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Should I do this?
Okay in an effort for Aubrey to get to know my inlaws better I am taking her over there one day next week and leaving her for the day. Me and Wes will go get her after he gets off work. My inlaws live about an hour and fifteen minutes away.
The reason I am so nervous about this is because well my MIL has a different standard to doing things with babies than I do.
One, she smokes, and doesn't think a thing about smoking around babies. Every time Aubrey has been around her since she was born, I have been right there so I have been able to keep her away from the smoke. She is very aware of our wishes of her not to smoke around Aubrey and I really hope she respects those wishes.
Two, now that Aubrey is eating table foods and drinking from a sippy MIL thinks anything is fair game. I was a bit miffed Saturday when I caught her giving her tea after just last week when she asked me if she could have some tea and I told her no I would rather her not. I chose not to say anything (you know picking my battles and such and I also realize a little tea isn't going to hurt her) but it is more about the principles of if I don't want her to have tea then I feel like my MIL should honor my wishes because I am Aubrey's mother. Simple as that.
Three, MIL has tendencies to freak out about the littlest thing. Like yesterday Aubrey started coughing, nothing big, but my MIL jerks her arm up really hard because she thought she was choking. It of course scared Aubrey when she did that and she screamed really loudly. Another example is when Aubrey was younger and going through acid reflux she spit up a lot. It was a common thing, and sometimes she got it on her clothes...no big deal we'd just change her. Well my MIL freaked one time when she did it and immediately rips her shirt over her head...Aubrey has a big ole noggin and this was a shirt you had to ease over her head. So needless to say it probably didn't feel very good to her and she started crying. It's things like that. She's just pretty spastic with her.
Four, I will not allow my MIL to drive with Aubrey in the car. She is a horrible driver...she has had 6 wrecks (all her fault) in the past 8 months. She doesn't pay any attention when driving and she drives way to fast. We haven't been put in a situation yet where she needed to drive with Aubrey in the car, so she isn't aware she's not allowed. But one condition of her keeping her that day next week is that she can not drive with her at all (unless it's an emergency), and Wes gets to be the one to tell her (you know since it's his mom.)
Finally, my MIL hasn't been around Aubrey a whole lot since she was born. She really never took much interest in her, until lately. We want her to know Aubrey and be involved with her, but we also don't want her to just do things her way because it varies greatly from our way.
So my question is because Aubrey has a schedule and I have a few rules of what she can and can't eat, and how I like for things to be done, would you write out her schedule, and give her the rules? Or is it too demeaning and witchy? I want to do everything that will make Aubrey feel comfortable too because if she is uncomfortable in any way she'll let MIL know quickly and I don't think MIL knows Aubrey's personality well enough to be able to get her calmed down. So am I being too controlling or would you do this?
Thanks and sorry it's so long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Should I do this?
I think it's really nice of you to let her spend time with you MIL, despite past problems with her, or her being spastic.
I would type out a schedule. But, I do that anyways anytime ANYONE watches K for the first time. I also include a list of important safety concerns that you don't want her exposed to (no driving with her, no smoking around her, etc.) and a list of foods that are ok for her to eat.
When you give it to your MIL, I would just brush it off and say that it's something you give anyone who is watching Aubrey, including regular sitters or even your own mom. But, I would be sure to go over it with her so that you can ensure she actually reads it.
Also, is your MIL watching Aubrey at your house or hers? She might be less inclined to smoke if she watches her at your house instead of her own.
Good luck!
natural m/c and d&c at 10 weeks - 1/24/2014
DX w/ hetero C677t and A1298C MTHFR - 3/4/2014
She is going to be watching her at her house. I am taking her there so I can come home and deep clean our house in preparation of it going on the market.
I really hope she respects our wishes on the smoking. Wes says that if Aubrey smells anything like smoke when we pick her up he will address the situation with his mother about how we respect her wishes so she should respect ours.
This is a big step for me, due to all the past problems we have had with her. But it is important to me that Aubrey know both sets of grandparents.
If you are going to do it, then yes, I would write everything down. She doesn't sound like the kind of person that's just going to follow all of your "rules" though.
Just from what you have written, I wouldn't leave my kid with her for the day. I wouldn't trust someone to not drive all day or not smoke a cigarette all day around her. But we aren't very trusting in general when it comes to people keeping LO.
Oh man, this is a hard one! It's your MIL, Audrey's grandmother, so I think that it's important for them to have a relationship. However, I just don't know if I could do it! I'm pretty anal about things with my LO's...especially when they are really young like Audrey is. The smoking, the bad driving, giving bad things to eat/drink...it would all just freak me out and make me worry all day. Personally, I think I would have to stick to just taking her over there to visit while I stay or have g'ma come to our house to visit while we are home. I just don't think I could overlook that many things and feel that everything would go smoothly, especially for several hours.
I wouldn't give a second thought to writing everything down though if you do take her. It will make you feel better to know that at least she knows your wishes.
I know I don't post a lot on this board, but I've been in a similar situation so I thought I'd let you know how I was able to get peace of mind.
First of all, remind yourself that she raised your DH and you must think he turned out ok or you wouldn't have married him.
Second, just go ahead and assume that she will smoke. Make sure your DD has a place to be where she'll be safe and out of the range of the smoke. Does MIL have a Pack n' Play? If not, can you take one? At least then you won't have to worry about your DD being exposed to 2nd hand smoke. Hopefully MIL is decent enough to go outside.
Does your MIL have her own carseat? Is it age/size appropriate for DD? Has it been recalled? All good excuses for not allowing your DD in it. Otherwise, just don't leave your carseat for her to use. In an emergency, she should call 911 anyway.
About the tea and her giving DD food you don't want her to have. I hate to say it, but I've just had to learn to deal with this on occasion. When I voice my objections to my family and IL's feeding DS all kinds of junk food and sweets it seems to make them feel more of a need to "treat" him, since obviously he's been deprived by his mean mama. If I just grin and bear it and don't make a fuss at least they do it in front of me instead of sneaking it to him behind my back. That way I can keep an eye on how much/what goes in his body.
Also, if MIL is going to be taking care of her all day, she may be less likely to give her sugar or tea since she'll be responsible for the cranky/hyper/possibly sick baby.
Good luck. I hope it goes better than you expect!
I feel the same way as Bethany (she's a smoker and she WILL smoke), but understand you really wanting Aubrey to know her grandmother. So I would say give her the list of do's, don'ts, and what if's. If she does something crazy like take her out for a drive or smoke around her, then let Wes handle it and know what you're dealing with. Your MIL does deserve a chance, but if she can't respect your wishes, then it will be her fault for not being able to spend time alone with A and not yours. Would you feel better asking her to take A outside and smoke if she has to? That way at least A could have some fresh air...
Thanks for all ya'll's advice. I'm not sure if we are going to do this now, because Wes talked to his mom yesterday about some of the conditions and she said if she couldn't completely do things her way then she didn't want to bother.
This has been such a mental and emotional struggle for us. On one hand we want Aubrey to have both sets of grandparents in her life. But on the other Wes' mom has done several things in the past that just makes us not feel good about leaving Aubrey alone with her. And now to just straight out tell us that if she couldn't do things her way then she didn't want to do it, to me tells me that spending time with her granddaughter isn't the top priority for her.
I was going to clarify something about the smoking. We weren't asking her to go all day without smoking. We meant that if she needed to smoke that she needed to put Aubrey in a safe place like the high chair or the pack n play and leave the big door open (they have glass storm doors as well as normal front doors) to where she could see her. It's sad that she wouldn't just assume to do this in the first place but we have witnessed her with other babies to literally be holding them while puffing away. This isn't only dangerous for the obvious second hand smoke reasons but Aubrey is in the grabby stage and she'd probably try to grab the lit cigarette out of my MIL's mouth.
I know these things work out the way they do for reasons, and this is probably for the best. We will continue to go there when we get the chance and she is free to come see us, but if she can't respect any of our wishes and only wants to do things her way then like Alesha said it's her own fault for not being allowed to watch Aubrey unsupervised. Thankfully my mom is nearby and can watch her for me when I need to get a few things done that I can do faster baby free. I think too it's time for us to find a regular babysitter that we can call on so not to always have to rely on my mom.
Again thanks for ya'll's advice.
I think you answered your own questions in the portions I highlited. I'm so sorry that your MIL is that unyielding in her opinions....and I hope that you can find a baby-sitter that you can trust. If things don't pan out, you can always send me a message on FB....we're free pretty much every day except for Wed. and Thurs. Good luck with your MIL. That's got to be so tough!