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Suggestions to get MIL to open up to Step Kids (LONG)

Skylarv217Skylarv217
in Blended Families

I do not have a blended family but I am asking for suggestions for my new Niece and Nephew .

Background :

My MIL is very traditional and Old School. She is a stern woman and it takes her a long time to warm up to people. I've been with my DH for over six years and she is just now warming up. She got a divorce 18 years ago and has not dated since. 

My SIL was in a long term relationship and engaged for 3 years, that ended and she met a new man and married him within 6 months. They were married for 5 years and recently got a Divorce, SIL met a new man while in divorce proceedings and married him within 6 months to the day of meeting him. 

He is a great man that loves his two kids ( ages 2 and 5) very much. He had a troubled relationship with his ex ( they are military and she was unfaithful while he was away) and now after SIL and BIL got married they moved 10 hours away from home, but his kids live in our home town.

Now My MIL is wonderful with our 4 year old, but she wants nothing to do with BIL children. Going so far as to complaining  about having one of them along on an outing, or not wanting to be around them at all. She has been wanting to visit SIL at her new home, and cancelled a trip when she found out the kids would be there the weekend she was going to go. 

I'm not sure why she is hesitant to get to know the kids. They are really sweet, the behave pretty well when with BIL and SIL, apparently  Dicipline is a struggle between the two houses. I don't know if she thinks the marriage won't last long and doesn't want to get attached, or if it's something about not being her real grandkids. There are far more issues than what I have stated with SIL and acting impulsively and ect. so everyone in the family is worried about the situation. But that doesn't mean that the children should be treated any differently than my son ( the only otherr grandchild at the moment) 

I thought you ladies may have some ideas on how to get my MIL to be more open towards the kids. So that they feel more like a part of our family. In other situations I have seen children so hurt by extended blended families, and I don't want that to happen to them.

Thank you So much in Advance  

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Re: Suggestions to get MIL to open up to Step Kids (LONG)

  • IlumineIlumine member

    You can never ever demand that someone else LOVE someone, but you can demand that they act respectuflly and kindly towards them.  Especially when YOU are choosing to take on these kids.

    For you or your DH, the MOST you can do is maintain your relationship with SIL and the Skids. Continue to invite them to visit, provide them with gifts at appropriate times and maintain communication.

    You can also SHUT DOWN MIL when she says or does something about the kids DIRECTLY to you. But I would not initiate a conversation about this. 

    And I would let SIL know that she should stand up to her MIL.  If mom does not want to visit when the kids are around, then there will not be any visits.  If mom does not send gifts to the kids at christmas, then send back all of the gifts.  Etc.  And do not argue or conceed.  Just follow-through.

    A mother who wants a relationship with her daughter will fake it.  A mother who does not want a relationship with her daughter will not.  And who wants to keep a relationship with someone like that?

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member

    Honestly you can't force her to like/love the kids.  However, you SIL can tell her she will in no way stand for her being cold or mistreating the kids.  She doesn't have to love them BUT she should not take a dislike to them either.  SIL should tell her that AT THE VERY LEST she is to treat the kids with the care and respect she would treat any child.

    The kids have their own grandparents so will probably benefit more from little or no contact with your MIL.  As you say yourself, let's see how long this one lasts, so I would not 'force' blending the familie.

     

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  • KristipieKristipie member

    First of all, I think it's great that you are concerned for the kids and trying to make them feel welcome in your family.  As a new step-mom it means a lot to me that my brother, SIL and my parents are so welcoming to my new SKids.  However, I realized early on that my family was uncertain of what to expect (when I was dating my DH).  Being open and talking to them about it helped everyone adjust to a new situation including me learning about the fear from my parents that if my relationship didn't work out they would be losing contact with children who they wanted to develop a grandchild/parent relationship with.  There was also a huge discussion about what the kids should call my parents (again, prior to us being married) as they already have two sets of grandparents they are very close to.  

    I agree with OP that you cannot force your MIL to have feelings for the kids but she needs to respect them and try to get to know them and it is up to your SIL to talk to her about it.  I think the best thing for you to do is to encourage them to talk about it with eachother and if you are close enough to both and willing - to listen to them and find out why your MIL is being so distant.  The relationship will not be instant between your MIL and BIL kids to the point that it is with your son (that relationship already has a lot more history), but it can get to that point if it's not forced. 

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    The others gave good advice but I wanted to make a comment (although probably rude) about the "why" part of your post.  My guess is part of it is the old-school part of her and part of it is that she thinks your SIL is flaky and will likely not be in this marriage long so why have a relationship with the kids.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • Skylarv217Skylarv217

    Thank you Ladies so much for your suggestions. I know she's hard to get close too, but I just don't understand it with Kids. They are two really sweet Kids that are very lovable. I've only been around them a handful of times and they are really growing on us ( My DH & I) 

     I suppose it honestly could be the not wanting to get too close to them because they might not be around very long.

    She typically Vents to DH or I and I will have talk to him about shutting her down when it goes to a negative topic towards the kids.

    SIL has done a good job with them over the summer but was ready for them to come back for school, so I'm not sure she would be up for telling MIL not to visit if she didn't want to be around when the kids were. Maybe when she gets a little closer to them as well she'll make a stronger stand for them. Like I said there are a lot more issues, and I just don't want the Kids to suffer anymore than they have too  

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