Is what I went through PPA?

planeNsimple

I have been reading a lot of posts about PPA and PPD lately and I truly wonder if I had (might still have it but much better) it when my LO was born or if it was just normal anxiety.  I'm wondering if what I went through was something that I should seek help with in the future when we have kids.  I know you aren't doctors, but I know so little about PPA that I thought coming here for opinions or stories of what you went through would help me.

It was so stressful for me after I had my LO!  It was the hardest time in my life and I don't look back at the first 3 months fondly.  Actually I look back with dread that I will have to go through it again when we have more kids.  It was living hell for me.  Once in awhile I do remember good times though.  I would say I'm normally an anxious person, but during that time in my life it was bad.  Someone wrote this in a post and it so describes how I was and am "I still have a lot of anxiety if L doesn't nap well, won't go to bed, refuses to eat...things that are expected to happen here and there when you have a baby."  I still get anxious thinking that I have to pick my kid up from daycare and take care of him by myself.  But I do it all the time and he is with me all the time so it isn?t out of my norm!  Once I say that to myself, I sort of giggle and the anxiety goes down, but it is still there.  I would have thought this would have gone away by now because I have been doing it for 8 months!  When he was born, I would sometimes be so anxious that it would be hard to breath and I thought I would scream and cry any second (this happened daily most of the time).  I will say that my LO MIGHT have been a more ?difficult? baby.  I say might because I don?t know if it was my anxiety that made it worse or if that every mom had a baby that cried for most of the time, wouldn?t go to sleep without screaming fits, wouldn?t latch to the nipple, etc.  (I also had a LOT of pain from my csection, my hands would go numb all the time, my boobs were in so much pain, I had to EP which was living hell for me and make me so anxious every time I did it ? every 2 hours, we moved 6 days after giving birth, etc.)  But then I hear people talk about their experiences with PPA, my wasn't nearly as bad.  I didn't feel like I was going crazy or was going to die, but I did wonder that the hell I had gotten myself into and that I wasn't meant to be a mom.  I hear that those feelings can be normal though.

I am much better these days and am so thankful for that.  But I still worry that with my next LO I will be the same way.  I don?t want to be on medication when if what I went through was ?normal? first time mommy anxiety and stress.  Like I said, I know you are not doctors, but any perspective or thoughts on my situation would be a huge help!  Thank you so much!