Community› The Bump Message Boards› TTC After a Loss 6 Months+
TTC After a Loss 6 Months+
New Discussion

No one asked, but...

michroccmichrocc member
in TTC After a Loss 6 Months+

I just wanted to put this out there, for public consumption.  Or not.  These are just my two cents...

I hate the word "bitter."  It makes me think of, like, Scrooge McDuck or something.  And I get so sad when we refer to ourselves as "bitter," because, to me, bitter implies that we have no cause for feeling the way we do, that we're just nasty and mean for nasty and mean's sake.  IMO, we are all in various stages of grieving, and sometimes that manifests itself in different ways - anger, frustration, sadness... These are all justified.  To me, when we say we're bitter, it's almost like we're apologizing.  And I don't think we should apologize for perfectly legitimate feelings.  

I wasn't sure, though, if my assumptions about the word "bitter" were fair.  Maybe bitter means something other than Scrooge McDuck, basically?  I looked it up:

?adjective
1.
having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine, wormwood, or aloes.
2.
producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt.
3.
hard to bear; grievous; distressful: a bitter sorrow.
4.
causing pain; piercing; stinging: a bitter chill.
5.
characterized by intense antagonism or hostility: bitter hatred.
6.
hard to admit or accept: a bitter lesson.
7.
resentful or cynical: bitter words.
 
So, while I think that some of the above accurately describe the sadness of loss (piercing, stinging, hard to bear) I reject some of the others (intense antagonism, hostility). 
 
Oooh!  Or maybe it's a word we're allowed to say about one another because, you know, we've been there and we get it, but it's just not cool for others to say that about us, kwim?  Because when I see someone call us "bitter," as is the typical accusation that gets thrown our way, I turn into the Hulk.
 
Sorry to ramble.  
BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
Report Reply to Post

Re: No one asked, but...

  • maymaymiamaymaymia
    imagemichrocc:

    I just wanted to put this out there, for public consumption.  Or not.  These are just my two cents...

    I hate the word "bitter."  It makes me think of, like, Scrooge McDuck or something.  And I get so sad when we refer to ourselves as "bitter," because, to me, bitter implies that we have no cause for feeling the way we do, that we're just nasty and mean for nasty and mean's sake.  IMO, we are all in various stages of grieving, and sometimes that manifests itself in different ways - anger, frustration, sadness... These are all justified.  To me, when we say we're bitter, it's almost like we're apologizing.  And I don't think we should apologize for perfectly legitimate feelings.  

    I wasn't sure, though, if my assumptions about the word "bitter" were fair.  Maybe bitter means something other than Scrooge McDuck, basically?  I looked it up:

    ?adjective
    1.
    having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine, wormwood, or aloes.
    2.
    producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt.
    3.
    hard to bear; grievous; distressful: a bitter sorrow.
    4.
    causing pain; piercing; stinging: a bitter chill.
    5.
    characterized by intense antagonism or hostility: bitter hatred.
    6.
    hard to admit or accept: a bitter lesson.
    7.
    resentful or cynical: bitter words.
     
    So, while I think that some of the above accurately describe the sadness of loss (piercing, stinging, hard to bear) I reject some of the others (intense antagonism, hostility). 
     
    Oooh!  Or maybe it's a word we're allowed to say about one another because, you know, we've been there and we get it, but it's just not cool for others to say that about us, kwim?  Because when I see someone call us "bitter," as is the typical accusation that gets thrown our way, I turn into the Hulk.
     
    Sorry to ramble.  

    YesYes two thumbs up!

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • rjl07rjl07
    I agree - I think I'm ok with us referring to ourselves that way, but I get pissed when others say that (or anything else negative) about anyone here.  It's like my relationship with my younger brother - I can torture him and say whatever I want, but I get pissed and defend him when someone else says the same.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • michroccmichrocc member

    Oh, and I scrolled down and saw this example:

    2. showing or caused by strong unrelenting hostility or resentment: he was still bitter about the divorce

    See?  Just rubs me the wrong way.  Can't put my finger on it.  

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
    Report Reply
  • michroccmichrocc member

    Sorry!  I'm being annoying and, apparently, am writing a thesis on this.

     

    But I had another thought - perhaps "bitter" irks me because it's often accompanied by "old" and "maid."  And it smacks of some serious societal views on what it means to be a woman without children.  I mean, you wouldn't say "Oh, so and so just lost their mom to heart disease and they're just so bitter about it!"  No.  You'd say "So and so is really sad because their mom just died." 

      

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
    Report Reply
  • jillcanadajillcanada
    imagemichrocc:
    .
    3. hard to bear; grievous; distressful: a bitter sorrow.

    ...is the definition that I had in mind when I posted my "bitter" message. I didn't mean to imply that the ladies on here are "bitter" if that's what you took away from the message, but rather that you all seem more in touch with the reality of TTC for a long period of time. I wish I could think of a word for "lacking optimism" that is not "pessimistic" because that's where I feel that I am in this journey. You're absolutely correct in saying this is a grieving process, which is even harder when you are TTCAL, (and I can't wait because I'm 35, and mom went through menopause at 38, so tick, tock for me.)

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    BFP #1: 07/10/2009, Missed m/c, D&C 08/12/2009
    BFP #2: 01/31/2010, Identical Twins died in utero due to TTTS, D&E 05/19/2010
    BFP #3: 09/16/2010, natural m/c 9/21/2010
    PCOS & Bocornuate Uterus Dx 1.4.2011
    BFP #4: 01/11/2011
    Report Reply
  • michroccmichrocc member
    imagejillcanada:
    imagemichrocc:
    .
    3. hard to bear; grievous; distressful: a bitter sorrow.

    ...is the definition that I had in mind when I posted my "bitter" message. I didn't mean to imply that the ladies on here are "bitter" if that's what you took away from the message, but rather that you all seem more in touch with the reality of TTC for a long period of time. I wish I could think of a word for "lacking optimism" that is not "pessimistic" because that's where I feel that I am in this journey. You're absolutely correct in saying this is a grieving process, which is even harder when you are TTCAL, (and I can't wait because I'm 35, and mom went through menopause at 38, so tick, tock for me.)

    Oh, no, hon.  No need to apologize at all.  I wasn't in any way saying that I was upset at you.  I was actually trying to say that I don't feel any of us should need to apologize for how we grieve, even if that includes some bitterness.  And the word just kind of rubs me the wrong way...nothing against you at all. 

    It just seems like everyone joins this board saying "I'm bitter."  Like it's an apology.  And I don't think any of us should be sorry. 

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"