2. I think you should really think about how special this moment will be for you and DH, and why from his perspective, he really wants to share that with just you.
3. Quit talking about this right now because you guys don't seem to be conversing, but instead are fighting. There's no need to fight about the birth of your child right now. You have 30 weeks to make a final determination about who will be in the room with you. Who knows? You may find that although you want your mom now, by the time delivery comes, you really just want DH with you. That's our story.
Thank you for all of your advice
BTW...we aren't talking at the moment...different fight altogether and a whole other story. But again thank you very much for all of your insight, the rest of you ladies too!!!
Kevin and I decided together that we would be the only ones in the room at the time of birth for our little ones. We felt that bcz we were the ones that conceived the child together we should be the ones to great them. It was a beautiful bonding experience with just us there. We plan on doing the same with our third. If you feel that you just need to have another person there with you then tell your husband why and then let him know how hurt you will be if you don't get to experience this with them. Also, take a step back and try to see it from his view. Maybe he views this as a very precious and emotional time that needs to be shared with just the three of you.
I think that's fair. I don't think he has a right to demand someone else be in the delivery room (ex. his mom), but I think he has every single right to say that he wants it to be just the two of you in the delivery room.
Did you ever ask why your DH was so adamant it would just be the two of you? (besides just the "father allowed")
My DH is also very adamant that it will be just the two of us, which caught me off guard because I thinking of having my mom in there. When I asked him why he felt that way he explained it wasn't that he was trying to tell me who could or not but he has his heart set on just the two of us for an intimate experience for just us. Once I learned why I agreed with him and understood (although, things can change).
I did ask him but the answer I got was that he only wants it to be the two of us, no one else needs to be in there, it's his child not theirs, they can see the baby when he is ready for them to...I've calmed down a lot since earlier and I know that he feels really strongly about this but when it really comes down to the nitty gritty he might be a little softer about all of this. I'm not trying to fight him on this, I don't even know if I will want my mom, it's just not having the option that is/was bugging me.
Well I think its up to you and what makes you feel most comfortable..because Its happening to you lol. Your pushing. Me personally I only want my fiance in the room. My mom and sisters keep bugging but they agrivate me on a good day...i cant imagine when im in labor how much they will bug me.
This. I plan to only have my mom and DH in there. Although DH said he doesn't want to be in there because he thinks he'll be freaked out lol. I am trying to convince him to at least be there until I start pushing.
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I absolutely want my mom in the room if it's possible. She lives 3000 miles away and is going to try and be here for the delivery but ofcourse its hard to tell when I will actually deliver. My mom is really important to me and we are close. I had a major surgery a few years ago and when I woke up in recovery I wasn't asking for my then FI (DH now) I was asking for my mom, all I wanted to do is see my mom. I'm just weird like that.
The one person I don't want in the room is my MIL. She and I don't really have a close relationship and I always feel like she is judging me (DH says she judges everyone, not just me). It's already going to be hectic and I don't need the extra stress of her judging me and seeing my vagina as I give birth lol. But, if she says she wants to I will probably let her, just to keep peace in the family.
It's no use fighting with him about it, it doesn't matter what I want, he cares about what I think and what I want, but I don't know why I would bother to tell him because it's not like it would change anything, he will still say no absolutely not to having anyone other than the two of us in there.
I'm sure he'll change his mind once the pain has you calling out for mommy!
It isn't about sharing the birth of your kid; it's about having good emotional support for YOU. Having a person there who you love and care about who has been through it before is really, really good for you.
Pregnancy # 6 4 missed chances 2 loving children 1 on the way
No, but since when does a healthy marriage involve one partner having to 'dictate' to the other?
If this is of great importance to him (and it sounds like it is), you'd be wise to honor his opinion and have a deep discussion with him about your feelings if you do not agree with him.
Hopefully you can come to a decision, whatever that is, that's comfortable to both of you.
when I woke up in recovery I wasn't asking for my then FI (DH now) I was asking for my mom, all I wanted to do is see my mom. I'm just weird like that.
I just think that it's weird to have everyone in the room..sisters, cousins, friends, moms... IMHO...too many cooks in the kitchen.
Giving birth is a personal thing that my husband and I will share..and I would like to keep it that way.
This! I'm a L&D nurse and sometimes too many people isn't a good thing. I ALWAYS love deliveries when its just the mom and dad because it is so much more personal.
A RN I work with says this "if they weren't in the room when you made the baby, they shouldn't be in the room when the baby comes out." Love that!
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To be blunt, it is your vagina therefore you rank over his opinion. It should be a joint decision however if he is going rude about then try a different approach to talking to him about it. Is there a reason why he is so persistent or is it just what he wants? You need to be able to discuss this openly with him and both see each other sides.
I'm with another poster who mentioned that they are very close to their mom. As the only, late life, child of a single parent (my father passed away when I was 12) I'm DEFINITELY giving my mom the option to be in the room when baby Lo comes out. My husband knew better than to comment on this from the word go. So I'm lucky in that way. However, my mom is an RN of going on 40 years and I trust her medical advice more than most doctors I've seen.
You should really have options. Maybe you should mention to your OB that you'd like to talk to birth plan at a later appt. and try to open a discussion with your husband with his/her help? Maybe the OB could point out that the mother should have options if she feels like she'd need additional support? Maybe the unbiased third party opinion could help expand his horizons? I know that I can talk about something until I'm blue in the face, but sometimes what my DH needs is the third party voice.
personally; when i had my first baby i didn't want anyone other the my DH, the doctor, and the nurses. i mean, think about it... do you honestly want the WHOLE WORLD seeing your privates?
Sounds to me like you are going to have bigger problems than who's in the delivery room. You and your DH need to learn how to talk and compromise. This will certainly not be the last disagreement regarding parenting and your baby.
To be blunt, it is your vagina therefore you rank over his opinion. It should be a joint decision however if he is going rude about then try a different approach to talking to him about it. Is there a reason why he is so persistent or is it just what he wants? You need to be able to discuss this openly with him and both see each other sides.
It's just what he wants. He wants it to be only the 3 of us and it's his kid and he wants to share this moment with me, him and the baby only. I see his point and as of yet I only want it to be us, but what if I change my mind? I also think my mom might be really hurt, I know she's a big girl she will get over it, it's just that I would like some say so on this without a fight.
Sounds to me like you are going to have bigger problems than who's in the delivery room. You and your DH need to learn how to talk and compromise. This will certainly not be the last disagreement regarding parenting and your baby.
Normally we have extremely civilized conversations and usually we are much better about communicating, every once in a while though we hit a speed bump such as this one, as every couple does. I also realize that he gives in to me a lot, I also need to learn to do the same.
Sounds to me like you are going to have bigger problems than who's in the delivery room. You and your DH need to learn how to talk and compromise. This will certainly not be the last disagreement regarding parenting and your baby.
Normally we have extremely civilized conversations and usually we are much better about communicating, every once in a while though we hit a speed bump such as this one, as every couple does. I also realize that he gives in to me a lot, I also need to learn to do the same.
Well, I've read all of this with interest. I'll say that I'm the DH in question. I would like to clarify my viewpoint. Before I do that I hope none of you think it's odd that I read these boards. I'm very involved in this pregnancy because I'm every bit as excited about it as my wife. I'm not here to make an argument or anything, just clarify my opinion and let you all continue to discuss the issue. I don't normally post on these boards because they are really a forum for her, but I do read them because I think a woman's viewpoint of childbirth is interesting.
I have been through this before. I have a daughter with a previous person. I know what to expect and how things will go (assuming no complications). Some of you hit on the points that form a major part of my desires. There are a few moments in life that are very precious and, in my opinion, meant to be shared with only me and my wife. Those would be the first few moments we spent as husband and wife in our bedroom and the birth of our child. I can tell you, as a father, there are a lot of expectations in life. I am expected to provide for my family and support my wife and children. Other then the reward of having these wonderful people in my life, I also believe that I have the right to say that I don't want anyone else in the room to share the very precious first moments of my child's life. Those moments are for my wife and I to share and remember. I do love my wife's mother, but I don't want to share something so rare and precious with anyone other than my wife. I am firm about it because it is important to me. I do care about her opinion, but this is something I'm not going to change my mind about.
I know enough about medicine that I know she has the ultimate choice in the hospital. Like I told her, she can override me if she wants, but I will be upset about it. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to fight with her during labor, but we would be having a very serious discussion when everything was over. In my opinion, it's incredibly disrespectful to tell a man that "it's our baby" or that he is as important (or as responsible) in the child's life as the mother, but then tell him he ultimately doesn't get to have an opinion about who can share the first moments of his child's life. I wouldn't dream of asking her to have anyone in the room that she was uncomfortable with and I would hope to get the same respect.
To answer some of the other questions...I'm not controlling of everything in her life. In fact, I've left the vast majority of the decisions about the delivery up to her. I wouldn't have any problem with her wanting (or not wanting) medication during labor. I am against elective c-section because vaginal birth is safer. We normally have very good communication, but for some reason this issue seemed to put a wall between us. Thank you all for commenting on her post. You all always give her comfort during a tough time and it allows me time to organize my thoughts for her. If you've suffered through this whole long-winded response you are even more appreciated!
I understand where you are coming from, I really do. I was more focused on the birthing process instead of once the baby is here. Giving birth is probably one of the most draining, emotional, painful, uncomfortable and terrifying moments in a women's life and sometimes it does help to have someone in the room who has gone through it before. If her mom can give her comfort, encouragement and words of wisdom that you can't, then please give her that. IF her mom can give her a little bit of peace during this process, then please give it to her.
That being said, some women don't want their moms in the room for the very reasons you mentioned. However, some women think that their moms can be of comfort to them in the birthing process, and if that is what they want, since they are the ones going through it, then please let her have that.
In my case I had a c-section and once my baby was born my husband was off with her to take pictures, to touch her, to see what she weighed and to hold her. I'm just saying it would have been nice to have someone by my side as I was being sewn up instead of the anethesiologist.
DH has left the decision up to me. I do not want anyone other than DH at the hospital. Period. He is to call NO ONE when I go into labor. He can only call after the baby is born.
I am SO with you there. I love my dad and sister and in-laws but I really want it to just be about the three of us for at least a day.
I have a slightly differing opinion than most women on here. I understand that it is your body, but your husband wasn't just a sperm donor. This is a very intimate time for you as a couple. (No one was in the room when the baby was conceived!) You would prefer one thing (people in the room), he prefers another (just the two of you.) At the end of the day, it's not about who's 'dictating' what, but a decision has to be made. Realize that your preference is no more important than his, be a loving wife, and graciously put his desires before your's.
If you're worried about being scared, etc while in delivery, be prepared before you go in. Take birthing classes, get educated on your options, decide what you want your birthing plan to look like. Get him to the classes too so that he knows how to coach you through. Get prepared as a team.
I believe that you are the one pushing the baby out so its your decision! I think its ok for you guys to discuss and him to have an opinion but when it comes down to it, you should be able to have whoever you want!
Personally, when I am sick or in pain, no matter how old I am, I want my mommy and if he doesnt like it then he can get the H&LL out!!!!
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The bottom line is that your husband is being a jackass. This is JUST as much your decision, and if you keep letting him dictate your life for you, things are going to be miserable. This is something you two should AGREE on ... it's not about what one or the other wants. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP where you work TOGETHER on things. I propose marriage counseling before you make any decisions, and before this baby is born.
Amen to that, my mom drives me insane on a normal day, let alone with all the excitement going on, I plan on just me and the hubby in the delivery room, and we will call everyone a few hours after the baby is born...sometimes "the more, the merrier" is not always the case!
This is my opinion exactly. No one is called until after for a number of reasons. No family is going to be in the delivery but my husband. I want to share this with just him. I want him to be a part of it and experience every minute. I don't want a whole team of people waiting for hours in the delivery room. What's the point of that? There's nothing they can do. I also have a strong opinion about having a good solid amount of time with just my husband, little one and I after the birth. I don't want anyone even waiting to see the baby until I feel we have had some significant time with him/her to soak it all in. I don't want to feel like we have to hurry up and get our time with him/her so that others can get in the room. It's special, it's private, and you can only have those first moments once. Plus, I truly don't want a bunch of people in when I'm likely feeling my worst. They can wait until we're reading for visitors.
Re: Speaking of who should/nt be in the delivery room...
Thank you for all of your advice
BTW...we aren't talking at the moment...different fight altogether and a whole other story. But again thank you very much for all of your insight, the rest of you ladies too!!!
Did you ever ask why your DH was so adamant it would just be the two of you? (besides just the "father allowed")
My DH is also very adamant that it will be just the two of us, which caught me off guard because I thinking of having my mom in there. When I asked him why he felt that way he explained it wasn't that he was trying to tell me who could or not but he has his heart set on just the two of us for an intimate experience for just us. Once I learned why I agreed with him and understood (although, things can change).
This. I plan to only have my mom and DH in there. Although DH said he doesn't want to be in there because he thinks he'll be freaked out lol. I am trying to convince him to at least be there until I start pushing.
I absolutely want my mom in the room if it's possible. She lives 3000 miles away and is going to try and be here for the delivery but ofcourse its hard to tell when I will actually deliver. My mom is really important to me and we are close. I had a major surgery a few years ago and when I woke up in recovery I wasn't asking for my then FI (DH now) I was asking for my mom, all I wanted to do is see my mom. I'm just weird like that.
The one person I don't want in the room is my MIL. She and I don't really have a close relationship and I always feel like she is judging me (DH says she judges everyone, not just me). It's already going to be hectic and I don't need the extra stress of her judging me and seeing my vagina as I give birth lol. But, if she says she wants to I will probably let her, just to keep peace in the family.
I'm sure he'll change his mind once the pain has you calling out for mommy!
It isn't about sharing the birth of your kid; it's about having good emotional support for YOU. Having a person there who you love and care about who has been through it before is really, really good for you.
Pregnancy # 6
4 missed chances
2 loving children
1 on the way
No, but since when does a healthy marriage involve one partner having to 'dictate' to the other?
If this is of great importance to him (and it sounds like it is), you'd be wise to honor his opinion and have a deep discussion with him about your feelings if you do not agree with him.
Hopefully you can come to a decision, whatever that is, that's comfortable to both of you.
Wow.
This! I'm a L&D nurse and sometimes too many people isn't a good thing. I ALWAYS love deliveries when its just the mom and dad because it is so much more personal.
A RN I work with says this "if they weren't in the room when you made the baby, they shouldn't be in the room when the baby comes out." Love that!
I'm with another poster who mentioned that they are very close to their mom. As the only, late life, child of a single parent (my father passed away when I was 12) I'm DEFINITELY giving my mom the option to be in the room when baby Lo comes out. My husband knew better than to comment on this from the word go. So I'm lucky in that way. However, my mom is an RN of going on 40 years and I trust her medical advice more than most doctors I've seen.
You should really have options. Maybe you should mention to your OB that you'd like to talk to birth plan at a later appt. and try to open a discussion with your husband with his/her help? Maybe the OB could point out that the mother should have options if she feels like she'd need additional support? Maybe the unbiased third party opinion could help expand his horizons? I know that I can talk about something until I'm blue in the face, but sometimes what my DH needs is the third party voice.
Just my $.02.
Normally we have extremely civilized conversations and usually we are much better about communicating, every once in a while though we hit a speed bump such as this one, as every couple does. I also realize that he gives in to me a lot, I also need to learn to do the same.
Normally we have extremely civilized conversations and usually we are much better about communicating, every once in a while though we hit a speed bump such as this one, as every couple does. I also realize that he gives in to me a lot, I also need to learn to do the same.
Well, I've read all of this with interest. I'll say that I'm the DH in question. I would like to clarify my viewpoint. Before I do that I hope none of you think it's odd that I read these boards. I'm very involved in this pregnancy because I'm every bit as excited about it as my wife. I'm not here to make an argument or anything, just clarify my opinion and let you all continue to discuss the issue. I don't normally post on these boards because they are really a forum for her, but I do read them because I think a woman's viewpoint of childbirth is interesting.
I have been through this before. I have a daughter with a previous person. I know what to expect and how things will go (assuming no complications). Some of you hit on the points that form a major part of my desires. There are a few moments in life that are very precious and, in my opinion, meant to be shared with only me and my wife. Those would be the first few moments we spent as husband and wife in our bedroom and the birth of our child. I can tell you, as a father, there are a lot of expectations in life. I am expected to provide for my family and support my wife and children. Other then the reward of having these wonderful people in my life, I also believe that I have the right to say that I don't want anyone else in the room to share the very precious first moments of my child's life. Those moments are for my wife and I to share and remember. I do love my wife's mother, but I don't want to share something so rare and precious with anyone other than my wife. I am firm about it because it is important to me. I do care about her opinion, but this is something I'm not going to change my mind about.
I know enough about medicine that I know she has the ultimate choice in the hospital. Like I told her, she can override me if she wants, but I will be upset about it. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to fight with her during labor, but we would be having a very serious discussion when everything was over. In my opinion, it's incredibly disrespectful to tell a man that "it's our baby" or that he is as important (or as responsible) in the child's life as the mother, but then tell him he ultimately doesn't get to have an opinion about who can share the first moments of his child's life. I wouldn't dream of asking her to have anyone in the room that she was uncomfortable with and I would hope to get the same respect.
To answer some of the other questions...I'm not controlling of everything in her life. In fact, I've left the vast majority of the decisions about the delivery up to her. I wouldn't have any problem with her wanting (or not wanting) medication during labor. I am against elective c-section because vaginal birth is safer. We normally have very good communication, but for some reason this issue seemed to put a wall between us. Thank you all for commenting on her post. You all always give her comfort during a tough time and it allows me time to organize my thoughts for her. If you've suffered through this whole long-winded response you are even more appreciated!
I understand where you are coming from, I really do. I was more focused on the birthing process instead of once the baby is here. Giving birth is probably one of the most draining, emotional, painful, uncomfortable and terrifying moments in a women's life and sometimes it does help to have someone in the room who has gone through it before. If her mom can give her comfort, encouragement and words of wisdom that you can't, then please give her that. IF her mom can give her a little bit of peace during this process, then please give it to her.
That being said, some women don't want their moms in the room for the very reasons you mentioned. However, some women think that their moms can be of comfort to them in the birthing process, and if that is what they want, since they are the ones going through it, then please let her have that.
In my case I had a c-section and once my baby was born my husband was off with her to take pictures, to touch her, to see what she weighed and to hold her. I'm just saying it would have been nice to have someone by my side as I was being sewn up instead of the anethesiologist.
I am SO with you there. I love my dad and sister and in-laws but I really want it to just be about the three of us for at least a day.
I have a slightly differing opinion than most women on here. I understand that it is your body, but your husband wasn't just a sperm donor. This is a very intimate time for you as a couple. (No one was in the room when the baby was conceived!) You would prefer one thing (people in the room), he prefers another (just the two of you.) At the end of the day, it's not about who's 'dictating' what, but a decision has to be made. Realize that your preference is no more important than his, be a loving wife, and graciously put his desires before your's.
If you're worried about being scared, etc while in delivery, be prepared before you go in. Take birthing classes, get educated on your options, decide what you want your birthing plan to look like. Get him to the classes too so that he knows how to coach you through. Get prepared as a team.
I believe that you are the one pushing the baby out so its your decision! I think its ok for you guys to discuss and him to have an opinion but when it comes down to it, you should be able to have whoever you want!
Personally, when I am sick or in pain, no matter how old I am, I want my mommy and if he doesnt like it then he can get the H&LL out!!!!