$$ Worry

bigbear

Hi ladies!

I'm really worried and freaking out and am hoping you can maybe share some of your stories or give me some advice.

My husband and I are finally trying for a baby. If it was up to us, we would have already had one but there always seem to be other circumstances that get in the way. And the biggest problem is the money. So as happy as I am, I'm just as freaked out and scared b/c I feel that we are being irresponsible by bringing a child into this world without all the means necessary to give it all it needs and maybe sometimes a bit more as well...

Throughout my 20s I piled on quite a bit of debt. And NO, not b/c I went on fun shopping sprees, but b/c my family went through a really difficult time and we all had to start literally from 0. Now I'm stuck with the biggest pile to pay off. And it will take a few more years to get it all paid off. I'm 30 now and I just don't want to wait any more. Also b/c of some heart problems that were discovered. The longer I wait the more difficult it will be for me during pregnancy and delivery.

My husband always tells me that I worry too much b/c of the past and that I need to relax and be happy and that everything will work out. But every day we struggle and every day I run the numbers and there simply isn't enough money there. We are going through some cuts like canceling cable and such, but that only brings you that far...

We have good jobs, but the monthly payments are just so high... And even though some of my family members are well off now, they have all turned their back and said if I don't have the money for a child, then I shouldn't have one. Everyone is forgetting that I'm still paying for the things they have kept as well! But that's a whole other topic...

The biggest problem is the daycare. In the Twin Cities area, all I'm finding is $600/month or more....

 Did anybody else go through the similar problems and how did you deal with it?

Thanks for listening and all the advise!! And sorry this is so long

 

 

angel1015

I can totally understand your stresses, and I am sure most of us moms have been there at one point or another.  I have a few suggestions, but make sure you make the ultimate decision which is best for you, and no one else.

As far as finances, sometimes it takes a good money person to help understand a budget.  See if you can find someone who is good with money and can help you out, and maybe inform you of some debt consolidation or other payment plans to help with your big monthly payments.

As far as the cost of a baby.  Babies can be raised on very little cost, if you so choose.  Many of us have bought brand new big ticket items (crib, stoller, pack-n-play, swing, etc).  All of these items can be purchased gently used through second hand stores or Just Between Friends sales for much less than "new" price.  For diapers, cloth diapers, well they aren't your mother's cloth diapers anymore! (That's what I tell all of my friends when they find out I cloth diaper) They can be pretty inexpensive to purchase and are very easy to maintain, and that will eliminate your cost of disposable diapers.

For daycare, there are a few options, but yes, this has been our biggest stressor in financing a child.  Talk with friends or other mothers and see if anyone is willing to watch your child in exchange for services.  Whether it be swapping child care or cleaning their house, or running errands, etc.  Maybe you can find another mother who works the opposite shift than you and you can watch their child while they work in return.  I do believe this is also why you have seen an increase in single income families.  One parent is working just to pay for daycare, and it sometimes makes more sense for one parent to stay at home and watch the child.

There are so many options, so don't give up yet!!!  It takes some research and brainstorming, but it can be done on a very limited budget.

Good luck!!

bigbear

Thank you so much! This is definitely encouraging!

Well believe it or not I am an accountant. I already took the step of consolidating all the debt so it is one monthly payment that is actually paying it off than all the credit cards that don't go anywhere.

I am also planning on cloth diapers, so that should help.

What would also help is if my husband took on a second job just for a few months to get some things taken care of. But there is a bit of a struggle going on there. I feel somewhat pressured and when I talk about a second pt job he will look and give me suggestions what I could be doing "as well". I think that's a bit unfair. Plus if I get pregnant, I don't think I should be working two jobs if he's perfectly capable of doing it. I'm the "bread winner" so to speak anyway, even though I don't really think that matters.

I know there is room to still cust cost and eliminate some of the things we don't necessarily need, but when I run the numbers there is still some missing. So I think I will talk to some of my husband's family and see if they could help. I'm from Cali and all my friends and family are there so I will have to rely on my husband's contacts

Thanks again, it helps to hear an opinion of a mom who understands

 

 

Janell's Nest

I am jumping in late here but we've struggled a lot in the last few years with this exact same thing, and its harder on me because I do all the financial management in our house so I know what's going out vs. coming in.

I really hate to say it and please don't think I am attacking you or anything, but from the tone of your last post it sounds like maybe you and your DH need to have a serious talk and lay it out on the table for him to see and ask for help.  It's real easy to say he should go out and get a 2nd job, because well you can't work 2 jobs if you're pregnant...and I agree, but perhaps he doesn't know why you feel he should pick up a 2nd job, and perhaps he doesn't like being told or suggested that he should. 

 I think that is the biggest thing that helped DH and I get over the hurdle...its real easy to get into a bad pattern if you aren't on the same page with the finances...you just have to sit down and hash it out and be very clear about what your priorities are...and maybe outline the 1st year cost of raising a child to him so that he's aware of the situation.

We pay $10,400 a year just in childcare, and I think if your DH saw that number maybe he'd understand why you're panicking and maybe come up with some ideas???

ElizabethD

You got a PM   Well, if I can figure out how!  lol

bigbear

Jenell,

you are right and I am not taking it as a bad thing. I want to hear what other people think, someobdy outside the circle who isn't directly affected by it and isn't biast.

I did think I laid it out to him but maybe I wasn't clear enough. I do run all the finances, I plan and organize everything, but I do keep him in the loop and I do it b/c he never did and he wants me to do it. We have been talking about this for a very long time and I try to explain to him what we need to do to make it work and I've expressed my serious concerns but he just says "it will all work out"

Don't get me wrong, if I find something I can do to improve our situation I most definitelly will. But I do need to comminucate better to make sure he really understands. He is an amazing guy and very supportive but has never been very good with money or has had a good understanding of how things work.... I guess I'm looking for some innitiative on his part, but I will have to make sure I'm actually communicating clearly.

Thanks so much!!!

Janell's Nest

That's a typical male thing though...I haven't met too many men that panic about that sort of thing, they kind of just go with the flow, and even if they are managing the money they are that way.  Men just aren't uptight like us women hehe

I think the main issue we had in the beginning was him just going out an buying the things he "wanted" and not considering what was "needed" or what not, and I countered that by going and buying what I "wanted" until we got into a hole.  Now we are very clear and on the same page of getting the "needs vs. wants" in our purchases.  It was a VERY long process for him and it was re-training our thought process to not be "I want/deserve" this but "we need/have to" get this...We also laid out our 1 year and 5 year plan of where we want to be and what we want...and while I know DH is still in thinking of himself to some extent (he wants a small beater car to get to and from work) I've mostly got him thinking along the lines of what we want (a house)...so for that I have gotten a part-time job because I am the motivated party to get us out of our current situation and into a better one.  He openly told me that I don't have to feel obligated to get a second job but I wanted to do it.  If only for a year or two to get the money we need for a downpayment then so be it...I'd do just about anything for a house right now!

bigbear

You are absolutely right about that Which is a good thing, too. I do tend to worry, sometims a bit too much so my DH is the balance

Well maybe if I do a few more things on my end and start cutting on some stuff, that will show him that I am willing to do it just as much and it won't give him the feeling that I'm pressuring him on getting a second job while I play the "boss" role of telling him what to do.

I certainly spent money on things I didn't need like tanning, which I have now cancelled. So maybe I should take the first steps of getting rid of things that I personally do for just myself to make it easier on him.....

 We did really well in getting things organized when we bought our townhome. We did the same when we got married as we paid for most of it. So I know we can do it.

And you are amazing for taking on the p/t job to get you guys into your own house Best of luck! The next few years should still be a buyers market, so they say, so I'm sure you'll have a house sooner rather than later!

 

Denise70

I also can completely relate.  My husband, while very financially frugal, is also not a worrier.  I am the worrier.  He would just keep telling me it is ok. Finally I told him I needed all down on paper in front of me.  We keep a very tight budget which has been hard.  We now shop only at Aldi's (which has some GREAT deals especially on fruit) and I only buy a few things name brand.  Also we generally will go to the library and get the free passes around town to be able to have a "date" with each other outside of the normal things we do.  It was very hard at first for me to get used to this but in doing simple things like this I've learned I don't need as much as I thought.  We take so much out a month for food, gas and toiletries per month in cash and that is what we have.  This has made us more accountable for what we are really spending and has opened both of our eyes.

I understand about having debt.  I was in an abusive marriage 10 + years and left him and in the process acquired all his debt as well.  It is very hard.  Hang in there though.  Just when you think you can't squeeze more blood out of a turnip you can.  We don't have cable and rent movies from the library or have had netflix.  I also agree with the other ladies.  I buy off of Craig's List, Garage Sales and even yahoo has a website where everything is free.  You'd be amazed at what people throw away and in great shape.

With that being said.  You are still young.  I say this because I 39 and pregnant for the first time and we are due in October.  I had a different time frame in mind but God didn't.  I have gotten great deals and bought everything but the car seat second hand.   

Do what is best for you and your situation but know you still have a few years left as well.  I found the more stressed out the harder it was to get pregnant and once I did get pregnant I was a basket case at first.  But we really pulled together, put it on paper and have stuck to it.  That was THE most calming thing for me.  As far as daycare there are options out there but you just need to search for them I believe.  

 Best of luck and Hang in there!!!

ilovebijou

I agree with a lot of the pp. I think the first year diapers, formula, and childcare are the main costs. For diapers-you could use the Econobum cloth diapers and have all you need for less than $100 to diaper your child until they are potty trained. For feeding, I decided not to nurse but exclusively pump and it's saved us a lot of money. I took supplements after dd was born to increase my supply and have been lucky to keep it up. As far as childcare, since you are the breadwinner could your husband work a job opposite of your hours so he could stay home and you could save on childcare costs? We bought almost all of our big items- changing table, swing, high chair, etc- second hand. Maybe you could meet with a financial planner or use a budgeting software to see where all your money is spent and if you could cut out a few things.

I think it's great that you are trying to make sure you can afford a child but I think sometimes we can get stuck in trying to find the "perfect" time. I wish dh and I hadn't waited so long to have a baby.  

mbgreenwalt

It is hard to say what the best decision is.  I think you could go your whole life waiting for the perfect time, but I think it's smart that you are not just jumping in.  I can give you a brief description of my current situation.

DH and I were TTC for 9 months when he was laid off.  He was told it was temporary (2-3 months) so we kept going and conceived 2 months later.  We are going on 18 months of DH being unemployed.  This was not our "plan" and I would not change it for anything but it is not easy.  We are living paycheck to paycheck now an our savings is pretty much gone due to unexpected emergencies.  It is stressful being the family bread winner and it is hard on DH not being able to find a job.

DD's necessities have not very expensive and we have awesome family that likes to help too. It has been the other expenses that come with having a baby that are tough.  Her insurance is so expensive, my employer does not pay any of her premium so I pay $300/month out of pocket.  Also, I have 3 seperate hospital bills for her delivery. We thankfully have not had the daycare costs yet, but as soon as DH finds a job we will be paying about $500-600/month.

Good luck with your decision.

bigbear

Thank you so much ladies, you are wonderful!

A great help and support!

Just yesterday I have laid it all out on paper again, and there is definitely room to save more, which is great news! And we knew that, but I think the fact that I am  not pregnant yet makes it much easier to still get the things we want rather than need. But talking about it again, and really showing my husband $ for $ what it takes, made a difference.

I also spoke with my husband again and explained that I'm not trying to be the nag or the boss but am trying to communicate with him so that we can together find the best solution which has helped a lot!

I think a few more things have now clicked We have a good plan on how we would like to go about certain things. Although, plans change, but I think it's good to at least have an idea.

We  have also started taking out cash for food and gas instead of using the debit card and it's amazing what you can do with $10 when you know that that's all you got! haha

I see that some of you have definitely gone through harder times and you are making it work, so I know that my lovely husband and I can make it as well.

Good luck to all of you with the new house, baby, job or what ever else may come your way!