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BOTB (kinda - sorta - prep work)
Hello!
So Phil and I are planning to start TTCing next summer, and I'm still freaked out about the whole thing, although we both agree that the time is right and we both want kids.
So... I'm curious... one of my biggest fears is how my relationship with Phil will change once there's another person involved in our family structure. Obviously, it will evolve somehow. It has to. I just want that to be for the better and not for the worse. I love my relationship with my husband now... I'm so worried about the long nights and irritability and (as selfish as this sounds) lack of time for us together.
Is it too personal? Can I ask how your relationships with your husbands changed once kids entered into the picture?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: BOTB (kinda - sorta - prep work)
Well, we haven't been parents very long, but we were just talking the other night about how we think our relationship is actually better now. Granted, I'm still on maternity leave, which makes things easier. We are both a little worried about how things will change more when I go back to work. I worry that since I'm doing most of the baby work now, being that I'm off and he isn't, he'll still expect that when works starts for me again.
However for now, we love how things are. Yes, we're both tired, and mostly talk about the baby when we're together. And intimacy is out the window, at least for the moment. But..... I feel like we can read each other's minds better. We are very considerate of each other's feelings, knowing that we're coming from different places regarding the baby. And the biggest thing is that since we don't have as much time alone together, we're better about communicating. We know we don't have time to let things fester. And, of course, we have this incredible bond now that we didn't have before.
But, like I said, I do worry about this when work starts, so I'm interested in hearing what some of the other ladies have to say, too.
Ours has changed. I wouldn't say for the better or for the worse, it's just different. Ours lives are just entirely different now, I would say they are more full due to having Bella in it... that's good really! But as far as the changes, they are major, make no mistake about it. I don't want to scare you or freak you out but things are just VERY different, I would say we expected them to be different but we also expected to have more help from his family.
His family is in the area, mine is 8 1/2 hours away. We both expected that they would offer to watch Bella so we could go on a date or dinner every once in awhile. His mom has watched Bella one time for 2 hours and told us to "hurry back" because she had an appt exactly 2 hours from when she started watching her.... it was frustrating to DH because he had booked us massages and then we were going to do lunch, needless to say, there was NO time for lunch... His dad has watched her for a couple of hours a couple of times when I was working so Ryan could take care of work stuff... My mom who lives far away has watched her each time she has come to town for a couple of hours so we could do dinner or drinks. When we went to my hometown, my mom watched her so we could go to a wedding. So in her 13 months of life, my mom who lives far away has watched her more than both of his parents combined! I would suggest finding a highly reputable babysitter so you can have a date night every once in awhile...we're working on this now! We NEED date nights!!
That said, date nights are important. It's not necessarily about being away from your LO, it's more about spending time with your DH and being able to focus 100% on him! My Dh needs that! He feels like I'm always putting Bella first and I do, because she needs that at this point in her life but I know he needs me too. In the past few months Bella has a regular bedtime of 7pm so I make it a point to stay up with DH until at least 830 so that we can have some one on one time.
Also, I would suggest talking about your feeding plans and who will do what around the house. I BF and still am BF so I can't always make dinner or even help with dinner when it's feeding time. DH didn't get that at first, now he does. We both do laundry, I schedule dr appts and take her, he does the outside work, I do more of the cleaning and deep cleaning. He picks up around the house. Those are little things that can cause big discussions if not talked about. We had a blow out when I went back to work because I needed more help from him on days I was working. He didn't know that until I told him but I had kind of expected that he would know what to do... the talk helped a lot and got us back on track.
Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. I would just make sure you communicate openly and honestly about everything you can. Talk about what you can before the baby gets here! We have a great relationship but we communicate often about lots of various things!
I think change is inevitable. For us, it's 90% positive and 10% that's a work in progress -- like figuring out better sleep schedules, not being so easily irritated, and finding better balance in our personal and social lives.
As much as we were ready for baby, I was nervous about our relationship changing, too. Then someone told me that being sad about the end of the "just us" phase was actually a good thing -- it meant that it was a great time in life and we were lucky to have something to look back so fondly upon. I think about that advice a lot and it helps me to be grateful and excited for everything then, now and in the future.
This is all great, ladies, thanks!
And don't worry about scaring me - I want the unsugar coated truth. I know that for many marriages, having kids is a real strain. I want to be realistic about what we're going into, understand why some things might come up and how we can go about dealing with them.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I worried (worry) about this too. in fact, we delayed TTC by about half a year b/c we really love "just us" and decided we weren't quite ready to give it up yet. But eventually, we didn't want to wait anymore and just took the plunge
Every study I've ever heard about says satisfaction/happiness decreases in a marriage after kids
But we knew we wanted them, and we're committed to making sure we're still there for each other, as well as for the kids. I think Lori said once - she and HH are the foundation of the family, and they need to make sure that foundation is even stronger when there are kids (or something to that effect! and i'm sure she was more eloquent about it, hah).
MH and I have talked about it a little bit - I think he feels like we communicate really well (which we do), so whatever happens, we'll be able to deal with it and there's no need to talk too much about it right now, since it's all a big unknown. (i think) he thinks it's silly for us to state that we'll make sure to keep our relationship strong, since he takes it as a given.
but i still want to discuss it.
I bought this book - child-proofing your marriage - but haven't cracked it open yet. It was recommended to me by a friend of mine who is super, super type-A and highly analytical, i figured I'd at least skim it. (disclaimer: she also recommended the conscious bride before I got married, which i bought and couldn't get through - thought was a waste of time) I'll let you know how it is when i get to it
no, not too personal! this topic has come up in various forms a few times in the weekly check-ins. I think we all know things will be/are different, and look to each other for advice and support. i think it's fantastic that we're all so proactive about keeping our relationships with our husbands strong.
i like this a lot - thanks for sharing!!
We were really ready to have a baby and it was so planned...so for us, it has deepended and enhanced our relationship. I could see though, if one or both partners wasn't ready, how it could cause a strain.
That said, things have changed...many nights we're like two ships right now whereas before I could will myself to stay awake until he got home from work, now that's no longer possible. So we have less time together, right now at least, while he's in school and working evenings and I work a regular, 7-3:30 p.m weekday job. We relish our times together as a family and of course, as a couple too. We're lucky that my mom is with us and will watch Libby if we need a date night (we've had two since she was born...we just went to a family wedding and Libby stayed with my BFF, a first)...
We've also had to schedule sex a bit...doesn't sound sexy, but in all honesty, it's the only way we can ensure that it happens on a regular basis right now. So...weekend mornings (usually Saturday or Sunday) or not both...we aim to get the baby down for a nap in her crib (we bedshare) and then hit the sheets for some one-on-one alone time.
I think our communication with each other and over all patience has deepened since we've become parents. I also have fallen in love with him over and over again since seeing how sweet he is with our little one...there is nothing like it in the world.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
Has anyone had challenges with either themselves or their husbands with what they've had to give up?
It seems like childcare often rests on the Mum... and the guys will help out, but don't *really* get what's going on. Do any of you experience frustration or resentment? How do you deal with it?
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I think we're going to have to start doing this. It SO doesn't appeal to me but I feel like that's the only way we'll get it in! Especially now days since I've been so sick and extremely tired with this 2nd pregnancy (it's SO different from how I felt being pregnant with Bella!). So great idea Lori, I'll be talking to DH and see what he thinks of that
MH and I went through some hard times when we had the baby. I had a bad case of the baby blues that lasted a few weeks and just earlier this week, we had some bumps while I was starting a new job (and working for the first time since I became a mom). But we found ways to work through it together and we come out of these challenges stronger than before.
Also, to also answer your question about childcare between the parents, MH stayed at home with LO all this week (he worked from home but barely got anything done =P) while i started my job. He has definitely done his share of taking care of the baby this week but even before, he would help out but this week was a real eye-opener for him. He has learned how to get LO to drink from the bottle (and LO has learned how to take a bottle--i was exclusively bfing before), get LO down for naps (I used to do it all), and more. I think this was a good experience for him. He sees all the hard work involved while also experiencing how rewarding it also is to spend time caring and being with your LO.
Do enjoy the time that you have with YH while it's just you two because you may never get this much 1-1 time until you're old and your kids are grown. But don't be afraid of having kids, esp if your relationship with YH is so solid
Besides regular sleep and "me" time, we've not given much up...again, we were REALLY ready to expand our family and take on the responsibilties of parenting. Since we're older (35 and 33) we're long past the whole "I miss partying on Friday night" phase and were very ready to fall into the homebody lifestyle that comes with a new baby.
That said, we do look forward to our date nights and hope to have a getaway after she's a little older. Whenever we do find ourselves losing perspective we're reminded that in the history of our lives together this time, of being new parents and having a baby, is very short and it helps us to embrace it.
I think the key is that from hour one dad is not "helping out" or "babysitting" he's being a parent...it irks me to no end that some dads say they're "helping"...um, no. You're the parent as much as mom. Part of this also means that mom must let dad do the parenting, his way, even if it's not what she would do. So many wives micromanage their husbands when it comes to caring for the baby that it's no wonder the husbands back off...
From day one DH was hands on with our DD...he diapered, clothed, rocked, etc. I did make the mistake of sleeping in the nursery the first few weeks so that he could sleep all night long and around 4 weeks when I wanted to come back to our bed he was annoyed that the baby was in there (in her co-sleeper at the time) because her night wakings interrupted his sleep. So next time, he'll be experiencing those night wakings from the beginning! Seriously. (And I am wiser now and know that for us, bedsharing is the way to go so that all of us get good sleep). Once he got past that, we've been great. Not that we've never had an arguement or a challenge...the sleep deprivation alone makes you so cranky that it's easy to lose it sometimes.
Also, DH stays home with DD and is the "expert" when it comes to getting her down to sleep. I think he's especially proud of that. They have their own relationship and he's never asking me "what do I do?" like many other new dads. When she refused the bottle he taught her to take my milk from a cup. He learned how to cloth diaper right away using prefolds and covers (which many say dads cannot do...lame...) and even takes charge of washing them.
The key is to expect that dad will be AS involved in the childcare as mom. We talked about this a lot before even TTC so it wouldn't be a big surprise. DH has never been around babies so he had a big learning curve...but he's a strong, intelligent capable man...like I said, I think many times men are treated like they can't do it, so they don't.
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Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
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