WDYD: TTC Performance Anxiety for DH?

luckymrs.

DH usually has no problem...."delivering".  But he gets so anxious when we TTC.  This happened when TTC DD, TTC mc'ed baby, and again now.

I've tried everything:  not telling him any details and just jumping his bones at the right time, telling him everything, telling him minor details, everything in between, etc.  Nothing seems to work.  

Now it seems like this time the stakes are even higher for him:  he knows how upset I (and he) were about the mc, and wants to "make things right" for us as soon as possible.  We talked about this today when I was trying to calm him down when he got anxious.  I just kept saying that if it didn't happen, we'd have next month.  He sounded like me when he said, "but then we'd lose a whole month because I couldn't deliver!  That's not gonna happen."

I feel horrible that he goes through this, and I want to find a way to make him relax and make this process enjoyable and stress-free (or as much as possible) for us.  Today I even recommended DH go have a couple of beers, and then for us to reconvene.  He passed on the suggestion.

I'd be lying if I didn't also admit that I am frustrated at the same time (of course I don't let DH know this latter part--he doesn't need any more stress than he's giving himself). 

I know that DH can deliver without a problem we're not TTC, so I just want this mental block to be gone so we can up the odds of having a healthy sticky baby in my belly already!

Have any of you experienced this?  What advice can you offer for helping DH/the situation?  TIA.

 

biddy53178

ugh the same thing happens with us- we got to the point where i would cry myself to sleep on the couch following nights where he had a hard time- making me feel like a complete and total b!tch for being angry at him and making him feel like sh!t for making me hurt- it was really doing a number on our marriage- then in jan of last year after he got tested and everything came back ok he started to not have any problems- we had decided to "take a break" from trying and following getting ku in march there was never an issue- then in july when we were packing for maine i found a little blue pill on the bed- asked him what it was and he came and grabbed it and went running out of the room- came back later and said he bought them otc at the gocery store to help- i was upset that he didnt feel like he could tell me that at the time- now we are back to ttc and he's having the same problems again- i want to suggest to him to go back on the pill but i wont- i find that if i give him a little more attn (tmi probably) and get him almost to that point then we start with actual sex it works out better- but geez my mouth starts to get sore after awhile! good luck.

cutebride73

That has happened to MH before.  It is very frustrating.  You do all of this preperation to get the timing just right and then they either can't get it up, or they lose it or they can't finish.  It's like all they have to do is this one thing and they can't manage.  But, then I feel bad and think that I shouldn't put so much pressure on him, but it's so hard when you know there is this small, small window for success. 

shelshel79

DH gets frustrated and loses it sometimes, I can identify. 

I'm really sorry, it sounds like you really have tried everything.  I personally don't tell DH about any of the timing stuff anymore because it was getting to be stressful. 

If I were you, I would go back to (or continue to) not tell(ing) him.  I would also try to talk to him and tell him that this should still be fun and that you don't expect him to deliver...that he needs to believe that and relax. 

Last month for us was a lot more smooth.  DH doesn't really know where things are at with the timing and I plan to keep it that way.

caffinated_tulip

I got good at "nearly there" blow jobs, fixed the situation right up. 

jamilynn9

Don't forget, frequent BDing doesn't help either.  That + pressure = more difficulty performing.  TMI but maybe let him be in charge (ie: lingerie choice, favorite/new position, video inspiration, etc.)

shanna82

It's not just your DH 

I usually have to help with either oral or a hand job when he knows I'm Oing.  I try not telling him when I am Oing, but he catches on when I want to have sex every night.

Maybe try helping him out a little bit, or wearing a sexy outfit/lingerie/costume.  Try to keep his mind off TTC and keep it on sexy time.  

EclairAngst

We've definitely been down this frustrating path too. I wish I had some sage advice. Some of what PPs mentioned has worked for us, too, but "helping out" before sex has worked most consistently. Good luck!

Dawneecakes

I could have written this post myself!!  My DH is having problems now even when I'm not O'ing because now he is so frustrated  with himself and focusing on whether or not he is going to be able to "finish".  I don't give him any info on what is going on with my body and it still hasn't worked.  I so wish there was an easy answer for this!!!  

Kristin&Adam

We've been there too - I don't tell him anything at all about my cycle anymore and try to incorporate things that make it more fun for him when I really need him to perform

Rawr08

OMG!  I am so glad we aren't the only ones going through this.  Our poor DHs, I hope it all gets better!

CantWait2Be

We have this problem sometimes too. Sorry no helpful advice.