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TTC After a Loss
Been thinking alot...
.....over the last week about this board and here are my thoughts. When we first lost our child, I found so much support on Miscarriage/Loss board, and there I introduced myself. Once we were able to TTC again, I moved over here and didn't introduce myself (didn't think about it) bc I already recognized so many over on this board from the loss board. For the last 2 months, I have actively posted on this board with support or advice. I am spiritual, so I have prayed for this board every night and for specific situations I read about everyday on here. We all have a common bond, we have lost a child or children. Some of us move on quickly while others do not. I just don't understand why some people are so short, or even at times rude, to the new people on the board. You can't expect people to go back and read posts 5 or 6 pages back....come on now, this is an active board. I realize there are some people who lurk and run into this room with BFP's and want well wishes...I understand the snark. Then there are new people joining the board everyday and want to ask questions, get feedback, etc and some these people are just blasted for asking a question a senior member of this board has seen a thousand times. My point I am trying to make is that over the last week, all I have seen is conflict and it saddens me that a place where I go to for support is up in arms. If people don't like seeing the same posts numerous times, go hang out on the TTCAL +6 months board where that most likely won't happen. Since my loss, I went to therapy and found it helped me tons. I have only had a single loss, and I strongly feel for those who have had multiple losses...I don't know how you go on from day to day. But I do know if I were in your shoes, I would go and talk to a therapist or place faith in a higher being to help you deal with the bitterness. You should know we weren't the lucky couple who got pregnant easily. It took us 14 months to get a positive, with plenty of testing, and experimenting with clomid. Since our loss it has been a total of 19 months with no baby at all. I just ask that you try to hear me, get my point, and realize that harsh responses bc you have seen the same post numerous times or a BFP announcement can hurt people.
Got that off my chest, I really hope ya'll understand where I am coming from.
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Re: Been thinking alot...
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
Fine. Send us back to our dark, damp corner. But don't come running to us when you hit your 6 month mark, or need advice.
Shove it.
I don't think I have EVER seen this!!! Honestly... never. Maybe a few "please read the peas or TCOYF" that'll help in the future. But that's in no way rude!
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
Dude, did you just tell people to go hang out on +6 if they don't like it here?
I know you're probably sincere and are trying to be all helpful and sh!t, but really? FAIL.
12 long, hard years of TTC-
Miscarriages, losses, lots of treatments & drugs & IVF
Natural BFP (WTF?!) - 06/04/11 ~ lots of complication and drama, but sweet baby Adele born 02/07/12!
BFP #million -another girl for us! EDD - 05-08-15 (but will come early)
again...WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa
again...WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa
sorry I had too...
I haven't either.
Listen. I usually stay out of these things because I feel as the mom to a living child I have no farking room to tell anyone here how to feel BUT, I just can't let this one go.
I just don't think you get it, and worse, I don't think you get that you don't get it. Get it? 6+/the oldies are full of ladies who have had multiple losses, late losses, stillbirths, medically necessary terminations, 2+ years of treatments, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
Does it suck that you have TTC 19 months and have no take home baby? YES. Do you have ANY idea what those other ladies have gone through? NO. Do people have a right to be bitter/depressed/snarky when they are put in those positions? Ummm, hell yes.
Do I agree with everything that has ever been said here? No, but I have been here for more than 6 months and have never ever had a snarky thing said to me. Ever. It doesn't take more than simple courtesy, knowing when to keep your mouth shut, and knowing that you don't know it all to avoid any nastiness. Anyone who has spent any time here knows what buttons not to push and that usually there is a good reason. Bjesus people, smarten up.
First off I am in no mood today to deal with this crap. So I will be nice and point some problems with this tread.
1. Paragraphs are your friend. When you just type 1 long ongoing sentance my eyes just skim and I get bored.
2. Do not and I repeat do not banish the +6 month girls to only their board. I have learned alot from them and I try to take to have the same strenght that they have to get up each morning and face the world.
3. Know who you are talking to. Because you were not a "lucky" person and took you long does not mean each of us are there either. Took me over 5 years with fertility meds and I lost triplets. I don't know how I get up each morning to deal with this world. The girls on this board do it, and they keep me modiavted to do it.
I have seen tears, saddness, anger and laughter on this board. I have felt the pain of each person that has had to come back to this board over and over again. I call these girls my family and I don't appreciate the rudeness of strangers who come in with pompus attitudes who try tospurt glitter and rainbows everywhere.
Yes we all got here becaus eof the same thing, we all hope to move on. Until than, you bond with people.
Going back to my corner of my bed.
i dont believe thats what shes saying...i think she saying, that +6 was created for people who are tired of the same old questions....thats it.
i totally get alot of what you are saying...not all, but alot.
Of course you don't. Hang around a while longer, and maybe you will.
This. And you've posted all of 100+times so you must know.
BFP #1: 07/10/2009, Missed m/c, D&C 08/12/2009
BFP #2: 01/31/2010, Identical Twins died in utero due to TTTS, D&E 05/19/2010
BFP #3: 09/16/2010, natural m/c 9/21/2010
PCOS & Bocornuate Uterus Dx 1.4.2011
BFP #4: 01/11/2011
THIS, THIS, THIS! The ladies that have been here 6 months and longer have been so kind and helpful to me that you coming in here new, accusing them of being rude and bullying people is effectively crap and pisses me right the hell off. Don't you dare be rude to them and tell them that they should go back to the 6+ board.
I too have had days when I didn't think I wanted to face anything and they helped me up and gave me the confidence I needed to continue when I was down. There is no way in he!! that I will sit here and let you insult them now.
If you would get your head out of your a** and put in a little effort then you would feel the same love and support that the rest of us do.
Hmm, it appears you weren't here when the +6 board was created, but thanks for educating the group anyway.
The +6 group was created so that those of us who have been through the worst of it could vent about the particular struggles that come with that territory without having to be told by people such as the OP and yourself that we're being insensitive meanie heads. The understanding all along was that the +6 crew would still actively participate in the regular board, offer their advice, support, and even criticism, whenever they wanted. And they do. Which is why it's a little hurtful to suggest that they go back to their padded cells if they don't like the b.s. that goes on here.
I don't understand the need for posts like this. When you started at a new school, did you go up to the various groups and suggest how the kids should change themselves so you'd like them better? No, you ran off and found people you liked. If you don't like the attitude here, leave.
I sincerely wish you'd thought a little more before posting this thread. It doesn't really communicate anything that hasn't already been discussed, except to be hurtful to TTCAL 6+. I think we're hurting enough, thank you.
Sorry, ya'll aren't getting the message I intended to convey. Its the problem when everything is electronic, you have no clue about tone of the person writing the post. It was not meant to offend anyone, only to say that we have this common bond, let's build eachother up...new and old. Sorry you aren't seeing the bigger picture, but rather the number of my posts.
Sorry, but how can this (quote directly from you) be taken the wrong way?
If people don't like seeing the same posts numerous times, go hang out on the TTCAL +6 months board where that most likely won't happen.
It is a place for women to be around others of the similiar challenges TTCAL related.
After months and months and even years of trying you tend to relate better with those of the same and less with some of the newbies that will likely move on in a very short time. Also those women have been here for a lot longer than I and for sure you and have developed special bonds with each other.
Leave +6 out of this.
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
Alot isn't a word.
I'm focusing on the important stuff.
This is all I can think about too:
Courtesy of https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
TTC since Oct '09
Missed miscarriage 3/24/10 @ 16 wks, Partial Molar Pregnancy
Began our IF journey in May '11
Asherman's Diagnosis (cervical & uterine scarring) - Surgery 8/17/11
IUIs #1-#5 & 1 canceled IUI, IVF #1, 2 FETs - all BFN
IVF# 2 December '12, BFP 1/13! EDD 9/21
This post does NOT help get the board to a nice, warm, fuzzy place--which it sounds like to me is what you want.
It does the exact opposite actually.
FAIL!
it's the nature of this board it seems. before you can really start to feel like you belong, you've had to spend a good amount of time here avoiding pissing anyone off. The problem with waiting that long is how fresh the emotions are for us new kids right now. I know so many of the "senior" girls here have been TTCAL for a lot longer than I have, and thus they've had more time to become heavy hitter members of this board. And although I may say things those ladies don't agree with, I've never understood why such childish language is thrown around. So for those of us who are new, I guess it's better to just sit back and wait until you're ready to pony up and actually start posting and commenting with the best of 'em, in fear of saying something wrong or that goes agains the grain of the senior girls. OR... you can decide to ignore the over the top responses to a post like this, and just keep doing your thing. You decide.
You can be rational on this board MaryH, but these girls don't want rational. They want an excuse to "flame". And although your post was calm and simply told it how you saw it, it's going to blow up. So I'd just stop trying to reason with anyone and get the support where you can, pretending the harsh comments just dont' exist. Yes I'm new. Yes I've pissed a lot of people of in two whole days. But you know... it's really not been THAT many girls here. There are plenty who just don't get involved with all this crap. I'm going to try to be one of those women. the ones who just don't care about stupid threads like this that go way out of hand. They of course won't stop, but we don't have to be a part of them. If the flame throwers find their way into one of my posts, then they've made an ass out of THEMsevles and we will just have to say a little prayer.
I've gotten beat up for "saying the wrong things" but my goodness... just yesterday I made an honest go God post about feeling very emotional and lost. I got many wonderful and helpful responses and for those I was grateful, but I also got uncalled for harsh comments based on something I said in a different post. Those women chose to say hurtful and negative things towards me at a point where I did not need their hurtful words. At that point, they made the a$$ out of themselves and said the WRONG things at the wrong time.
I hope MaryH you find comfort here from the women who dont care much for these flame fests. it's fun for some, and to each their own. so let's not judge but just do our own thing. I am sorry for your loss and for your struggle to even get KU in the first place. please stay in touch with the board and keep us posted on how things are going. Hopefully, like always, it's a short stay here and you have a much easier time this time around.
best.
Actually that's exactly what she meant. And it's complete BS that she feels people should just go to 6+ if they don't like it here. 6+ has a very specific purpose and it's not this.
Missed m/c at 17 weeks, partial molar pregnancy d&c 11/30/09
I thought you said yesterday you were going away?
haha. not from the board. from that mess of a post. this one has turned out the same way huh? Have a great weekend ladies!
I'm late to this post and all but I seriously can't believe no one addressed this little gem.
OP - You have no effing clue what you would do if you were in the shoes of the 6+ girls. I can't believe you would presume to understand how difficult this process has been for them AND also tell them what they should do to "deal with the bitterness." STFU.
I'm sorry to stoke the embers but FFS. This really pissed me off.