Who has the right to be at medical procedure?
Banana44
member
I'll try to make this a long story short! Today SS (7) had a minor surgery (his first) - I did not go to the hospital.
3 years ago, I went with DH and SS to a doctor's appointment (at SS request). BM became very upset and DH and BM agreed that noone other than a bio parent can go to doctor appointments. We have followed this since.
I do not go to school parent events (conferences, back to school night), or medical stuff. I do attend anything open to public; sporting events, school plays, award ceremonies, etc.
Today, BM's BF was at the hospital. After SS went into surgery (he said nothing in front of SS), DH asked if BF could wait somewhere other than the family waiting room, DH was not comfortable with him being there and it goes against their past agreement. BM and BF refused, claiming he is family and they don't need it to be legal to be real - BM said she only doesn't want me to take SS to doctors alone, and she wouldn't have cared if I was there or not. They openly made fun of DH and basically told him to shove it.
So, do you think DH had the right to ask them to leave? I still think that since DH and BM have 50% custody, and they are each involved - the step parent or SO have no place at these events.
We have court next week (BM is again appealing the 50%), should we ask to have medical/education clause added to CO so that she can't bring whomever she desires to these appointments, andI will continue not attending? Or do you think DH should suck it up?
I hate that BM makes rules for me and DH, but then she does whatever she wants - I just think that it is all around rude, and it happens so frequently in our case.
Re: Who has the right to be at medical procedure?
So why do you allow her to make rules for you and DH?
When she had a problem with it originally your DH should have told her that you were there as his support and would continue to be there as his support.
Wouldn't it be nice if today at the hospital your Dh could have been civil to the bf? Instead he mimicking BMs douchy behavior.
It is your choice not to attend these events with your DH, BM is not the boss of you. It is her choice who she takes along. Stay out of each others business and stop trying to control each others lives.
You do recognize that, especially with 50/50 custody, there will be a time where either YOU or BM's SO may need to bring SS to a doctor's appt, etc. right?
I can see prohibiting a boyfriend, but not a step-parent.
I would actually put THAT into the new CO.
Just my opinion..
Unless it's in the CO, I don't think either party has the right to demand that someone be absent.
But morally speaking, she can't have it both ways. She can either come alone or shut up about whether you can be there.
If you do have something written into the CO, I think you should be sure to include something giving you the right to seek medical treatment for SS. My H and my parents have notarized statements allowing them to take DS to the doctor or hospital and make medical decisions in the event that I cannot.
Really, you would take the time to prohibit someone supporting a parent at a hospital while their child is having surgery???
Assuming that neither person would expose the child to a dangerous / unsavory person wouldn't it be so much easier to MYOB and each couple decide what works for them in each scenario?
I attend all those things stated above. I have even taken the SK's to dr appts. and school orientations by myself (if DH or BM can't attend). Of course that is because they are okay with it and so are the kids (I wouldn't otherwise).
It seems the rules have changed to fit BM's current lifestyle. If that is what they are then they should be the same in both homes. If DH really wants these items to be closed to bio parents only he should fight for it. If it is b/c of the rules in the past and he is just angry then he should let it go but that will open the door for you to be present at those things.
GL and yes it is rude and silly of BM. Hope your SS recovers quickly!
We recognize this, BM does not. According to her, she does not want me to ever take SS to the doctors - we know that if there is ever a time that SS is hurt - whoever has him will take him and notify the parents - no big deal.
Also - I see the point about supporting my DH while in the waiting room - but only to a point. I know that my presence ANYWHERE annoys BM. She can't satnd me, or our DD. So, I make a conscious effort not to be somewhere if me annoying BM outweighs me supporting DH. And today, I believe that me being at the hospital would not have helped - I am legally not allowed in recovery - so all I would have been doing is sitting there looking at BM and her BF - I would not have been able to see SS at all - so this morning I wished him luck, gave him a kiss and a card.
And, I don't think I allow her to make rules, but when something is requested and it makes sense - we follow. BM also asked that I never pick SS up from school - that didn't make sense, so we ignored her.
I just wonder if the step/SO need to be at medical/education events if both parents are fully involved parents?
My belief is that they do not 'need' to be there if both parents are able to attend. I don't attend medical or PTMs with my DH as I believe he and BM are capable of deciding what is in their son's best interests.
However that is my choice I wouldn't try to enforce it on BM although I get that you guys had an prior agreement.
So basically you and your DH allow BM to dictate how you support your husband and SS. Personally I think that is a bunch of BS. Plus, she can't have her cake and eat it too...if she wants to exclude you (her son's father's WIFE) then she shouldn't be able to bring a bf with her. If my SD wanted me to be at a procedure then I would be there. I have taken SD to the dr's for just a follow up without DH or BM. She is trying to push your DH around and it seems like he is letting her do it.
If your SS and your DH want you to attend something then you have the right to attend if BM is going to be bringing her bf - you shouldn't be excluded if she is able to bring a support person, why can't your DH?
This. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Don't allow her to make the rules for you and DH. Problem solved
I don't see a problem with you or BM's BF being there. I think the adults should grow up and deal with each other for the sake of your SS.
My personal opinion:
I don't go to regular doctor appointments, but if needed to in an emergency I would call DH and/or BM en route.
I was there when SS had his tonsils removed, I was providing support for DH and SS. I don't really care if she was annoyed or not. I was polite to her, and I didn't try to butt in and take over on any "mom" stuff. I just stood back and tried to stay out of her way.
I don't see the need for me to go to parent teacher conferences (SS has IEP meetings), thats something done without the SS present and its for the parents to sit down and make decisions on how to proceed with his IEP. I do review the paperwork afterwards and talk with DH so I'm in the loop.
I do go to back to school nights and school events. SS is there for those, and its good for me to know what to expect as I help SS with homework etc.
As far as school things - I attend parent teacher conferences. DH wants me there and I have background in education so I know what questions to ask - plus BM hasn't attended one in 4 years so it seems like she doesn't really care to begin with.
I was about to say the same exact thing.
MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I feel for the child in this case. The BM making these "rules" is just denying him all the love that a stepmother can give.
I am fortunate that my SS's mother recognizes that her son is lucky because he has MANY people in his life that love him and care about him.
She is just a selfish *itch
I see everyones point.
I probably would not have gone today even if DH and BM had not had an agreement. I would not have been there for SS - only parents were allowed to see SS before or after the surgery, so there was really no reason for me to go. If DH needed my support he would have asked - but he knows that being a divorced Dad sometimes means that he does these things alone. And he wouldn't have wanted me to see in the waiting room by myslef for an hour.
I also know that my Step-parenting style is not for everyone. In my home I am viewed as an equal parent - my DH and SS treat me that way - but I feel like a SM who has an active BM in the picture should limit her role on the outside world - such as medical procedures, doctor appointment, and parent/teacher conferences.
We always try to walk the line of not pissing off BM, but not being pushed around. It is really hard to have to keep going back to court, and DH is always feels the courts side with BMs, so he always feels in order to keep 50% sometimes we have to just let things go.
We're going to check with lawyer to see how common it is to exclude steps from medical and educational issues and then make a decision based upon that.
But I do know that I have no plans to start going to docotr's appointments - cause I would only be doing it to piss off BM, and I'm not stooping to her level - I'm better than that!
As always - I appreciate the different points of view - Thanks! Keep them coming!
She really is selfish person - much different than my parenting style.
But, SS knows I love him. He got a special music card this morning. We shared Apple juice until it was time for no more liquids (Dad was still sleeping with DD) and I sent a cookie bouquet to him at BM's house - so he felt my love even if I wasn't there in the waiting room.
The sad part is that this morning I told him that I would have been there if I could, but it was really a Mommy and Daddy thing - so I hate that I might have looked like a liar - but I think that he knows I wasn't lying to him.
This. We're not buddy-buddy with my ex and his wife (DD#1's SM), but there is the understanding that all 4 of us (me, DH, ex and SM) are welcome to anything involving DD.
Purposely excluding someone clearly shows hard feelings and kids can see and feed off of that. DD's SM is an odd duck sometimes, but I have zero interest in making her feel unwelcome at anything. Now if only I could get her to show up for something, lol!
ETA: Just wanted to add that by including everyone there is less to lose in conversation later on. No "Well you didn't tell me that" to deal with.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05