- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
asmo0401
member
Options
I'm sick of sitting back and saying nothing...
asmo0401
member
BM always sends crazy texts and DH never says anything. We told the girls they should get a hair cut prior to the start of school. They have been divorced 3 years and the girls have had 1 hair cut in that time, and BM did it. She is NOT a hair stylist!
DH got a nasty text saying "the girls don't need a hair cut!! they need a trim!! as a female and a mother there are things i am not comfortable with and things you don't get a say in. hair cuts, piercings, tatoos, bras, periods, and sex are off limits to you and your wife. if we had boys it would be different."
This message made me so angry. I hate that she implies that he should be less of a father because he has daughters. I feel like he needs to start standing up for himself. He says you can't reason with crazy...
Any insight for me?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm sick of sitting back and saying nothing...
You can't reason with crazy, but you don't have to. Unless there's some prohibition in the CO about haircuts or whatever, he doesn't need her permission.
As parents/stepparents/whatever you have the responsibility to help your kids avoid getting made fun of for having crazy hair. I'd say get them a nice hair cut. They'll thank you later.
If the girls are happy with the length, just get it trimmed/shaped. BM probably won't notice.
But I agree that there's no point in responding to her texts. Arguing like that never goes anywhere positive.
If the girls are happy with the length, just get it trimmed/shaped. BM probably won't notice.
This. I somewhat agree with your BM. No, not on her being crazy... I think either parent can go in and get a haircut, but with girls it really is different. I know if DH and I were to ever get divorced, he would not NOT be handling DD's haircuts, period stuff, bra's & underwear, etc... It's just stuff that mom's do. While I'm sure your DH is fully capable (as mine is) of doing these things, it's MOM stuff. It's stuff mommies get to do with their little girls. I DONT think the way she is being all hostile and biotchy about it is acceptable in the least, but her general concept that she is trying to get at, I get. Not that YOU wouldn't do a fine job either, but I can see where she would be a tad upset at her not getting to do those things.
If the girls haven't had a hair cut in over a year, I'd tell her that if the girls dont have a trim by the next time you get them, that he is going to take them to get a trim.
MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I don't mean this response to sound mean, or like I am hostile with you, just more venting on my behalf. :-)
I am a mother of a girl, so I get that there are some things a mom would like to be in control of. Implying that he is not allowed to be a part of every aspect of their life because he is not the same gender is not ok. I hope that he will be a part of things like sex, and decisions on piercings with our daughter.
She wants him to be vacant for parts of the girls' lives, but at some point that will likely come back to bite him in the arse too. My dad tried to let my mom take over the parts of our life she wanted, and then down the road she complained he was an a-hole for not being a part of it.
I'm sorry, but if my step daughters get their period when we are on a trip or something we will not say, "sorry, your mom says we can't have any part in this. Run to the bathroom, grab some toilet paper, and you and your mom can deal with it in a few days." I also will set rules in my home on boys and sex. If she does not like that, it's too bad. Our house rules are our house rules and we will talk to the girls about these if we choose.
As a father, DH also has the right to take the girls to get a professional haircut when his ex decides to chop 6 inches off and accidentally keep one side 2 inches longer than the other...
I clearly needed to vent.
I am going to be blunt here, but this is bull.
Please explain to me why a man's Penis prevents him from recognizing that his daughter's hair is a mess (and therefore could open her up to teasing) and then bringing her into a salon for a cut?
That is the same thing as saying that my vagina prohibits me from taking SS into a sporting good store for the right cleats.
Same comparison with training bras and the cup. Are they opportunities for bonding moments between moms/daughters or dads/sons - of course. But at the same time, it can be just as sweet/funny/poignent for the opposite sex outing.
And one should never NOT do something that is NECESSARY just because he/she is of the same sex. Outside of teachign some really outdated and sexist beliefs, you are putting your kids at risk.
I do want to caveat my previous comment. I FIRMLY believe that the parent with most custody gets a say over anything that she OR he is ultamately responsible.
If a mom wants long hair on her daughter because it is easier for HER to maintain on a dailly basis, then SHE gets final say over the length.
Now for me, I like my daughter's short bangs and bob, because it is easier for ME to take care of on a daily basis. But if DH tried to force long hair on us - he would be the one to brush and pigtail her hair every single day.
Your DH is her parent, too, and yes, of course he gets a say in clothing, hairstyle, teaching her about sex, and any other topic.
What is the wording of your CO? You have joint legal custody, right?
Lurker here, but why make the kids suffer because mom wants to "play mom?" Obviously, if they haven't gotten their hair cut in three years, its probably because is not a high priority to her, or she wants the rights to play mom, without the responsbility. Please don't make the girls suffer for one parent's laziness. Trust me, in a few years they'll be saying "Dad, why didn't you get our haircut when we were teased?"
I also don't think any part of a child's life should be "off-limits" to one parent. I can understand that SM shouldn't take them to get their ears peirced, but if one parent wants to get matching tatoos or nipple rings for a 15th birthday present, the other parent absolutely has a say.
I think you are reading something into that text that isn't there. I also don't think it's appropriate to tell the girls that they need haircuts before school. Your H should have said something to BM, would you like me to take the girls in for back to school haircuts? Oh, they only need a trim? Ok, would you like me to do it, or do you have it covered? You got it, alright and I am not to ever have their hair cut, ok. IDK how old these girls are, but I can promise you at some point, one of them will want something crazy done to their hair. BM will say no, they will come to Dad, pllllllleeeeeaaaassse let me get my hair cut. Maybe she is setting the stage now for Dad not to say yes. Just a thought.
FTR my dad was the one home when I got my first period, and he is the one who went out and bought me what I needed and talked to me about it. Even later on, my dad was the one who always stayed plugged in and talked about boys and sex and hygiene and all that. My mom was never really plugged in, and she still isn't that plugged into my brother. I actually felt better about going to my dad with my period than I would have with my mom, but that is because of our personal relationship.
Also, since we're on the subject of hair... any clue how I can persuade someone that SD needs a trim? Yes, we all love (well, in my case it's love/hate since I am the one who has to fix it) those beautiful long blond curls, but she hasn't had a trim in over a year either. The dead ends need to be trimmed. It's starting to look like a frizzy mess and it's getting almost impossible to fix. But anytime I mention her needing a trim, DH says "Her hair is so gorgeous! I'm not letting her get it cut!" Even when I try to explain that just the dead ends need to be trimmed up, he stiffens like it huts to think about it. I think he's afraid it's going to come out like the last time BM let her friend cut it and she came back with half chopped off and half still there and it looked terrible and we had to be the ones to get it fixed cause she didn't see a problem.
While I get where Ilumine is coming from in this, I also get the other side. I can promise you that these are all things that I will be responsible for him my marriage so I would think that if we got divorced that it will still be my responsibility. I think that periods need to be discussed before it is an issue and hopefully both parents have pads around so that when she first gets it there is no need for a real discussion. As for sex, if anyone here thinks my DH wants to have this convo with DD they are nuts...but I am sure he would have no issue with DS. And with my SD whose Mom was completely uninvolved from 12-18 (well really until now at 20), we were responsible for all of this, there was not much sex talk but DH did participate a little, I bought her underwear, brought her for haircuts, etc. Sexist maybe but I think it is how most marriages work.
This is how my SIL's H was with their daughter. Her hair was beautiful but so much work for everyone. SIL told her H that if he loved it so much, he was going to love the work. He had to wash it, dry it, brush it, and style it everyday. Her hair was cut within a week.
I would just like to mention that I got my period while my mother was traveling in Europe for 3 weeks with our church choir and my father handled it great. We don't give dad's enough credit (or moms when it comes to boy stuff) that they can do what's right for their daughters.
My dad sat me down and explained what was going on (eventhough I'd had a heads up from my mom earlier), took me to the store to get my goods and a bottle of tylenol. LOL He did a great job and I have no problem with my husband talking to our girls or doing hair cuts.
And if my SD gets her period while at our house, do I just drop her off at her mothers and say take her? No, I'm going to take her to the store to get her stuff and explain what's going on. SHe can then call her mother and say her step mother got her stuff and they can talk and do the shopping for their house when she gets there.