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Regrets?
I am regretting telling people about our adoption journey. We became active last October and we were very excited so decided to tell all of our friends and family. We honestly didn't think we'd be waiting this long either. Anyway, I think the wait would be easier if not so people knew because there is so much pressure on us to get matched now. Everyone is very excited and always asking, "Anything new?" The longer it goes on the harder it gets for me. Just wondering what if any regrets you all have with your journey?
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Re: Regrets?
I don't regret telling everyone that we were adopting, but I do regret telling everyone we were matched the first time. We were so excited to be matched, that we shouted it from the rooftops. We let ours hearts get too involved by taking the BM to all her Dr's appt's, and shopping, etc. When she went into labor, and changed her mind, we were devastated. Not only were we devastated, but we had to tell, EVERYONE what happened. Friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, it was heart-wrenching!
When we finally got our sticky match, people were upset that we hadn't told them, and of course were completely shocked that we just came home from vacation with a baby, but ultimately, they understood after what we went through with the first match.
This exactly! I do sometimes wish everyone didn't know about the adoption at all because it is hard to get those "any news" questions daily... but I also enjoy having the support so I think for us anyways it's better that everyone knows. The failed match was HORRIBLE though. As hurt as we were, it was so hard to tell everyone what happened. At least they knew why I would burst out in tears for a few days though! We have decided that when we are matched again, we will only tell our immediate family until we have the baby and the revocation period is over! Some people might get upset but I just think it will be easier on us if we have another failed match!
I thought I would regret telling everyone about our match at first because we got a lot of questions about it and then I thought maybe it was a bad idea that we shouted it from the rooftops too. lol But now I really haven't had anyone asking about it and everyone has been very supportive and understands that it may not go through. They might also not be asking because its a longer match and that I told everyone when we have news we will let you know to hopefully keep them from asking everyday.
When my friend had a miscarriage everyone and their mother asked her about it too. I just think that people don't realize that their questions hurt when you have to keep talking about it and bringing up the same pain over and over again.
Yes I felt that way the first time. I mean I wouldn't have done it different, but it was hard being asked constantly. People don't ask NEAR as much this time around, but it's still a big topic of conversation...
I'm sorry! I hope you get your sticky match soon.
Even though it is sometimes hard, I do not regret telling people about our hopes to adopt or the two failed matches we had. I know that for me, a lot of the discomfort has come because I longed to feel "normal".
It has also allowed me to discover who really supports us, and in a few cases it has been surprising and created new connections. For me, it is a big thing to deal with and I am so proud of the people I know that DO keep asking.
After our first failed match we didnt' really shout out that we were matched again and I know a few people felt hurt, but hey, they didn't ever ask us how we were doing or if there was anything new so I guess that made me feel better. I knew who was in our corner for better or for worse and who would be there for the good times. It's REALLY hard, but I guess we must go on! We are given the stength that we need - not justly, but it is there and if you have the chance to grow within or to grow a connection, then there is something to be positive about.
We kept quiet about it except with our closest friends and family until we had a match.
Well, the match failed and I really hated the part of telling everyone over and over. Basically these are colleagues and acquaintances that I am close to but not close enough to be blunt and start crying.... So I kept a stiff upper lip and was short about the explanation.
I prefer to be a private person but at some point I had to share.....since I was leaving work, etc.... Oh well. It's part of the journey.
I actually regret holding off telling more people. We didn't have anyone ask if there was anything new, or if they did it wasn't phrased in a pressure-filled way at all. Instead we had to basically re-invent the wheel when telling people about our entire process in one conversation as we told them about DD.
I was warned by a CW who had adopted that I shouldn't tell too many people, because they'd all bug me. And no one did. Odd how people have such widely different experiences.
Like Dr. L, we held off telling people early on. Other than family and our references, few people knew until we were homestudy approved. Then, we slowly started spreading the news. Some people didn't know until shortly before we left to get M; some may still not know. People became aware in order of their closeness to us.
I like the way we handled it, because the people who mattered knew and understood our journey and the difficulties of the wait. The people who didn't, found out when appropriate (we weren't hiding it, just not making it a topic of random conversation; if it came up, it did; if not, it didn't). Since we had several times when we thought about asking to parent a specific child only to see them disappear from the list, we were also very careful about telling people when we asked to parent M.
After we were matched, we shared the news freely, with the caveat of "we hope everything works out and we bring him home as our son, but we've seen a lot and know that things can still fall through." That way, everyone understood our trepidation and was generally sensitive to it.
I'm sorry you regret telling people. I know it must be tough when people keep asking. Our process took 2.5 years, and by the end, mostly everyone we saw on a regular basis knew, and I was sick of the "any news" question, too. I tried to keep in mind that people were only asking because they were interested and excited for us, but it still sucked sometimes. I hope things get easier for you, and that you have your forever match real soon!