Stepdad wanting to be called Grandpa...

AnnieM1977

So, my Mom has only been remarried for a few years, and I like my step-dad, but one thing that has always bothered me is he refers to himself as my "parent."  I get that he wants to be a family, but I am 33.  He also refers to my Mom as "Grandma" for his grandchilden, which has always hurt my feelings since I tried for so long to get pregnant and I'm technically my Mom's only child...

Anyway, we told the news to my Mom this weekend, and I just got an email from my step-dad saying congrats, he just heard the news, and can't wait to be a Grandpa again.  He even signed it "Grandpa."

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really don't want our child to grow up calling him Grandpa.  I think it is sort of unfair to my Dad, who can't stand my step-dad.  I don't care if they call him anything else, Papa..whatever!  I just feel like Grandpa should be reserved for my Dad, and my FIL. 

I think if he raised me, I would think differently, or if he and my Mom had been married for a long time...but they have only been married a few years, and honestly I don't think the marriage is working out that well anyway... 

 

kilissa

I can understand to an extent. I think it's important for your biological parents to have first pick on what they want to be called.  If your dad wants to be grandpa then your stepdad will need to pick something else out.  I think you should talk to your mom and tell her how you feel.  

As a stepkid, I used to feel sad when my step family didn't want to accept me full heartedly.  I think it's nice that your step family wants to be a part of your family.

LifetimeOfLove

This is a tough situation to be in. Have you talked privately with your mom? Is it possible to suggest another name and say that your father is going to be called Grandpa and you don't want it to be confusing? I have no real words of wisdom but I do want to say good luck and keep us posted on how things go.

cherryblssm

Have you asked what your Dad and FIL actually want to be called?  Are you absolutely sure that they want to be called Grandpa?  I thought my dad would want be called Grandpop but he wants to be "Pop-Pop."

Also, kids come up with their own nicknames for their grandparents, sometimes in spite of what they are "taught" so your child might come up with their own name for everyone (so, instead of saying "Grandpa," the kid might say "Pepaw" or something).

I would let this one go.  Your kid won't be talking for a year or two after it's born anyway...and if the marriage isn't working out that well, it might be water under the bridge as to what your step dad wants to be called since he may not be in the picture.  That's just my opinion.

 

 

AnnieM1977

Yeah, I think I do need to mention it to my Mom.  And yes, I am glad he wants to accept me, but I was 30 when they got married...so it is not like he raised me.  I have just always felt like he was a little pushy about all of that stuff.

elizabeth&james

Your dad totally gets first dibs on whatever name you want him to have. You can definitely think of a couple of options for them to choose from and offer step-dad his choice of your pre-approved names. Maybe since "grandma" is already a little tainted for you you could think of a cute new pair of names for your mom and step-dad. Hopefully he was just trying to be happy for you and he's just used to referring to himself as grandpa- b/c of his actual grandkids. I think you can definitely steer him/them in the right direction!

mek10976

Ugh. We are kind of in the same boat.  MIL is engaged (this will be marriage #4) and asked us, in front of her fiance, what DS should call fiance.  It was really ackward and I can't remember what we said to her.  My opinion is that he doesn't get a title until they are actually married (she isn't even divorced from #3 yet).  And it does seem kind of strange to me to have DS call him some variation of grandpa.  He already has 2 grandpas.  But I do feel bad for fiance b/c his daughter passed away in her early 20's and his son was paralyzed, so our children may be his only "grandkids". 

Magical95

I'm not really sure how this will go with us. Stepmom I dont have to worry about bc my dad is dead and I never see her at all. I do call my stepdad my parent out of generalization but I'n not sure I want to go to the grandpa stage. Their marriage is also rocky. Ugh something else to worry about. His grandkids do not call my mom grandma so I would guess I wouldnt have to either right?

Twinkz

I come from an ultra-confusing family.  I have three grandma's but my parents are still married to each other and my grandparents never remarried (all of my grandpa's are deceased).  My mother was married before and had my brother (who was adopted by my father) and I consider her first MIL my grandmother.  There may not be a drop of blood relation, my mothers first lasted about 2 1/2 yrs so it's not as though they were married long either.  However to me her first MIL is more a grandmother than my fathers mom or my mothers mom.  I don't call her grandma but she filled the role.

I'm not saying your LO should call him whatever he calls your father and your FIL but don't discount your step-father.  My parents hoped their mothers would fill the grandmother type role but they didn't.  My father's mom fell miles short of filling the role and my mothers mom was kinda of wishy washy.  But I had the best replacement anyone could ever ask her.  I still visit her atleast once a week and wouldn't trade our relationship for a million blood relatives.

mommyjenny257

My stepdaughter is 5 and she calls my dad and stepdad "Papa John or Papa Darryl".  Adding the Papa before their first name shows some respect, but adding the first name shows that they are not her true Grandfathers.  However she does call my mom and stepmom "Grandma".  But the other day, we were talking about Grandmas and she called my stepmom "Grandma Katie".  I think that's perfectly acceptable.  Because both myself, DH, and his ex wife all have divorced parents, she has like 6 Grandmas and 5 Grandpas.  So if she needs to put their first name after "Grandma or Papa" then that is perfectly fine.  I like that she call all of her grandparents, step or not by some sort of grandparent name.  As far as she is concerned, that is all she has known (IDH and I have had her full time since she was 3).  I suspect we will do the same with our new LO once it begins to talk.

Beccaboo0713

I am sorry you are in that situation.

I just want to say that my mom's mother got remarried when my mom was 18 (4 years before they got pregnant with me). Her dad also got remarried at the same time so I have 3 sets of grandparents. Now I LOVE my step-granddad and never thought of him as a step. He was my favorite grandparent and now that he is gone I miss him dearly.

My stepgrandma I never cared for but I also call her grandma out of respect to my mom's father. She love's her dad dearly and it would hurt him if I did not call her grandma. It hurts no one to call her this and makes my moms father feel good. 

I just thought I would throw in my prospective. I will say that all four of them (my bio grandparents and step grandparents) had a wonderful relationship and still got all together for thanksgivings and christmas sometimes. I know it seems odd but they didn't get a divorce because they hated eachother but because they were just not IN love with eachother. So I guess my situation is a bit different.

 

lmguerrero

My stepdad is also relatively new to the family and i struggled with this too.  I definitely don't consider my stepdad a 'Dad', so struggled with the Grandpa name.  Over time, we've all settled on Grandpa Bill and it has worked out just fine.  For some strange reason, adding the Bill to the end makes it easier for me. 

Sugarpie3

AnnieM1977:

So, my Mom has only been remarried for a few years, and I like my step-dad, but one thing that has always bothered me is he refers to himself as my "parent."  I get that he wants to be a family, but I am 33.  He also refers to my Mom as "Grandma" for his grandchilden, which has always hurt my feelings since I tried for so long to get pregnant and I'm technically my Mom's only child...

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really don't want our child to grow up calling him Grandpa.  I think it is sort of unfair to my Dad, who can't stand my step-dad.  I don't care if they call him anything else, Papa..whatever!  I just feel like Grandpa should be reserved for my Dad, and my FIL. 

I think if he raised me, I would think differently, or if he and my Mom had been married for a long time...but they have only been married a few years, and honestly I don't think the marriage is working out that well anyway...

I think you are overreacting and are coming across as whiny and immature. Yes.. your parents are no longer together. I get that can be hard. However you have a step dad that is trying his best to be a part of your family and you seem set on making distinctions to make sure he is aware he is not considered part of the family in your eyes.

The fact that you complain that your mom is Grandma to her husband's grandkids is ridiculous. You need to accept the fact that your LO will be born into a mixed family. This could be a great thing if you put your differences aside. Otherwise your LO may grow up with the same prejudices you have against your stepdad's family.

I sincerely hope this is chalked up to pg hormones....

AnnieM1977

Sugarpie3...

I sincerely hope your response is due to your pg hormones.

Also, you are at 25 weeks, why are you even on the March board...just sayin.

My point in mentioning my Mom being called Grandma is that I feel like my stepdad has been pushy from day one for us all to act like a close family.  I am in my 30's as well as his 3 kids...so it is not like we are all growing up in the same house together. I don't have "prejudices" against my stepdad's family...I think they are all very nice, but I don't consider them my brothers and sisters...as I am sure they don't consider me that way.  

My step dad is considered part of my family.  I see him more than I see my own Dad because he lives out of state, however, I don't think that gives him the right to try and take the place of my Dad, which is how it comes across.

Anyway... 

 

 

 

 

erin.m

I guess I would say well at least he wants to be involved.  I found with DS everyone has their two sense in what the want to be called, or not called for that matter.  My mom didn't want to be called gramma so she goes by Noni, my stepmom goes by Grammie and MIL goes by Gramma. You just make the final call.  Tell him you are uncomfortable with it and make a suggestion as to what LO should refer to him as.  Good luck!

tnt0201

I  know that's difficult. I come from a blended family and my stepmother's grandkids all call my father "Grandaddy John". They call their biological father Pop or Papa. Children don't understand the intricacies of family politics, all they know is the love and support they get from the people around them. When dealing with "halves" and "steps", I've taken the policy that they don't exist-- family is family and you don't want anyone to feel like a second class citizen in their own home. I'm an Auntie to my steps' kids it's very meaningful to be included as such. Take this as an opportunity to bring everyone closer together.

Sugarpie3

AnnieM1977:

Sugarpie3...

I sincerely hope your response is due to your pg hormones.

Also, you are at 25 weeks, why are you even on the March board...just sayin.

My point in mentioning my Mom being called Grandma is that I feel like my stepdad has been pushy from day one for us all to act like a close family.  I am in my 30's as well as his 3 kids...so it is not like we are all growing up in the same house together. I don't have "prejudices" against my stepdad's family...I think they are all very nice, but I don't consider them my brothers and sisters...as I am sure they don't consider me that way.  

My step dad is considered part of my family.  I see him more than I see my own Dad because he lives out of state, however, I don't think that gives him the right to try and take the place of my Dad, which is how it comes across.

My response was in no way influenced by my hormones, just based on the info you posted.

Yes, I am 25 weeks. As you may be aware, this is a public forum which allows all posters, including you and me, to post/reply anywhere we choose to. 

You say you have no prejudices towards your stepdad's family yet in the same breath you say  I don't consider them my brothers and sisters...as I am sure they don't consider me that way.   

Perhaps your stepdad wouldn't seem so "pushy" about being  close if it wasn't so obvious that you didn't want to be a part of his family.

 

 

AnnieM1977

Sugarpie, you have no idea what you are talking about and so this will be my last response to you.

First, his children are nice people, we are just not that close, and that is fine.  I honestly feel like that is something brought on by them, and not me.  I have invited them to numerous events, parties, get togethers and they have never come.  In addition, they have never invited me to any birthday parties, gatherings, etc.  My stepdad didn't even speak to 2 of his children for years because they took their Mom's side when their parents divorced, therefore they did not like my Mom, and did not like me.  I was even excluded from a Christmas gathering a couple years ago because having me and my husband there would "disrupt" their new baby.  So, I don't think it is me that is not acting like I want to be a part of their family. I don't think that it is a bad thing I don't consider them my brothers or sisters??

Second, I am trying to avoid hurting my Dad's feelings in all of this.  That's all.  He does not like my stepdad at all, and has had a really hard year.  Telling him I was pg was the only thing that has made him happy this year, and I don't want to take any of that away from him.

I'm not excluding him from anything.  I just think that there are boundaries.

 

ladyforsythe

My parents had similar issues with their stepparents.I ended up with a Grandma Beverly and a Grandpa David. It was a fair compromise to them. You'll find the balance.

Sugarpie3

SusanNC:

I  know that's difficult. I come from a blended family and my stepmother's grandkids all call my father "Grandaddy John". They call their biological father Pop or Papa. Children don't understand the intricacies of family politics, all they know is the love and support they get from the people around them. When dealing with "halves" and "steps", I've taken the policy that they don't exist-- family is family and you don't want anyone to feel like a second class citizen in their own home. I'm an Auntie to my steps' kids it's very meaningful to be included as such. Take this as an opportunity to bring everyone closer together.

Well put.

EMarberry

I'm not trying to be argumentative just giving my view. 

My husband has a step father.  It never even occurred to me that our child would call him anything but Grandpa.  It's not about my relationship with him, or even my husband's relationship with him.  It's all about this child's relationship with him.  The more people in this child's life that love him/her and care for him/her, the better.  No matter if I view him as a father, or if my husband views him as a father, he will be an amazing grandfather to our child   Just another way to look at it.

09Bride03

I think the easiest solution is "Grandpa (name)" like PP's have said.

My mom's husband is "Grandpa Dave" to my boys.  Even though they have been married for close to 20 yrs, he has never been a father figure to me. But that is MY issue, not my childrens'.  

My dad is Poppa.

MrsBeck0802

My dad's dad passed away before any of his grandchildren were born. My grandmother remarried when we were all still pretty little. He was introduced to us as Bill and that's what we called him for years. A few years later we started calling him Pop-Bill and eventually just Pop. But we did that on our own. He never forced us and neither did anyone else. IMO, I think it's something you just have to feel out once the kids are old enough to talk and put two-and-two together.

My sister had my neice when she was 17. She got married three years ago and not to my neice's biological father. She was recently adopted by him and therefore his family has adopted her. She refuses to call her dad's mom Grandma (she's an absolute nut case anyway) but will call his dad and step-mom Poppy and Nanni. Again, no one forced her to call them anything. They were introduced to her my their first names and she decided what she was going to call them.

Those were just my experiences with step-family and they all worked out without any hurt feelings. Yours will too!

Fryday37

i was on the phone with my mom when i was reading this and it's something i have to deal with too. my mom is remarried and has been for a few years. i intend to have LO call her husband Grandpa Mike (i dont know her husbadn well and i dont even refer to him as my step dad; that seems silly to me since they married when i was 30). my step mom is a whole other can of worms. my dad and step mom have been married since i was 12 (im 33 now) and i have actually lived with them and i even call my step mom "mom" more because she gets a kick out of it as she doesnt have children of her own. my mom told me that she does not want LO to call stepmom grandma because she doesnt want LO to be confused and my mom is worried that LO will call her Grandma Chris (this is what her husband's grandchildren call her). i assured her that she would be grandma and it could be that stepmom would want to be called something else. i call stepgrandma Granny. i finally just told my mom that the situation is what it is and that no matter what she is grandma. its times like these that i revert back to being a teenage and i want to tell my parents that it is their fault there is so much confusion! :-) but i am very upfront with everyone in letting them know my preference because long ago i realized it was not worth it to play the trying to make everyone happy game because it just doesnt work.

hrushka13

Since you will be the mom to the little one, you will influence him the most. So when you refer to your step dad call him " Papa -Teddy- " or whatever his name is or whatever the name you want. So he grows up calling him that.

2Be Dr. Mrs.

My husband is feeling conflicted in the same way. I guess because how I was raised (my gma married my gpa after my parents were married/before I was born), to my child my DH's step-father will be as real as a grandfather as can be. I never thought any different of my own grandfather and didn't even realize until I was a teenager that it might be weird for my father. I think it just needs to be an open conversation.

redkt97

I totally feel you.  My MIL's significant other of like six years refers to my husband as his son and it bugs me (its not even connected to me).  We got around it by having my DD call him the name for grandpa in his ethnicity.    My FIL want his Wife to be called Miss Name.  I don't even know what to do about that.  We don't see her to often so it hasn't been an issue.

Would it be possible to have a heart to heart with your mom and explain your feelings in a kind way.  Maybe even have a few other options as to what he will be called instead.  

Good Luck 

hawaii123

I think you are being a little silly.  Your child is going to know who your dad is when they get older.  Why be upset that someone else wants to love your child.  Like it or not, he is your mom's husband and I think your mom is going to be very hurt if you tell her that her husband isn't "Grandpa"

When I married my H, all of his siblings kids were already born except one.    They are my nieces and nephews by marriage.  While I'm not super close to any of them, I would probably have been hurt if they said "you're not my real aunt"