Some musings and questions after my birth experience

WinesNotWhines

I feel kind of bad saying this, because I really really wanted a natural birth, but now that I've gone through it,  I'm honestly not sure if I'd choose to go natural with a second birth. Maybe I'm still too close to "the event" to be objective, but childbirth was seriously the most painful experience of my entire life, and I don't think I'm a wimp at all. I definitely think there are good reasons not to get an epidural during early labor, because it can slow things down, but once you're at 6 or 7 cm dilated, what are the advantages of going drug-free? I was seriously questioning my sanity during/after transition. I was in active labor for 10 hours, and I don't think I could've lasted any longer than I did. I give a lot of credit to women who go 20+ hours... I don't know how they do it.

It was helpful to be able to move around during labor and try different positions, and the only two positions that were tolerable to me were things I couldn't have done with an epi (standing and leaning over a birth ball on the bed, and being on all fours on the bed). Sitting down or laying down were excruciating and intolerable for me. But if I had an epi, I wouldn't have been in any pain, so laying down wouldn't have been a problem, right?

It was nice to be able to get up and walk around after the birth, but I had some tearing and was very sore, so it's not like I wanted to do a ton of walking anyway. Does an epi make pushing less effective? Is it more likely to lead to other interventions, even if you don't get one until you're fairly far along?

I'm not second guessing my birth plan at all, and I'm very glad that I experienced a natural birth, but these are the thoughts that were going through my head near the end of labor, when I was questioning my sanity.

armandos_girl

With my DS, I ended up getting an epi at 5 cm.  I had to be induced so I don't really know how natural contractions compare to pitocin induce ones.  All I know is that I was getting no break in between, and I wasn't allowed to get out of bed which made things really hard for me.

I do think pushing was harder.  Other than a slight twinge on my left side, I couldn't feel anything.  I couldn't even pick my legs up when I pushed.  I finally got the hang of it after 30 minutes or so with the help of a mirror.  I ended up needing help from the vacuum to get him out.  Again, I don't know if that was because of the epi or the fact that he was over 9 lbs.

I don't regret the way things happened with DS.  We knew going in that our plan had changed because of the induction and that we were going to have to be flexible.  But I want to do things differently this time, mostly so I can have those first few moments with my new baby, rather than him being whisked over to the warmer almost immediately to be checked out.

bandwife

Yes, getting an epi makes pushing less effective and yes, it leads to more interventions.

I agree, the intense pain of med-free childbirth was a shocker for me as well but it fades. Some friends were recently reminiscing about me calling them after having DS and I guess I said "it was like i was being ripped in half" about pushing him out (my pushing phase was very quick, four contractions). And yes, I still vaguely remember how intense that was but the stronger memories now are laboring in the night with my DH rubbing my back, the drug like high after DS came out, showering about an hour after DS was born with my sister just outside the curtain and we were already laughing and talking excitedly about DS and the whole experience, snuggling into bed with DH and DS a few hours after he was born, just the three of us. The good memories will outweigh the 'bad' or intense parts in the long run.

Totally normal to question going drug free during labor. I had a lot of thoughts about going to the hospital and getting drugs during my home birth. My SIL has had three med-free labors and while pregnant with the third said she was having lots of bad thoughts about the pain and was scared - even though she had already done it twice!

Awesome birth story and congratulations!

treala05

Congrats on your birth! I just wanted to respond to one of your questions where you pondered if those painful positions would have been painful with an epi.

If your epi worked well, then they probably would not be painful, but typically if you have an epi you're limited to positions that are not optimal for descent of the baby, making pushing longer or more difficult.

Also, you have to remember that epis don't always work well. Like in my case with DD, the epi only took one one side (even after a second insertion). Which is part of what has brought me here seeking a natural birth the second time around.

drakee

gtown_bride:

But if I had an epi, I wouldn't have been in any pain, so laying down wouldn't have been a problem, right?

There aren't any guarantees with epis.  One of the reasons I'm planning for a natural birth this time is because my epi failed me.  Not only did it not help with my back labor at all (which shouldn't have really been a surprise), but I could still feel my catheter the entire time.  

By not relying on an epi, I feel much better prepared this time.

treala05

drakee:

gtown_bride:

But if I had an epi, I wouldn't have been in any pain, so laying down wouldn't have been a problem, right?

There aren't any guarantees with epis.  One of the reasons I'm planning for a natural birth this time is because my epi failed me.  Not only did it not help with my back labor at all (which shouldn't have really been a surprise), but I could still feel my catheter the entire time.  

By not relying on an epi, I feel much better prepared this time.

This is exactly what I was getting at with my post If you go in planning on pain relief from an epi and don't get it, then you're kind of stuck! This time I'm going in with tons of other techniques to rely on and I feel much better prepared as well. 

aglenn

I am right there with you and am on the fence about what I'll do if/when there is a #2.  I really, really wanted a natural birth and really, really thought I would have one...because I have a pretty high pain tolerance, was well-prepared, and knew my mother had 3 natural births and fast labors.  Well, I was not so lucky.  I was in labor for 3 days and 3 nights (and yes, the first two were early labor but the contractions were painful and about every 10-15 minutes the entire time, so not a cakewalk by any means).  It was 26 hours from the time my water broke until DD was born.  I labored at home until my water broke, but was GBS+ so I had to go at that point and was pleased to find I was 5cm already.  I tried it all in the hospital as far as laboring positions, walking, birthing tub....the nurses were totally supportive and thought I'd have fast labor, but I got stalled at 7 cm for the entire night.  Literally, right there at transition for over 12 hours...it was not fun.  In the end they talked me into getting an epi and some pitocin and I agreed because I desperately wanted it to be over at that point.  I cried and cried about having to get the epi and was seriously disappointed.

However, in retrospect, I'm not so sure I wouldn't go that route next time.  I was able to sleep for the first time in days and get a little rest before the pushing started, and they let the epi wear off before I started pushing so I could feel what I was doing.  I only pushed for 30 minutes, had one small tear (with an 8-lb baby, too), and was on my feet and walking about an hour after DD was born.  DD was wide awake and looking around right after birth, able to BF right off the bat...so I struggle with the "why not?" questions now much more than I did before.

That is my reason for lurking on this board, because I'm still kind of undecided about what I'll do next time.  I think if labor went quickly, I'd probably try med-free; but otherwise, not so sure.  I guess my point is, I get where you're coming from and it's interesting to me that you're having the same questions when you actually DID go med-free. 

d.cubed

I have not gone through labor yet, so I don't have much to add in terms of personal experience.  

I just wanted to mention that there was an interesting anecdote in Birthing from Within about a mother who had a very positive memory of her child's birth and then watched the video...  She was completely traumatized!  The endorphins after the birth had completely dulled her memory of how hard it was.  She determined never to watch it again!  

nosoup4u

I say give it some time. Though I've read multiple places (no idea where) that it's better to aim/achieve med-free birth the first time, and then if one wants an epidural, do it with subsequent births, bc an epidural is less likely to stall labor in a non-first time labor.

I labored and pushed without meds, and ended up with a c-section. I have a lot more terrifying memories of the c-section than I do of labor (and I pushed for 4+ hours - DH has a much better memory of that portion than I do!). At this point, I'm prepared to attempt a med-free VBAC, but I know throughout the year after I had DS (and especially those first few months) I had points where even the idea of going through labor again seemed dumb. So I think your perspective really changes after awhile - the memories do fade.

randalin

Memories definitely fade. I remember that in the days and weeks after I gave birth I questioned why I put myself through a natural labour and delivery. I swore I would never give birth again - drugs or no drugs!

Now that it's three months later - I remember the birth of my son as the most incredible experience of my life. I'm actually looking forward to doing it again one day.

AshasaurusRex

I was right there with you after I gave birth. It was so incredibly painful, and was not the beautiful, peaceful, empowering experience I expected. I told my husband a few days afterward that I doubted I could ever do it again, but here I am a year later planning another natural birth! I just came to the conclusion that the reason I chose natural birth in the first place had nothing to do with how painful it is, my principles haven't changed, so neither will my birth method. This time however I will definitely be more prepaired by going through hypnobabies starting Sep. Don't worry, the feeling will fade!

J&N

I did not attempt to go med-free with DD.  I got the epidural after 8 hours of labor, when I was 5 cm.  Only after I got the epidural, she started having heart rate decels, and that continued occasionally throughout labor, and especially while pushing.  After pushing for 3 hours while numb, and a vacuum attempt, I got a c/s.  Her first apgar score was a 3.  I really believe that the epi and laying on my back might have caused these negative things.  This is all the motivation I need to try a natural birth next time.  You never know what will happen when the interventions begin. 

desmerelda317

Give yourself some time.  You might change your mind.  I remember our Bradley teachers telling us that the mix of hormones that surge through a woman's body post-partum cause her to forget the pain and see the birth as a joyful experience.  For some reason, I expected that to happen IMMEDIATELY!  Boy was I wrong.  Immediately afterwards I thought, "holy crap that was hard and I'm not sure I want to ever do it again."  A week later when I was still in pain from my 3rd degree tear I thought, "It hurt and was difficult, but I survived and I think I could do it again if I HAD to."  A month or two later I thought, "Childbirth was the most awesome, spiritual experience of my life and I would do it again without meds in a heartbeat!"  So yeah, the hormones work to give that amnesiac effect, it just takes some time

And as far as being comfortable on your back with the epi, it is true, you probably would have been more comfortable.  But just because it would have been comfy doesn't mean it would have been a good position to help your baby descend into the birth canal.  Laying on your back is one of the worst positions you can be in for labor because it forces your uterus to work against gravity and that can make your labor much longer.  Your body was making it intolerable to be on your back because your body knew that is not what it needed to move your baby along.

But, should you decide to get the epi next time, that's fine too.  The beauty of all of the choices is that we get to make the choice.

flyer23

I do think there are advantages to going drug-free even after you're well into labor. With my DD, laboring on my back was also excruciatingly painful, and I took that as my body telling me, "This is NOT the way to get this baby out." DD was 9 lbs 7 oz, and I don't know that I could have pushed her out if I were flat on my back with an epidural. It is only because I avoided the epidural that I was able to find the "right way" for me to labor and deliver my baby safely.

That said, I would not call either of my labors "the most painful experience of my entire life." Intense? Oh yes. Painful? No. DD's was tougher than DS's, but even still, the day after her birth, when a nurse asked me if I'd go natural again, I said, "In a heartbeat."

Here is an article about Grantly D!ck-Read, the obstetrician who initially coined the term "natural childbirth": https://tinyurl.com/27kxrg2

Despite being prepared for labor through education and relaxation tips, some women could not shake the fears associated with childbirth. Because of this, D!ck-Read understood and even believed that drugs were sometimes necessary for a woman to have a satisfying birth experience.

"Contrary to the view of some that natural childbirth equals stoicism, D!ck-Read believed that medication is a useful tool when there is pathology in the birth, or when the woman -- for whatever reason -- is unable to relax adequately to make her birth bearable," says Kathy Nesper, a certified childbirth educator and the president of Apple Tree Family Ministries. "He was, however, opposed to the routine use of medication or other interventions, preferring instead to prevent pain from occurring in the first place by the use of relaxation."

I thought that was an interesting perspective... basically, you should go in prepared to avoid pain medication and believe that you can do it, but if you're miserable, GET THE DRUGS and don't feel guilty. It's not the use of pain medication that's a problem, but the over-use.

shortstuff15

gtown_bride:

I feel kind of bad saying this, because I really really wanted a natural birth, but now that I've gone through it,  I'm honestly not sure if I'd choose to go natural with a second birth. Maybe I'm still too close to "the event" to be objective, but childbirth was seriously the most painful experience of my entire life, and I don't think I'm a wimp at all. I definitely think there are good reasons not to get an epidural during early labor, because it can slow things down, but once you're at 6 or 7 cm dilated, what are the advantages of going drug-free? I was seriously questioning my sanity during/after transition. I was in active labor for 10 hours, and I don't think I could've lasted any longer than I did. I give a lot of credit to women who go 20+ hours... I don't know how they do it.

It was helpful to be able to move around during labor and try different positions, and the only two positions that were tolerable to me were things I couldn't have done with an epi (standing and leaning over a birth ball on the bed, and being on all fours on the bed). Sitting down or laying down were excruciating and intolerable for me. But if I had an epi, I wouldn't have been in any pain, so laying down wouldn't have been a problem, right?

It was nice to be able to get up and walk around after the birth, but I had some tearing and was very sore, so it's not like I wanted to do a ton of walking anyway. Does an epi make pushing less effective? Is it more likely to lead to other interventions, even if you don't get one until you're fairly far along?

I'm not second guessing my birth plan at all, and I'm very glad that I experienced a natural birth, but these are the thoughts that were going through my head near the end of labor, when I was questioning my sanity.

I went into labour not saying anything about what I would and wouldn't do.  I wanted to try and go without an epi, but other pain-meds were never off the table.  I had 20+ hours of back labour (mostly at home where I was in the tub A LOT) before going to the hospital (I never had a desire to do home birth.... and never want to).  Then I tried laughing gas, which helped, and drops of sterilized water in my back, which hurt like a son of a gun going in but completely took away the pain, but neither of those gave me what I needed most... sleep. I had an epi because I could then sleep and gain some strength for pushing (this was my first).  I couldn't walk, but I didn't get a catheter until just before pushing (about 4 hours after getting the epi) and I was able to push in the kneeling position, on my side and, obviously, on my back.  I also showered about an hour after birth and would have been able to walk to my room, but my husband didn't want me to. I couldn't do the tub at the hospital because my hospital doesn't have a tub..... and it's the only hospital for 3 hours or so.....

Germanwife2b

I actually felt very similar to you imediately after the birth of my son.  I was soooo proud of myself and super happy I picked a homebirth, but in the same breath, I "knew" that this would be an only child for me because I did not want to go through that pain ever again!  Girl- the amnesia does kick in because not only am I longing for another child and planning another IVF soon, but I can't wait to have another natural homebirth again!!  I did it once...I had amazing reasons to do it the first time...and I want the same "best birth" for my second child. 

You should be proud of yourself and know that your thoughts and feelings could totally change in time :-)

bitsy_b

Give yourself some time.  I know right after my own (natural) labor I was adamant that I'd NEVER go through that hell again!  But now that my babe is 15 months, I'm actually looking forward to another natural labor -- it's such an incredible experience, and how amazing to be able to be present in the moment and not drugged up!  I'm sure all you can think about right now is the pain, but wait a few months and you'll probably just look back at the experience with pride : )

schnef1226

I agree with everyone else...just give yourself some time.  There's no need to worry about "next time" right now, just give yourself time to process what just happened to you.  It was a big deal!  I remember reliving the birthing experience in my mind (esp the pain part) over and over and it was so vivid that I was like there's no way in heck I am doing that again.  I'm due with #2 about 3 years from the day I gave birth to #1 and I am looking forward to doing it again.  I'm not sure at what point my brain went from "horribly painful, no way" to "it was great, let's do it again!" but it did happen. 

AutumnBride929

I haven't ready any of the replies yet so my apologies if this is repetitive.  The benefits to not getting an epidural beyond 6-7cm is that having the ability to labor in any position you wish helps to get the baby out!  My midwife told me that we just had to find my "magic position" to get LO to descend and get through my pelvis.  An epidural would confine you to your back (the LEAST optimal position) and likely result in some reason to end up with a c-section.

Also, pushing in a position other than on your back (the least natural position I could ever imagine to be in during the second stage), helps prevent severe tearing because you're likely to end up in a position that more evenly distributes the baby's pressure around your perineum.

Those are the two biggest reasons why I think epi-free is best but that's JMO.  I'll be honest with you; I actually DID say immediately after the birth, "I think I'll get the epidural next time," heh heh heh.  That was after a 16-hour labor and about two of those hours were spent on Pitocin.  But to tell you the truth, I would do it again.