Hello
Hi,
I'm new on here. I am still married but things are very rocky and this morning I finally made up my mind that its no longer a matter of "IF" I will leave my husband, but rather, "WHEN".
I'm obviously very sad about it but also numb. I really didnt want to admit it but after talking to 5 very close friends (SIL, DH cousin, my friends), I've decided its the best for me and my DD. It may take time as I need to save up money and I don't want to put us in jeapody.
I'm a working mother, full time, currently breadwinner carrying the insurance and daycare, and so I am pretty sure we can do it. It will be tight but ok. My main concern is obviously money. My husband is very controlling and we have a joint account. He really is super tight when it comes to me spending money and he normally gives me cash, despite me earning almost double of what he makes! Even after all daycare and insurance is taken out of my check, I bring home his salary.
Many people have mentioned that they dont like the way he talks to me, he doesnt ask-- he commands, he's very demanding and has a temper. He will be upset at me if i wear make up, cut my hair, or wear something eh doesnt like. He is highly strung, obsessive and quite frankly if we didnt get married so soon, I probably would not be with him now.
I love him and have a very high tolerance level. In fact, compared to my mother, he is an angel, so this may be why I do put up with him. Many people would not be surprised if we did break up. He is against counselling, gets upset when I voice my opinion and is unfortunately selfish and immature. He says things like "you're being mean" when all I'm doing is trying to say no, and voice my opinion. This morning he poked me to wake me up telling me DD's diaper was wet and if i didnt change it she would pee through. I asked him to do it and he said no, i'm better at it and rolled over back to sleep. Its like this every day. I work, clean, cook, clean up, bath and feed, change her. I unfortunately do everything and then he comes home and tells me off for not closing the cabinet door DD left open, or leaving toliet seat up.
I'm no angel and when I am upset I do block him out and walk behind him. I am sad to admit I do not find him attractive anymore. I just cant have sex with him and enjoy it because I am disgusted by him and they way he treats me. I'm waiting for the 3rd time that he physicall hurts me, its 2/3 now. No blood drawn, but seriously, its not right!
I'm sorry this is long, I feel like purging myself. If anything i know we would have a "happy marriage" if i just shut up, agreed with him and did everything he said. But that goes against everything I know and believe in. I do tell him that he needs to stop and think because we have DD and how would he feel if she had a man talk to her and treat her in the way he treats me. His response is-- she wont and he wont let her be with someone like that., Then he's nice for a few days.
Even she at 2.5 will tell him to be nice to mommy and to "dont hurt mummy"! Its rediculous!
I am well educated (PhD), with a great job, live in a HCOL area, so well liked an respected, i have a lot going for me really, but I just want to make sure I have some money saved. I am a resident and so im not familar with all the rules etc.
It breaks my heart because he is a good daddy to her ie he plays with her when we are out, she lights up with him, but he can be non responsive at home.
Sorry this is long. I do have questions:
1) Is it possible to set up a bank account in my name and not have the statements or anything come to our house?
2) if you were in a similar situation-- aside from money-- what else should i think about.
any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Re: Hello
Can you go meet with a bank rep and ask about the address information? Do you have any family in the area? Maybe the will let you use their address or maybe you can set up a PO box and the bank will let you use that for mailing information.
You can get your direct deposit changed to another account and get online statements. Just use your parents or friends address as the main address if they don't mind. Personally I also think you need to find a women's domestic violence shelter. They have counseling and what he is doing to you is in no way a "happy marriage" it is verbal and emotional abuse. He is brainwashing you to think it is acceptable, but it's not.
GL and you can come to the board when you need advice
I am proud of you for doing the right thing. You are a smart woman, and leaving him is a smart thing to do. Although you said that he is good with your daughter, he is no doubt doing more harm than good by treating you the way he does in front of her.
I also have a Ph.D. and make decent money. I think that in the long run, things will be easier, financially at least, for you and me for that reason.
Do you know where you will move to, or will he move out? It looks better for custody fights for you to stay in the primary residence with your LO.
I think that the primary thing I would be thinking about if I were you is your physical safety. This man sounds as though he can be pretty dangerous. I would have everything set up in advance, e.g., an apartment, separate bank account, savings, consultation with lawyer. I would let other important people know that and when you will be telling him you are leaving. You may even be able to request that there be a police escort present, or you may get all of your stuff out while he is at work and let him know over the phone, and not tell him where you are staying.
By the time a child is 3 or 4 years old they have already formulated based on the predominate male role model the type of man they will marry. Is this the relationship you want for your daughter?
You did what I did, I didn't marry a man like my father I had a controlling mother, I married a man like my controlling mother. And not to totally throw my mother under the bus, she truely always had my best interests at heart I just was a very obedient child and wasn't allowed to make my own decisions. So when I got involved w/ a guy who took over decision making for me it seemed normal. He didn't have my best interests at heart.
Money is money you can always make more. You can set up a bank account with online statements. You should start making copies of all your joint accounts, tax records and employment documents (paystubs w2, health insurance) and store them all at a friend's house. You should also get your child's social security and birth records medical documents you keep immunizations records also store them offsite at a friend's house.
Photos take photos. I had to leave and I didn't take these I regret it but it was more important to get out.
Abuse happens to people in all social, economical and education statuses. It doesn't descriminate abuse happens to people in all races.
Call or go online to https://www.ndvh.org/ the national domestic violence hotline. They will help you create a safe escape plan. They will direct you to services in your area.
Oh you have a joint account go to the bank and take out all your deposits for the last few months.
AND put it in your bank account at a DIFFERENT BANK. you don't want some idiot bank employee linking them.
File for child support and have it taken out of his paycheck before he even sees it.
This is what I did. Except, I told him that I set up my own bank account because he knew I was upset.