Homebirthers - Unsupportive family members?

~adamwife~

We haven't talked a ton to our friends and family about our homebirth choice.  Our parents, siblings and closest friends are aware, but it isn't something that we talk about a lot.  If questions come up, I have been more than happy to answer them, but I don't bring up the topic.

My mother first expressed her concern a few weeks ago.  This is the same woman who told me I needed to see a "real OB" when I had a CNM deliver my first son in the hospital three years ago.  She didn't think a CNM would know how to deliver a baby - after all she's just a nurse...

Well, my mother attended that birth with my CNM and the next one and ended up comfortable with a midwife in a hospital setting.  But apparently the idea of doing it at home doesn't sit well with her, which I completely understand - it's not for everyone.  I let her borrow some videos and recommended some books to learn more about homebirth, hoping that she would educate herself before giving me more fear-based lectures.

Today she went off on me about it.  She told me I am irresponsible and that she is really worried about the decision.  The conversation spiraled out of control, to the point where I don't want to speak to her right now.  I feel like she has no respect for me after what she said.

I've decided that the topic is off limits from now on.  I'm not going to talk about it at all, even if someone brings it up, because it's none of their business.  I've also decided that anyone who is vocally unsupportive is not allowed in my home during labor or the birth. 

How do you handle situations like this?  I don't really know what else to do - I've given my mother resources to educate herself and she has yet to use them, so I feel like it's just a lost cause.

InfinityDreamer

Everything about my lifestyle upsets my family.  They couldn't believe I would deliver DS without pain meds, breastfeed for more than 6 weeks, co-sleep, cloth diaper, etc.  Everything I did was met with downright hostility.  When we decided to do a homebirth with a MW (DS was born in a hospital with an OB) they didn't have much to say.  I think they sorta decided years ago that I'm completely out of my mind and too stubborn to bother arguing with.  

DH's family has not been so wise.  They keep pressing about how its risky and theres a good chance I may die (DH's great-grandmother died in childbirth...but it was the 1890's!)  We've told them to watch The Business of Being Born, referred them to the WHO, etc. and though they still like to call and tell us "we're not really on board with this" we've just made it clear that we respect their concerns but we made this decision after extensively educating ourselves, and its not up for discussion. 

Unfortunately I think many of us who choose an alternative birth have to go through this.  If you've given her the resources to educate herself and shes chosen not to, theres little that you can do.  Hopefully she'll come around...if not, I don't think it would be out of line to stop talking to her until she can at least voice her opinion respectfully.

d.cubed

I'm having issues with my mom right now - not home birth related, but with her sudden desire to be overbearing now that I'm pregnant.  There's a book that I recommended that she read and we talk about.  Since she hasn't done that yet, certain topics are off limits until she does.  When she brings something up that is covered by the book, I just ask if she read the book yet.  When she says no, I then say, "Well, that's too bad.  I will not discuss this until you've read that book.  We'll have to talk about something else."  

I think that your mom needs a similar boundary defined - no home birth discussion until she reads at least one thing that you've recommended and wants to talk about it.  Otherwise, I think that you're right about it just being not open to discussion. 

It's all about boundaries...  Good luck! 

duncanpowers

You've done all you can do. You talked to her reasonably, allowed her to meet with your CNM, and gave her materials to read, and she obviously thinks she's got something to say about it after that. So, you set limits on the conversation, and that's what I would recommend. She is clearly not going to agree with you at this point and wants you to do what she wants, rather than seeing your side of it, and being your mom, she thinks she gets the final word. She doesn't, and you already realize that. So all you can do is make peace with it and try not to let it upset you too much.

pinksweetpea2

~adamwife~:

I've decided that the topic is off limits from now on.  I'm not going to talk about it at all, even if someone brings it up, because it's none of their business.  I've also decided that anyone who is vocally unsupportive is not allowed in my home during labor or the birth. 

I think you already know what to do.   

I basically decided if folks were not going to educate themselves, then they don't to even get to talk to me about it.  If they read the research/materials and then had a logical concern/question, I would talk to them.  Otherwise, they could STFU or not be involved. 

Kerianne1176

Ask your mom to watch a few things with you.  Show her The Business of Being Born....talk to her about how hospitals have changed since her days of pregnancy....find out what exactly she is afraid of and supply her with the answers to the questions that she has...because that is what is really behind her disapproval....it is not understanding fully....but communication is blocking your ability to break through.

Find out specifically what about home birth worries her....most likely you have done enough research to answer them.

My mom was initially unsupportive too.

She was worried about what happened in emergencies....so I told her

she was worried that I wouldnt be getting the same prenatal care ...so I took her to one of my visits....which was longer and far more thorough than any she had seen in the traditional setting.

She worried that a doctor wasn't going to be present...so I talked to her about who WOULD be present and what their skills and experience were.

All you are coming up against in her refusal to support is unanswered questions....find out what they are and answer them...and even if she is not 100% behind you in the end....I guarantee, she won't be as opposed.

GL!

MrsTiara

I'm super lucky that my mom is totally passive aggressive and doesn't say anything to me, I just hear about her concerns from her friends.  I'm also super lucky in that her best friend (my "fun mom") is relatively supportive and defends me to everyone be reminding them that a hundred years ago, everyone gave birth at home with a midwife.  In general, I don't discuss it with a ton of people, and certainly not with other moms (I get sick of hearing the "well, X, Y and Z went wrong with me and if I hadn't been in the hospital something REALLY bad might have happened").

So, I'm voting for just avoid the topic, it's nobody's business but yours anyway.

bandwife

MrsTiara:

In general, I don't discuss it with a ton of people, and certainly not with other moms (I get sick of hearing the "well, X, Y and Z went wrong with me and if I hadn't been in the hospital something REALLY bad might have happened").

So, I'm voting for just avoid the topic, it's nobody's business but yours anyway.

This.

LittleEgypt

For me it's the ILs that are the problem. MIL is a huge no-boundary worrywart, and SIL is a surgical resident (recent med school graduate = super orthodox). Since my options are basically c-section, homebirth, or drive across a bridge, into the city, in potentially crappy traffic to a hospital that might get me a VBAC, I'll probably be doing a homebirth.

They were pretty weird about using a midwife and birth center last time, so I plan to just tell them I'm using the same midwives (hopefully I can), or another midwife, and leave it at that. I guess if it comes up I will either lie or tell them, but really I don't plan to bring it up until it's time to plan for help with DS.

The part that bugs me the most is that MIL is the best person to be around for DS's support, and to take him out when he needs to be out. However, she's the last person that I want around me during labor, especially at home. She is wound tighter than a tick, and she's incredibly nosy.

pepomntpat

I think keeping the topic off limits is a good move.  There is not much else you can do. Some people cannot be convinced. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

drbethgoodman

You gotta tell your mom that you are an educated woman and you would never do anything to harm your child and that if you were not 100% confident in your decision then you obviously would not have a home birth!  She needs to support you or go away!!!  My family is less than supportive too, but I tell them I am a doctor and spent 8 years in college and I would never do anything harmful to my child.  They accept it or shut their mouths because knowledge is power and when it comes to MY child I am the most powerful person in the room!!! 

MissyOlivePants

Ummm...you're an adult.  You can make your own decisions (with your SO's support, I hope)...and it doesn't matter if you have anyone else's support. If they question you & what not, then don't discuss it with them. 

When I get pg again, I will be having a HBAC, and I don't care what anyone in our family or friends think...it's what DH & I have decided is best for us.  No one else has a say! Period.

SissyKate21

Kerianne1176:

Ask your mom to watch a few things with you.  Show her The Business of Being Born....talk to her about how hospitals have changed since her days of pregnancy....find out what exactly she is afraid of and supply her with the answers to the questions that she has...because that is what is really behind her disapproval....it is not understanding fully....but communication is blocking your ability to break through.

Find out specifically what about home birth worries her....most likely you have done enough research to answer them.

My mom was initially unsupportive too.

She was worried about what happened in emergencies....so I told her

she was worried that I wouldnt be getting the same prenatal care ...so I took her to one of my visits....which was longer and far more thorough than any she had seen in the traditional setting.

She worried that a doctor wasn't going to be present...so I talked to her about who WOULD be present and what their skills and experience were.

All you are coming up against in her refusal to support is unanswered questions....find out what they are and answer them...and even if she is not 100% behind you in the end....I guarantee, she won't be as opposed.

GL!

ITA. 

The reason I decided on a home birth was because of the information I researched. There are reasons upon reasons why it was best for us to have a home birth...and I offered those reasons for anyone who gave me the side-eye when they found out. 

But usually, I just kept it to myself. 

Answer her concerns - after all, she just wants you to be safe. Reassure her. 

If she continues after that, explain to her that her worries are not helping you but hurting you; and that you are not open to her negative attitude.

christina627

My mom wasn't very for it in the very beginning, but I shared research, showed her my MW's stats, and she looked up the stats of the OB I would have been seeing instead.  She was worried bc she had to have C-sections (her tailbone was fused and it was impossible for her to dialate past 3 cms...which she didn't know until she was stuck there with my sister).  She eventually met my MW in the last few weeks of my pregnancy (DH had to work and she was staying the weekend with me...I was past due.)  She also spent the night in the hospital with DH, MW, and I when I was to be induced and she was thrilled with how MW cared for our family. 

Other family members were not supportive...my grandmother even offered to let me (not DH) stay with her for a month so we could be closer to a hospital with better options for OBs. 

My mom was the labor coach for my aunt (her SIL) 3 months after my baby was born and used a bit of what she learned from my son's birth to help her...even though she had an epi.

longingtoholdher2010

This must be very upsetting for you. I don't know how you can help your mom open up her mind to the idea at all, but when DF and I fisrt talked about a home birth when we first found out I was pregnant he said absolutely NO but in the end of the 6th month I watched the Business Of Being Born and I absolutely knew that I could NOT have a hospital birth and I sat him down and he watched it as well and slowly started to realize hey these midwives are onto something here, and I am getting my home birth. You could try this with your mom and see if it helps any. I do agree though that anyone who is not emotionally supporting you through this decision shoud not be allowed at the labor or birth, they will actually inhibit your progress and can stall out your labor process, I just read about this in Ina Mays Guide to Child Birth. I really hope your family comes around to the idea and even if they don't, don't let them rob you of this amazing and beautiful experience.

Mrs. Sara Beth

My advice, really work on only surrounding yourself by positive people and if that means only your husband and midwife... so be it. It's your time right now, and I didn't want anyone at my birth... in fact, husbands family came in town to "be there" for the birth and i didn't have her until after they all left... making me 2.5 weeks late... I really think it was because I was extremely uncomfortable with and audience.

 

However, I'm sure its all out of concern for you and baby and she means well.... ish