Unbelievable timing...(Sorry, long)

NicKL

My brother and SIL have been TTC for probably 18 months or so. They haven't been through much of the process, I think my brother has an SA scheduled but otherwise just charting. They live about 2.5 hours away from the rest of the family, so they have a group of friends out there, all of which have had a baby in the past year. SIL is an out of work teacher, so she baby-sat all summer, which she loved of course, but was also hard on her.

I also live in another state, so on Sundays we always do a three-way video conference call to catch up with them and my parents. (We're really close). Yesterday, when I logged in, my  parents were on the phone with them instead of their window popping up. My mom was saying, "we understand, big hugs from us, feel better soon". Turns out, their good friends who's baby just turned 1, and whom they had a (joking/wishful thinking, of course) "arrangement" that they would have her second and their first babies together, is pregnant. They were having such a hard time with it they couldn't participate in the call. 

The bombshell: I, the older sister, found out that DH and I are expecting as well. We'd been trying about a year, but off and on because of the move out of state. (The worst part, is that this was an "off" month as we found out there's something wrong with our insurance.)  I wasn't sure if I was going to tell or not, but I figured DH and I would either be able to keep the secret or not, and I was ok either way. I quickly decided against it, as my mom wouldn't be able to contain herself and I think word would get back to them. The last thing I would want is not to tell them myself, but how in the world am I going to now? 

I have no sisters, on my brother and SIL, and I am the first of my friends to be married, let alone having a baby. I would appreciate any advice on how to be sensitive to her feelings, because I know they would also want to know asap, if they were in a better place (if that makes sense).  

boobytrap

man.

as someone who struggled with IF for 3 years, i can definately relate to SIL.  she will likely be very happy for you, but be crushed inside.  it's not about you, and i get that you know that.

i always did much better hearing the news via email, as opposed to in person.  hearing it in person was like a kick in the gut.  something about word of mouth or email always made it easier to digest.

i don't think that's an option for you, given you are so close. 

i really don't know what to say.  this is really hard.

 

TeacherMel

I have been in your brother and SIL's shoes multiple times as it took us two years to get pregnant.  I would not tell them face-to-face.  Maybe you could tell them on the phone or through email?  It's so hard when you are dealing with infertility to be faced with pregnancy announcements.  One week before my BFP my SIL announced her second pregnancy to the entire family at a get together.  I was happy for her, but I would have appreciated being told in a different way instead of the entire family.

KMac2784

Ouch.....This is a super tough one.  I do have to agree with the PP when saying not to tell her face to face. That is kind of a blow and you wouldn't want to see her dissapointed reaction (not that youre pregnant....that she's still not pregnant) if you did tell her in person.

Maybe a "we're expecting" card in the mail or send them a picture of something baby related so youre not just coming out and saying "I'm Pregnant".  Plus it would give them some time to digest the new news so they can get their game faces on for you. 

Good Luck and good for you for being so sensitive to others feelings.

TheCricket

I too was TTC for eons, and I COMPLETELY agree about sending an email so that they can process it in private first. But, I do have to say that I think (and this is only my opinion) that you need to tell her as soon as possible. I remember the horrible feeling when friends or family would keep the good news from me to spare my feelings - it only made me feel worse that they had the burden of this "big secret" during what should have just been a happy time for them. And, I have always been able to let go of my own sadness very quickly when it meant celebrating something this wonderful with those I love.

Hope things go well for you, and you are a good SIL for taking their feelings to heart as deeply as you are.

JesseKhloe&Me

Maybe send the email to your brother and let him tell SIL. He would probably know the right time and place to tell his wife so that it hurts less. I'm sure they will be very happy for you once it sinks in. It is nice of you to consider their feelings when you are excited about your own pregnany! Maybe let him know that you are praying for them as well.

Good Luck

rosesandpeonies

As someone who struggled to have my daughter, and as someone that just had to tell two friends that are going through infertility problems that I am pregnant again it is very difficult.  I ended up just calling one day each of them and just telling them flat out. I wanted them to hear it from me  It is better they don't find out through the grapevine and they are going to have to find out sooner or later.  In my opinion I would just tell them when you are ready to start telling people, just realize even though they will be happy for you their reactions may not be joyous at that moment.  Doing it through email or over the phone is best.  Don't do it at a big event or in front of anyone else.

eisenberg0814

my brother cannot have children ever. Nor can his fiance. When we told them about being pregnant with #1 they were happy for us. Now they are going to marry and she adopted her sister (surprise pregnancy of her mother that would have been aborted) - so my brother is going to be a daddy. But they are not there yet because of all the papers involved (2 years now!) and we are pregnant again. We went on vacation to stay in his house and I started spotting. He had to drive me to the hospital. I was balling for him and me. Me being afraid to lose my baby and for him for never going to go through pregnancy. It sucks! But my brother dealt with it way better than I thought!!! Hope that helps. Good luck.

PinkBackPack

I personally would be upset if I got the news via email.  But you know your Brother and SIL better. 

I had the same situation with my brother and SIL, and no matter how you tell them it isn't easy.  I would share with them that you understand how they might be feeling and that you have been trying to get pregnant for a year.

aj5oh00

SouthSideDrea:

That is hard, I agree, I'd have like the news in am email so I could process and grieve and get myself right before calling and wishing the best. 

This.  I unfortunately got many of these emails over the last two years and it's much more helpful to have a chance to grieve on your own...not that they won't be happy for you, but it's just another reminder of something they want so badly and don't have.

ManiacMcGee

I agree that emails can feel impersonal, but I also agree that giving them time to privately process the information is best.

My older sister is currently single and has had baby fever for a long time now. I know she'll be happy for me, and ecstatic to be an aunt but she'll need a moment to grieve for her own situation first. 

I plan to send a card that says "You've always been a wonderful sister, I know you'll make a terrific Aunt"

Maybe you could do something similar. Everyone loves getting mail.

Good luck!

BabyMinson11

I can sort of relate a little bit.  My older sister had been trying for about a year to get pregnant, she finally did and then miscarried. She was beyond devasted. For a year after her miscarriage she was still trying to conceive and went through so much emotional pain. In the meantime I got married and she just found out months ago that her husband isn't happy and wants out of the marriage. So on top of the m/c she's losing her husband. SO, now that I'm pregnant I was so afraid to tell her because I felt like it would be another reminder to her that things are falling apart. I was completely wrong. She just found out on Saturday night and she is overjoyed beyond belief. To be on the safe side I did tell her when it was just me, her and my husband - in the event it didn't go as well. I would strongly suggest having a face to face meeting and telling them gently. Maybe a "after a a year of trying...we're pregnant".  It didn't happen for you overnight either - and they will realize that. I'm sure they will be happy for you and you should be able to fully enjoy your pregnancy without having to spare someone else's feelings either.  Good luck!!

KMac2784

BabyMinson11:

I can sort of relate a little bit.  My older sister had been trying for about a year to get pregnant, she finally did and then miscarried. She was beyond devasted. For a year after her miscarriage she was still trying to conceive and went through so much emotional pain. In the meantime I got married and she just found out months ago that her husband isn't happy and wants out of the marriage. So on top of the m/c she's losing her husband. SO, now that I'm pregnant I was so afraid to tell her because I felt like it would be another reminder to her that things are falling apart. I was completely wrong. She just found out on Saturday night and she is overjoyed beyond belief. To be on the safe side I did tell her when it was just me, her and my husband - in the event it didn't go as well. I would strongly suggest having a face to face meeting and telling them gently. Maybe a "after a a year of trying...we're pregnant".  It didn't happen for you overnight either - and they will realize that. I'm sure they will be happy for you and you should be able to fully enjoy your pregnancy without having to spare someone else's feelings either.  Good luck!!

Good Advice!

magdalina.h

I didn't stuggle with IF, but after my loss it was much easier to find out through an e-mail of a friends pregnancy. That way I could let my true feelings come out the way I needed to. I always responded extremely excited, but about 5 minutes later it would sink in that I was sad/jealous for us. Since it was over e-mail I could take a few minutes to cry about what we loss and not hurt my friend's feelings.

NicKL

Thank you all for the advice, I've got some thinking to do!