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Adoption
Advice needed
Hello Ladies!
I haven't been around much, but am in need of some wonderful advice.
Background: We adopted our girls this April through fostercare. No contact with BM and BF, but we have allowed contact with bio grandparents and bio aunt and hubby are our good friends. We have wanted to keep the connections, but in May when we allowed a visit the bio grandparents allowed girls to see BF. This upset us and haven't had much contact with them since.
Today: bio grandparents sent an e-mail asking if they could take the children overnight.
DH and I don't want the girls to see BF. We feel scared to allow this overnight to happen because of the last incident.
We are wanting to keep visits more along the lines of having them see the girls at our home so that we can monitor who they see and what is said.
The question: (finally) How do I approach this with them? I want to be sensitive to their feelings and still want them to be a part of their lives, but have a hard time trusting them.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice needed
The best advice I can give is be honest. My parents have permanent legal custody of my cousin. Although not adopted, she has been with us since she was 3 months old, legally since she was 1 year old and she is now 9. Both birth parents were heavily involved in drugs. Today they are both clean and they do keep in contact.
However, several years ago my parents took her to Florida where the birthmom was living at the time. She wanted to keep Baby C. Mom and Dad allowed it. Baby C stayed with her birthmom for 3 days. About a year later we found out that her birthmom had left after Baby C was dropped off. She was left with people she didn't know. To this day she can't let my Mom or Dad out of her sight. She's terrified of them leaving.
Since then, my parents have been very up front about her not staying overnight. If she wants to see her, she comes to my parents' house. She's always welcome, but there are no overnight visits.
Maybe being in your home is too intimidating for them?
To possibly neutralize it, maybe meeting at a park for a picnic or a camping trip (with them AND you there?)
I deifnitely agree with the other posters. Be upfront and honest. I might even be a little hard on them when I spoke to them. Not mean but definitely firm...My friends (also foster/adoptive parents) have been through the same thing and here is an example of what she said to her adopted girsl bio fam for something similar:
"I want you to understand we want you to be in the childrens lives but what you did really makes us uncomfortable and you have broken our trust. As their parents we have to do what we feel is in the best interest of the children and we will do what we feel is necessary to protect them. The decision you made to allow their BF to be around them was not yours to make. It was ours and since we cannot trust you to leave those decisions up to us, we now want your visitation to be supervised. I am sorry it has to be this way but until the trust is restored, thats how it has to be. So would you like to meet at the park or the Zoo next Saurday."
Firm yes, mean no. I liked how it was handled and will definitely keep in in mind if I need to do the same thing.
Your post shows lots of empathy. IMO it's always best to meet in person and be honest and firm, but compassionate.
Be prepared for them to be unhappy...but remember that your the parent. They may leave mad but they'll come back around and either understand or not...but you'll have set a precedent for how you will handle your children.
Good luck!