Hi

mcadams1

I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm not sure if I'll be here a lot because this issue is hard for me, but I need to reach out to some people who don't just have baby blues and call it PPD or who just don't get it at all. I'm a mom of two- my first is almost 2 1/2 and my second is 2 months. I spent this weekend crying for several hours straight and then sleeping for 17 hours straight two days later. That's the final straw that made me realize its not just the anxiety issues I've been dealing with (had a really bad nursing experience with the first that was causing anxiety attacks with nursing and pumping) or ADD (I just finished testing for it and am beginning treatment) and that I'm positive I have PPD. 

I guess any other info I could add is that I wasn't entirely ready to try for #2 and was actually wanting to start a job and just move forward with my life but due to a miscommunication with DH, I became pregnant. On Christmas day I started bleeding heavily and the ER doc said we were going to lose the baby. I had to wait 5 days while my ob was on break to find out it was actually just a subchorionic hematoma and the baby would likely live. I lost 6 pounds the first day so I won't get into how I felt the rest of that time. Still, I started having big bleeds more often to where they said not to even go to the ER anymore. I was placed on bedrest for 2 months and had to stay at MIL's or mom's house during the day so someone could help care for my 2 y/o. It was really hard for me because time with her was the one thing I was afraid of losing with having a second and here I was already losing it. I'm also very independent and hated feeling like my life was so out of my control.

Then I got pressured into inducing and I have a lot of anger about that. He was born with a tiny hole in his heart but its already healed up. He also has two toes fused together and everyone is pressuring me to get them "fixed." I feel a lot of guilt on top of all this for having such a sweet little baby and still just feeling way too overwhelmed. I knew my limit was 1 with ADD and now my brain feels scrambled with two. Additionally, I'm a very hands-on mom and I cannot feel good about the inevitable fact that I can't devote the same attention to my second as I did my first and that I can no longer be there as much for my first. I liked the way I parented and now I feel like my parenting style is "coping" instead of teaching and leading as a role model.

I've been trying so hard to find a way to balance my wants with the reality of everything that's gone on, but lately, absolutely everything I've been trying to make happen has fallen through. I wanted to start classes to get my real estate lisence (my dream job-maybe that sounds silly but I love houses) and just found out that I missed the cut off by two weeks to get my lisence after one class. Now I have to go for two years due to regulation changes. That's two years I have to wait on top of time away from the kids and money for class. Stuff like that keeps happening.

I've been seeing a counselor for ADD and told her about these other issues more recently. I thought just talking through and working on the ADD would help but I'm just losing it. Reading it all makes me realize I've been dealing with a lot and have had to deal with traumatic things for basically a year now, so I guess I should be glad I'm not worse off. But I'm getting worse and I know how long it can take to pull out of a depression from a past issue. I just want to move forward and I feel like I'm holding myself and my family (espeically husband who works so hard and still finds time for the kids and to be there for me emotionally) back. I have so much guilt and sadness in my life during a special time that I should be enjoying with my babies. I'll never get this back but I'm so sad.

Sorry this is long and probably incoherent. I'm sure you ladies understand. Feel free to ask questions or chat or whatever.

sunny120

Welcome!  I'm so sorry you've been through so much!  I know it's hard to not feel guilty, but try to tell/remind yourself that you're doing the best you can.  Make sure you contine seeing the counselor because talking about how you're feeling really helps, and feel free to post here to vent/get encouragement.  We haven't all been in the exact same situations, but we have felt the same feelings (depression/anxiety/guilt).  I wish you the best!