*ticker warning** how would you want to hear news that SIL is PG?

mags2144

Hi Ladies-

I'm posting here to ask for your advice.  My SIL lost her baby at 20 weeks in february, and she and her husband have been TTC since they got the all-clear from the dr., but have not had success yet.  I was planning to tell her that I'm pregnant towards the end of the first tri-- go to her house myself, let her know before anyone else, and tell her that I fully understand if she has negative emotions about my pregnancy, etc...that I'm on her team and am rooting for her to get pregnant.  Would you want to be told in person, before anyone else finds out?  Hopefully she will get a BFP before the end of my first tri and this won't be an issue at all.

ColindaP

First and foremost, you are a thoughtful and empathetic SIL.

I understand the desire to tell her in person, I really do. You know her better than we do, and you know if she'd be ok with you telling her over email or some other way. You just need to be prepared for her to not take it well, if you are there in person. I mean, she won't take it well either way, but if you're there, she'll feel like she has to put on a brave face for you, kwim? That's why often women in our situation prefer to hear it from the horse's mouth, but not in person. If you think it is better to tell her in person, then tell her and then hug her and then leave. Don't do it at the beginning of dinner, or before the movie you're about to go see. Do it at the end so she can be alone and be sad.

And don't take her (inevitable) sadness as a slight to you. Those of us in our unlucky little club can do the impossible - be absolutely happy for someone at the same time that person's happiness is stabbing us to death inside. Really. Her sadness is about HER - not you. So don't take it personally if she cries, or doesn't sound excited, or withdraws from you.

Also, please don't make the mistake of thinking a BFP makes it all go away. It doesn't. Even if she gets a BFP before then, she doesn't have the luxury of naive excitement anymore.

BlakeG

First - please add a ticker warn as there are many raw emotions around here.

Second - I think it's very sweet that you are so considerate.  Personally I would prefer an email so that I have time to digest the news in private.  Last time I was told in person, I burst out crying and in addition to being so sad for me, I then spent weeks feeling so embarssed and guilty that I reacted that way.  I would rather read the news, cry in private and then move on.   

millejj1

Before I answer, I just wanted to let you know that it would be nice if you added a ticker warning in case others get their feelings hurt.

Regarding your post, I totally agree with pp. A phone call may be better but you do know her best. I think the fact that you are telling her first and in private is the kindest most thoughtful thing you can do and the world needs more people like you! 

TrickyLittleMinx

From personal experience of having a m/c and finding out my SIL is pg all within the same day.. I would want to be the first to know. I know it sounds selfish but really it just allows me to be able to prepare myself accordinly for all the things to come with it. My SIL was not thoughtful at all.. The day i told her i had a m/c she told me she thought she might be pg and then asked me if she could use a stick to pee. THE SAME DAY!

 

damabo80

BlakeG:

First - please add a ticker warn as there are many raw emotions around here.

Second - I think it's very sweet that you are so considerate.  Personally I would prefer an email so that I have time to digest the news in private.  Last time I was told in person, I burst out crying and in addition to being so sad for me, I then spent weeks feeling so embarssed and guilty that I reacted that way.  I would rather read the news, cry in private and then move on.   

Yep. This.

I love my SIL...the is the greatest (I would probably marry her if my brother didn't), and has been trying almost as long as we have...without success. I would be over the moon for her (probably one of the only PGs I would be over the moon about) but I would still want to have time to process my own grief in private rather than being blindsided and have to feel like I would need to put on a cheery face when all I want to think is "why not me". I like the email idea.

CashewsMommy

Thank you for thinking of your SIL. Do you still let her know that you're thinking of her often?

I have been told by cousins, and they told me by FB messages actually. I did like reading them when i was alone because i could react with my raw emotions rather than hide them for their sake.

I would have also appreciated an in person thing too, and gave my emotions after they would have left.

I can't speak for your SIL but i can speak for myself and how i'd feel. If she does act distant, raw, or mean at times... please do not take it against her. Sometimes these emotions, as much as we want to control them, we just can't! And please know that when you hit 20 weeks, it'll be the toughest time for her.

(((hugs))) to both of you.

damabo80

TrickyLittleMinx:

From personal experience of having a m/c and finding out my SIL is pg all within the same day.. I would want to be the first to know. I know it sounds selfish but really it just allows me to be able to prepare myself accordinly for all the things to come with it. My SIL was not thoughtful at all.. The day i told her i had a m/c she told me she thought she might be pg and then asked me if she could use a stick to pee. THE SAME DAY!

 

Hugs...I didn't know this story. What a twatrocket! Please tell me you throat punched her after she asked for a pee stick.

mags2144

(1) sorry about the no-ticker-warning

(2) thanks for all of the advice; on the one hand email seems so impersonal but I do hear what all of you are saying.  Luckily I have some time to think it over.

(3) and I do agree that her getting a BFP won't make it all go away-- re-reading my post, I didn't convey that correctly.

When we were on vacation last month she was talking about how hard it was for her to see PG women-- not hard to see babies, just PG ladies. She couldn't even look at them.  I hate to think that I would make her feel bad and/or that she would want to avoid family stuff to avoid seeing me.  Of course I would not take it personally-- just because you are pregnant doesn't mean everything is about you!

 Thanks, ladies.

babygirlpriest

Thank you for adding the ticker warning.

I can't tell you how she'd like to be told but I can tell you how I'd like to find out... and that's via email. It DOES seem cold and impersonal and its ok to acknowledge that in the email - just let her know you're doing this to allow her time to react how she wishes, etc.

And if I can just add - DON'T BIITCH ABOUT BEING PREGNANT AROUND HER... EVER!! Yes, there are parts of pregnancy that will suck and you have a right to complain about it - just not to her. It probably seems like a no brainer but you'd be surprised how many people want to complain about all the down sides of it like that will make us feel better.

awesome-sauce

Not sure if i'm late or if you'll see this... 

I agree with pretty much everything the PP's have said. It's awesome that you are thinking of her feelings and I hope you have a H&H 9 months!

I had this happen to me THIS week. A good friend who knows i've struggled the last few months emailed me and basically said,

"I wanted to tell you myself that I am pg, before you hear it from anyone else. I'm so sorry it has taken me a little longer than it would have otherwise, but I was concerned this news would hurt you in any way. I think of you often and love you very much. I hope you understand that i'm emailing so that you have your own time to process this announcement. I'm not good at big announcements and did not want to make one this weekend, because I did not want to make you uncomfortable or hurt you."

Anyway, you get the gist of it.

I know several women that have made FB or public announcements about their pregnancies and didn't say the first thing. Of course, they don't have to, but it means the WORLD to me that she thought of me.. I will always be forever thankful for that.

*Hugs* to you and your SIL.

 

mags2144

Thanks awesome-sauce.

 It seems like "in writing" is the way to go.  I might do a hand-written letter instead of email though, because I'm afraid that she will check her e-mail on her phone in line at starbucks, or somewhere in public that she doesn't want to have a breakdown.

Kristin&Adam

mags2144:

Thanks awesome-sauce.

 It seems like "in writing" is the way to go.  I might do a hand-written letter instead of email though, because I'm afraid that she will check her e-mail on her phone in line at starbucks, or somewhere in public that she doesn't want to have a breakdown.

I think that is a really great idea.  Major kudos to you for being such an awesome SIL.

awesome-sauce

mags2144:

Thanks awesome-sauce.

 It seems like "in writing" is the way to go.  I might do a hand-written letter instead of email though, because I'm afraid that she will check her e-mail on her phone in line at starbucks, or somewhere in public that she doesn't want to have a breakdown.

Oh, yes. I see what you mean! I have a blackberry and didn't think of it that way. When I realized why she said it that way, it helped. Actually, i'll see her tonight...It'll still be tough, but I am going to try my best to be gracious and not bust out crying in front of everyone!

lindsay.lou

lrachelle80:

"Dear SIL, How ARE you?? I've been thinking about you and (baby's name) a lot. I just want you to know that I, too, miss (baby) and he/she'll always be a part of our family.

Now for some hard news. I'm pregnant. I wish so hard we were celebrating our pregnancies together. I hate having to tell you this knowing you're not, and I know this is going to be hard for you to hear - especially around your due date. I wanted to tell you in person, but I opted for email so you can get all your emotions out without having to put on a brave face for my sake.  If/when you're ready to talk, please let me know. I'd love to hear some more (baby) stories and see how you're doing.  I love you and (baby) and (her husband) so much and I while I'm excited to be pregnant, I so wish I could break the news to you while you were cuddling your own sweet baby.

Love, me"

Seriously, just c&p this. It's perfect.