I really need some help with my son

JustMeOk

I am not a usual poster here, but I am in some serious need of some advice with my son.

As a disclaimer we do have an appointment with the ped to talk about it all.

My son is completely our of control. He hits is brother, acts out, does not listen, and is really concerening us.   I have tried time outs, taking toys away, taking away fun things, even spankings and he just laughs in our faces.

He tells us he wants to open his window (we live in a second floor apartment with no bars or screen) and fly out.   He is always climbing on anything and everything to get knives, siscors, and anything else like that. We have resorted to locking them in our bedroom.  He is very hyper, very creative, and very smart.

I am at end of my rope with him, and it is causing health issues with me and not to mention issues between dh and I. 

Can someone point me in the right direction as to what to do?

princess_shelly

That is tough, sorry you are going through this! I don't have any experience with this sorry.

Talking to the Pedi is the right step, he can probably refer you to a child psychiatrist.

 I hope you can get some relief.

howleyshell

Have you read any parenting books?

Some of my favorites:

Parenting with Love and Logic - the early years (6 months to 5 years)

Playful Parenting - good for when all at home has turned into discipline and battles. Puts the fun back in being together!

And the one that gave us the BEST and fastest tools?  

Parenting the Strong Willed Child by Forehand and Long.

Gave me good tools that were easy to work with even with a new baby in the mix.  Made a big difference for us...  FAST.

 

I know reading is probably the last thing you have time for.  I did most of my discipline reading while nursing the baby.

It sounds like a lot of attention seeking behavior and your siggy shows a new baby?  Been there, done that.

I know the feeling of being stretched too thin and at the end of your rope.  I think some good parenting books might help you out of this hole.

I learned some great tools that we still use today!

When I see the behavior starting up I know I need to invest more positive attention time or we spiral into the catch 22 of bad behavior - discipline - more bad behavior that no one enjoys. 

 

GL to you!

 

PaigeC1981

First of all, I'm very sorry you are going through this. You are definitely taking the right first step in getting an appt. to talk with his pedi. A child psychologist is not a bad idea either. Please don't think it is something you have done or not done as a parent. You would be surprised at how many parents are going through the same thing you are. Your son may be acting out because of the new baby. Or maybe he desires attention from his parents, and he certainly is getting that by engaging in these behaviors. Make sure y'all are spending some quality one-on-one time with him, and offering him ample praise when he is well behaved. Good luck!

JustMeOk

Wanted to add that ds2 is almost a year old, and this just started a few months after we moved here to Korea. (I had some issues before moving but thought it was daddy being gone-already in Korea- and a new  brother). 

 We are bringing up testing for ADD and ADHD as it runs in dhs family.

momofolivia

i second those parenting books that HS rec'd. 

while I agree with Paige on the fact that there are somethings that we parents cannot control, from my personal experience I have found that when DD acts out - I can find the reason through my behavior/actions.  It's like a puzzle to figure them out, but when I change my behaviors, she changes hers. 

It sounds like you are really focusing on punitive punishment (TOs, spankings).  How do you do on positive reinforecment - catching him doing good things, incorporating him into helping you with things - helping him calm down, etc?  He may have learned that acting out is the only way to get your attention at this point. 

good luck - can post here anytime.

neverblushed

You have gotten some very good advice from previous posters.  I just wanted to add my $.02.

I think that when a child is behaving as you describe, it can sometimes be due to a physical or neurological issue.  If you have a family history of ADD and ADHD, it is possible that your son will also be troubled by attention issues, and you'll want to check that out and determine if there is a suitable course of treatment that can help him and you!

However, it also sounds like your son is engaged in behaviors that are a desperate attempt to find some consistency and limits. 

A few things stood out to me from your description.  I don't mean to be critical in pointing these out to you.  Rather, I'm hoping that you can examine some of the assumptions you're making about the way things are going:

"I have tried time outs, taking toys away, taking away fun things, even spankings and he just laughs in our faces."  -- is it possible that you are trying lots of different punishments, but not using them in a consistent way?  I've seen parents who believe they're being very stern because they threaten and threaten and threaten with all kinds of punishments... but they are really reluctant to actually enforce the punishment.  And -- as you've discovered -- the response their kids often give is to laugh at them.  Or, that you let him get away with certain behaviors at times (usually when you don't have time to spare on him right then), and enforce consequences for the same behaviors at other times?  In any of these scenarios, it is possible for the parent to feel like they're disciplining a lot, when in reality the child is getting a very weak and mixed message from the parent.

"He tells us he wants to open his window..."  Now, maybe he's just telling you this in a playful, imaginative, preschooler way.  After all, what preschooler doesn't wish for the ability to fly?  BUT... my sense is that you mention this because you feel that his request to open the window is a serious problem.  I get the sense that you are worried that you might not be able to say "no" to him without a fight, or that he might not listen if you say "no" and that he might put himself in danger.  From the way you worded it -- "HE tells us" -- I get the distinct impression that you feel a little intimidated by his demands, and that he's sort of used to calling the shots with you.

Anyway, I hope that the books and some advice from your pediatrician helps you!  It's no fun feeling like you're constantly in a battle with your child!!

canhardlywait1

I agree with the previous poster on this and think your should try to rule out physiological issues.  Has his diet changed greatly since the move?  Does he have any food allergies or other allergies that you know of?  I would ask the pedi to run a blood panel and do a general check, thyroid, iron, etc. 

I know 2 kids who had huge behavioral issues but little else to say something might be wrong with them.  They were both eventually diagnosed with celiac disease.  Your doctor should be able to test for this also.

All of the other advice was great as well.  I'm sorry you are going through this it must be so hard!