaper (he changed right on our bed so neither of us actually got out of bed). Oh, and I never asked him to wake up with me and change diapers, he did that all on his own!
We shared cooking and cleaning duties....although in the beginning he may have done more because I was still sore (like really sore!) and sleep deprived.
Diaper duty during the day (when we were both home- he went back to work after a week) was either one of us, there wasn't any sort of "it's your turn", in fact most often we were like "let me do it", "no, you did it last time" (We were excited to use the cloth diapers!)
For the first few weeks, I think we will be eating a lot of freezer meals and stuff from Trader Joe's. DH does not cook. His mom will come over for the first few days and hopefully she will cook us some things.
We have a cleaning person and that will stay the same, for sure.
I assume I will do all of the diaper changes in conjunction with the feeding but we will see how that goes. I am imagining DH being on hand to fetch me whatever I need while I'm nursing, etc.
My DH was awesome. I don't remember sitting down and laying it all out; it just kind of came together. But if you anticipate problems, I think it's definitely a good idea to discuss it ahead of time.
He was home for five days after DD was born. During that time, and for a few weeks after he went back to work, he took care of meals (most of which I had prepared ahead of time and popped into the freezer - between that and meals from friends we were set for a couple of weeks). He changed almost all of DD's diapers, did laundry, etc. I was BFing and didn't start pumping until 8 weeks pp (and even then it was only a couple times a week), so feeding was all me.
When DH went back to work, I was on night duty with DD. He actually slept in our spare room for weeks, since I was bedsharing with DD and she was up a lot. But when he came home from work, he would take her from me for at least an hour so that I could get a shower, surf the net, whatever. On weekends, he got up with DD in the morning and I could sleep in as long as I wanted to. Later in the day, he would nap. He did most of the cooking and cleaning until I was able to get a bit more sleep and got myself together.
I consider myself so lucky that he has been so willing to help. It has only made our relationship stronger, and I'm thankful for him every single day
<a href="http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y161/putalittlepolkainyourdot/?action=view
My dh is moving his classes all online after the baby is born so he will be home all the time until the middle of January. He already told me that right after the baby is born all I'm supposed to do is worry about me and DS and he will take care of everything else. He even volunteered to wake up at night and do diapers and burping. lol
He is really excited/nervous about the baby. He said "I almost feel like one of us should be up to watch him all the time." Cute but unrealistic. We will see how things go once reality sets in but right now it looks like I have the sweetest DH ever.
DH will be home with us for the first two weeks, so we plan to work together at everything. I will be bf so that will be primarily my role, but otherwise we'll work together - no assigning of tasks or chores. I'm lucky I have a DH I can do this with, he's amazing at doing his share if not more around the house.
Once he returns to work, I'll have 4 more weeks off full time. I'm hoping we'll fall back into our 'regular' chores then (example, I cook and he does dishes). I may pick up a little extra around the house since I'll be home more, but we'll see how it goes. I'll also handle all the night stuff while he's working and I'm not.
Once I return to work part time after 6-8 weeks then full time after my FLMA runs out, I'm a little intimidated about our roles to be honest. Nobody I am close with has ever been a working mother. My mom was a SAHM and my best friend is a SAHM. I don't really have a good role model for how it is supposed to work. I'm sure both DH and I will be doing extra, and we both expect it and are ready for it, but I am worried about trying to find the right balance.
I think you're smart to talk about this. Before my daughter was born, we didn't talk about it, and neither of us had ever been home all day with a newborn. She wanted to be held and fed ALL the time, and he was back to work when she was 2 weeks old. I never had dinner ready, it was a struggle to clean and do dishes and laundry. It was a lot harder than we'd anticipated, and it did cause a few disagreements, until he stayed home alone with her one day and realized just HOW hard it was. So we sat down and came to an understanding about splitting work. And when my son was born, if he came home to a clean house he'd worry that I wasn't 'resting enough', which was really sweet. But it took time.
With my daughter, my big things were nursing, washing the clothes, and keeping toys, clothes, etc cleaned up throughout the day. I sometimes was able to grocery shop, cook, etc too, but we learned pretty quickly that was not always possible.
With my son, even though I had 2 under 2, I was able to juggle it better. I got a system down on maternity leave and did a lot around the house most days.
You'll find what works, but it's always a good idea to talk in advance.
We didn't really discuss it, but it worked itself out naturally. DH was home for two weeks after, and did a lot of cleaning and cooking, even though he doesn't really cook much. We tag-teamed most things. Basically, DH will do anything I ask him to do. However, he's not really very proactive, so I do have to ask usually.
As the baby gets older though, he is more proactive about just taking her and changing her, or starting the bath, etc. I would definitely encourage you to stay on top of your DH and give him some alone time with LO (like even if you are in the house, don't hover) or he will be slow to learn to do things like changing and dressing LO, comforting LO, etc.
If you think problems will arise, definitely split it out first. Once DH went back to work, it was harder for us. We just live with a messier house. I feel pretty impressed with myself if I manage to do a load of laundry or vacuum. And DH takes LO when he gets home for a while to change her and start her bath and stuff. Good luck!
I think a lot of it depends if you are working fulltime as well or a SAHM.
Not to say that you being a SAHM means that he gets a free pass on the household chores, but just that you should be doing more.
The ease of your birth will also affect your recovery.
I think it's also important for Dh to have bonding time with LO, and also to get to know all the different duties so that he's confident when he gets left alone with LO, so he needs to know how to bath, change, soothe and put LO to bed.
My DH had ZERO experience with babies, so he really needed to learn everything and build his confidence. The first time he changed a nappy he said, "yeah so how do I clean a girl's bottom?" and in terms of changing clothes he was really scared of hurting her, or if she got upset (because she's a baby) he'd get really rattled.
I don't think there is a "right" answer, but just try and think through WHY each of you should/could do certain chores.
I also think it's important to be flexible. Those first few weeks are really about survival, and after that you can worry about a "routine" that will work long term.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
ya i think its good to talk also. we have everything split right now. we each know exactly what our "chores" are and it really keeps us happy with each other. i feel like its so much easier to appreciate everything the other person does when you actually know what they're doing haha
Well, what we did at the beginning for DS was we took shifts for the night - When my mom was helping out she'd take from 9 - midnight, I'd take midnight to 4ish, and he'd take the rest of the morning (I still had to BF all those times, but it helped as I didn't have to keep baby happy, and in the beginning DS had his nights/days switched around, so he was up most of the night).
As we went on, I took night wakings unless I Needed help (DH is a huge PITA to wake up). THis time I'll probably have him deal more exclusively with DS during the night and I'll do the baby's wakings. As for dishes/cleaning, etc, we didn't have a separation, really. We just did what we could, when we could, and if I needed a rest, I'll just tell him (and vise versa - daddy gets stressed out/exhausted too on occasion!). Curious to go back and read others answers.
For the first few months I will be doing everything. I'm delivering in NY, and DH can only come for the birth and a few days before/after and then he has to come back here to work. We have a housekeeper here who will prepare meals for him that he can just pop in the oven at night, so his life will be super easy.
I, on the other hand, will be in NY with LO trying to juggle everything myself. Such is life.
Well, DH is SAHD so he takes care of all of the above while I'm at work 9-5. I pretty much take care of everything in the mornings and once I get home at night, except for cooking dinner, my sweet DH has dinner waiting 90% of the time. I also take a predominant role w/ DS on the weekends, mostly because I don't see him all week and really like to have all the time I can with him when I'm home and this gives DH a break.
Now, before DH was SAHD and was working while I was on maternity leave it was pretty much the reverse situation except DH still did a lot of the cleaning. I was breast-feeding so that was all up to me. Diapers were pretty much whoever was holding DS when he needed to be changed and I did most of the cooking.
We didn't really discuss this, it just kind of fell into place. I imagine while I'm home on maternity leave this time we'll split things pretty evenly & just do what we need to in order for things to get done.
We don't have a plan, but already cooks, does dishes and does laundry, so I imagine he will continue to help with that stuff... Wen will also try to breastfeed and bottle feed (breastmilk) once a day, at least after the first few months, so that DH can take part in feedings.
On the other hand, he is already refusing to do diaper changing, so we'll see what happens with that...
I am going to have DH on laundry duty, cooking part-time, and keeping the house picked up. I am not expecting it to be "white-glove" tested or anything, just to have the floor mopped once a week and to keep the place picked up. He works so that I can stay home, so I don't mind having a larger load of the house work most of the time. The first few weeks I will have him pitch a bit more, but after that, things will probably go back to normal. I just know that having him home so that I can do "me" stuff (take a shower, a nap, get out of the house for an hour or so) will be worth its weight in gold.
Naturally diapering and what not will be split when he his home...that goes without saying. I plan to EBF for at least a year, so I don't have to worry about that.