Vent... MIL

AggieBeth06

I had a very long weekend. MIL was in town and I've now determined that although I'd love to learn from her experience and keep her involved, I'm no longer going to discuss decisions until DH and I have made up our minds. She made me really angry when I told her we were considering cloth diapers, but that I was still researching and trying to make a good decision. She put them down immediately and would not listen to what I'd learned about them.

Not to mention that she proceeded to tell DH and me that we needed to use his middle name for the baby because we'd be the only ones in the family to use it. DH's MN was for his uncle that was killed just before DH was born. NBD, right? Well, MIL proceeds (for about the 3rd time) to tell us about how much she had really loved his uncle and thinks that she was a better match for him than her sister... can we say awkward.

I've yet to discuss this next one with DH - but I am going to be hard pressed to want my kids to spend a lot of time around her. I hate that I feel that way, but I do not think that she is a good role model. She doesn't work and was telling us that she's not eligible for Medicare or Social Security except through his dad, who is older and with heart problems. She's nervous about what will happen to her if he dies first. When DH suggested that she start working, she blew it off. Not to mention that I don't think she is careful enough with kids... especially considering a particularly harrowing ordeal with my nieces a couple of years ago.

But the biggest annoyance was that she wouldn't stop smoking around me. I kept moving to where I wouldn't be inhaling it... but still. Just not very considerate

Vent over. I just had to get that out.

AACraven85

So sorry you had to deal with that! I can relate on a lot of levels..

Is your husband supportive of you, will he stand up to his mother?? This is what gets me through when I have a tough time seeing eye to eye with my MIL. 

Annabelle0211

I would not use DH's middle name unless you actually like the name.  The baby is already getting your husbands last name right?  I dont understand why people dont think that is enough. 

As for the smoking, I would have your husband talk to her about it and if that doesnt work, I think you should just refuse to be around her.  Second hand smoke is not good for your baby and you have every right to do whats best for your unborn child! 

I wouldn't worry as much about the role model part.  I agree that she doesnt sound like an outstanding citizen but unfortunately I dont think you cant keep her away from her grandchild for that reason. 

Good luck!

hawkilady

Yikes - sorry you have to deal with this.  I hope your DH is on the same page as you are.  I sometimes have issues with my ILs (more FIL than MIL actually) but I try to let DH deal with them as much as possible. 

I would sit down and go through your concerns with DH - in as nice a way as possible, I know my DH gets a little defensive if I criticize his family, so pick your battles, but if its important to you - definitely tell DH and make sure you guys can be a unified team.

clabrecque

I understand, at least about the cloth diapers. ALL of the grandparents and great grandparents of my baby have put them down. Mostly because they used them and they know how difficult it is. I've had to say, every time I bring it up, that I'm not saying I'm going to use them, I'm saying I'm looking into it.

Also, FYI, did you know about the hybrid diapers they have out? It's a cloth exterior with a disposable, flushable insert. I think the brand is gdiapers(?).. but if you search hybrid diapers they'll come up.  I still haven't made my decision, but they are really interesting.

I hope things get better! 

TiffanyTheMom

The smoking thing is a no no. Make you DH grow some balls (he had to have had some at some point for you to conceive) and tell his mother point blank she will not be allowed to smoke around you. It IS that serious. I don't care why she reasons it okay, it ISN'T and she's WRONG and your DH needs to tell her it is. I don't care if she disagrees.

With the cloth diapering, who cares if she dismissed it? Casually shrug your shoulders and tell her if that's what you decide and she 'doesn't want to do it', then she won't be having the baby over. IF she's not going to follow your wishes, then that's it- don't send the baby to her place. What other things might she disregard that you request her to do/not do? Like smoking around your poor innocent child who can't tell her to stop? 

I agree you can't keep her away from your baby, but you do not have to let your baby be at her house unaccompanied. If your DH is too big of a *** to stand up to his mommy dearest and tell her she can't smoke around the baby, use disposable diapers on the baby, or if she completely disregards your parenting needs then you can go over to her house with the baby, but not let her hold the baby if she's been recently smoking. Your DH kind of ticks me off if he's allowing his mommy to act like a jerkoff to you and your future child- because you know if she doesn't listen to you, she won't listen to your kid either.

AggieBeth06

DH feels the same on most everything I vented about. I didn't push the smoking issue, but partly because I couldn't ever get a private second and also because I generally managed to get away from it.

In all, it's not too much of a deal because they live over 7 hours away. And the role model deal is partially an over-active imagination... but I do think it's important to consider how things shape your kid's view of "normal." Plus she's done previous things involving my nieces that I will not subject my children to. Trust me, you would agree. Unfortunately she is bipolar and it's not under control, so my kids will not be alone with her.

Just needed to vent about it before I revisited any issues with DH - I don't like putting him between the two of us except for really important things. That is a lose-lose situation, so I only push it on deal breakers. Thankfully we generally see eye-to-eye.

johannaknip

Ugh, MIL's. She sounds like a gem.

I don't blame you for not wanting to share with her or ask her opinion. My MIL is the same way but if you don't share she will keep asking. And asking. And asking. And. Well, you get the point.

I would have gone BSC on the smoking thing.

Jenniferk08

AggieBeth06:

 Unfortunately she is bipolar and it's not under control, so my kids will not be alone with her.

Bipolar is not an excuse for being rude or stupid.  Those in my family who still smoke will walk away from me before having a cigarette.  I quit almost 5 yrs ago and can't stand the smell.  The only thing worse then a non smoker is an Ex smoker.  We've been there, done that and we managed to quit so all the boo hoo it's so hard crap doesn't move us. 

Cloth diapers are your choice and if you opt to use those then that's all there is to it.  Same with the name.  These are choices between you and your H, that's all the matters.

njmoh

Damn, even my chimney smoking MIL who swears that her smoking while PG with all her kids has nothing to do with their asthma problems, doesn't do it around me anymore. She makes it a point to go outside.

kimski

I can see why you're so frustrated that's why hubbie and I have kept alot of our decisions on the down low to avoid 9+ months of lectures etc. Figured hopefully there we be less issues after naming etc but we could go round and round otherwise.

 

I totally agree about the smoking issue. My FIL and occasionally MIL (plus 25% of extended family smoke) some like chimneys. I will say when we stay overnight there 75% of the time I end up with a sore throat/some kind of cold/reaction. I'm not looking forward to explaining why we'll stay over night at my mom's/extended family but not their house. I will say the day we told them I was prego from before to after taking the smoke outside happened more than usual but still didn't negate all the smoke that's just stale in the house from when we're not there. Sigh if you come up a good solution let me know cause we're in the same boat. 

 

On a side note Re: Medicare/SS discussion.  I'm pretty sure from my insurance lectures in college If your husband dies and was receiving SS benefits the remainder is transferred to the wife or surviving minor children. I know this happened with my cousins when their mother passed. Plus I remember telling my husband that if I should die we should collect whoever's paid out more mine vs his. Can't really remember the Medicare though. And of course not sure what the government has changed since then.