If your stepchild had lice WWYD?

bebe11

Say your stepchild got lice, bm has no idea where it came from, however took all the steps to get rid of it before she sent the child to bf's house for the weekend, WWYD?

I ask this, because my DD got lice, the only plausable place could be when she went to the movies with my sister in law and her kids (her kids didn't have it, nor did any other kids my dd plays with).  So I went and spent a solid 2 hours getting her hair clean of everything, spent another 3 hours doing laundry and cleaning the house to make sure ther were none, anywhere! 

So I tell my exhusband, he freaks, his girlfriend asks him to see if I can keep dd for the weekend (they have a 7 month old baby together), I say no because I had plans. 

I find out from DD today that, her dad had to sleep in her room with her, on the floor and the gf's older daughter slep in the bed with her mom (they were affraid they would get lice), they made my dd stay in the bedroom the whole time, they took seperate cars places (gf didn't want my dd in her car), basically treated my dd like she was contagious with swine flu or some other awful disease.  I know I would NEVER do this to my stepchildren, so in my eyes it is just not right, and I don't like my child being treated like this.  So, do I talk to her father about it or let it go?

My ex's gf will generally treat my daughter like crap, I think it is because my dd is a splitting image of me, and the gf, for some reason hates me.  I've only met this woman 2 times, and was very polite to her both times.  I don't even talk to my ex, except through email and we've always been respectful of each other.  So I don't get it.

taagent

There have been two occassions when BM was with her live-in boyfriend that his daughter came home from visiting with her mother and discovered she had lice.  Both times when BM figured out that the girl had lice SD was with us however the last time we were told that SD had been sleeping in this other girls bed (because there was a tv in there).  We checked SD but she didn't have it.  Did we freak out?  No, not even with DD being only about 6 weeks old.  We kept an eye on it but at that time SD was living with us and visiting BM on weekends.

Littlejen22

That's horrible.  My only thought is are you able to have a civilized conversation with him if you called him?  I just think that as an email you cannot have a conversation and it will likely be a vent with you complaining (rightfully so in my eyes) about the GF which will go no where.  But if you can talk you can tell him that your DD feels like she was treated like an outcast (assuming she felt that way), you can try to say it without being blatantly saying it is the GFs fault but try to point out that if there is something wrong with HIS DD that she needs to be made to feel better and not worse about it in her home...since his home is hers too.

noregrets217

Better than what my friends ex did to their children...Their daughter was three with gorgeous hair down to her behind and barely had lice and this woman shaved it!!!

rhoneelynn

That is terrible that she would treat your DD that way and that your ex would ok it too.  My SD had lice when we was younger.  I cant imagine having treated her that way.  I could see being frustrated if you hadnt taken care of it, but it sounds like you did everything.  Even if you hadnt, it is no reason to treat your DD that way!!

I would bring it up to your ex, because lice is something that could happen again (by nobodys fault).  There are outbreaks at school, daycares, etc all the time.  If she ever gets it again, I would hope they are educated enough to realize this is nobody's fault, especially not DD's.  Having lice and going through the treatments is hard enough, she doesnt need to feel punished for it as well!!!

FriskyPanda

Ugh, I hate lice.  My SKs did have lice.  Their mom treated them at home, we washed everything we could think of over here and I treated my hair (I have very thick hair and DH couldn't tell).

It really sucked because it came back a couple of times, but you do what you have to do.  Your ex's girlfriend sounds like a real peach.

Aubs13

Before DH and I were married, but were living together, he got a call from school that SD had lice.

We took her to our house (since BM wouldn't answer the phone) and did the first treatment for her head.  Then, I bagged up all pillows, stuffed animals, etc....like the directions on lice care said to do, and put them outside.  SD could still go anywhere she wanted in the house.  I bought Tea Tree Oil shampoo and conditioner, which is supposed to help "prevent lice" for me.  When it was time for SD to go back to BM's, they actually called me to come over to her house and do another treatment (I think you have to do them three days apart or something??)  I did that, but drew the line when BM asked me to start bagging the stuff that needed to be bagged.  I printed out directions from the internet instead and provided them to her.

The only thing we did different was to not have SD go into our friends houses.  We had dinner plans with friends one night, but explained the situation, and they understood. 

Granted, I don't have any children of my own, but I honestly hope I can say I wouldn't do what your ex did.  I look at my SD as our (DH and I) responsibility, and that takes work from both of us.  (As well as BM.)

Good luck.  Try the Tea Tree Oil, too!

10-4LilBuddy

That was unreasonable.  Kids get lice.  It happens.  Unfortunately, it happened to us several times because her Kindergarten class had an outbreak.  Her mom initially accused us of giving them to her, but when the school nurse issued orders to the whole class, she figured it out.

I bagged up her stuffed animals and stripped her bed and since we only get her EOW, we sprayed her bed too.  Her mom treated her at her house as well.  We even treated her at our house b/c it was at the 3 day or 1 week mark when you re-treat.  It's what you do as a parent. 

On the plus side, my sister (a pedicatrician) said it is the most popular and best socialized kids that tend to get lice because they are usually interacting the most with others.  Have to look for a positive somewhere.

SWmama

Despite the fact that I tease SS that if he comes over with head lice, we're all going to rock the bald look, he would be treated no differently. We would simply make accomadations, same as we do when he's sick.

If you have a decent relationship with your ex-husband, I would talk to him and tell him that your dd felt hurt and upset. Maybe even provide him with information on how to have normal family time when one of you has head lice?

FWIW, SS has been dealing with ringworm on and off this summer. The only thing we did differently (other than treat it) is let him know not to let DD touch it or rub it on her when they're playing together. DD has been ringworm-free.

CurlyQ284

My SD got lice when she was with us for the summer three years ago.  DHs cousin has an in-home daycare and one of the kids had lice off and on all the time (don't get me started!) so it was resistant to the treatment.  It SUCKED cause she had it all summer, we couldn't get rid of it.  The only thing we did differently (other than the constant cleaning/washing)  is buy seperate hair tools for SD to use and the kids weren't allowed in our bed (DHs call, he was grossed out, and he banned BOTH girls so one wasn't singled out).

I finally went the holistic route and put lavender oil in their shampoo and conditioner and put a few drops in the brush before brushing her hair.  They were completely gone within 3 days.

That sounds pretty harsh.  I won't lie, I was SUPER skeeved when SD got it but I wouldn't want her to feel estranged from the family because of it.

hesperfect

My step sons have had lice 6 times in the last month. We think it was coming from the daycare, BM sent them to on Wed. and Thurs. every week. We treated them for lice, but never treated them diffrent. I washed everything in my house and sprayed my car a dozen times at least. I treated everyone for lice, and called anyone we had been in contact with just in case.

If it happens alot lice can be treated by putting olive oil in the hair and putting a shower cap on for 20 minutes. This will get rid of lice that is resistant to treatment. The nurse told us this at the peds. office, and we have finally gotten rid of all of the lice.

I'm sorry your ex's gf is ignorant about things like this. I would be very angry, for my DD to be treat that way.

Ilumine

Document the whole thing. 

Then have a calm, concise conversation with your ExH - letting him know that if he allows his daughter to be treated in such a manner again, you will contact your lawyer to look at changes in the CO.

You DO NOT TREAT CHILDREN LIKE THEY ARE LEPERS (some StepParents seem to need to be reminded about that even here). 

 

J&A2008

CurlyQ284:

My SD got lice when she was with us for the summer three years ago.  DHs cousin has an in-home daycare and one of the kids had lice off and on all the time (don't get me started!) so it was resistant to the treatment.  It SUCKED cause she had it all summer, we couldn't get rid of it.  The only thing we did differently (other than the constant cleaning/washing)  is buy seperate hair tools for SD to use and the kids weren't allowed in our bed (DHs call, he was grossed out, and he banned BOTH girls so one wasn't singled out).

I finally went the holistic route and put lavender oil in their shampoo and conditioner and put a few drops in the brush before brushing her hair.  They were completely gone within 3 days.

That sounds pretty harsh.  I won't lie, I was SUPER skeeved when SD got it but I wouldn't want her to feel estranged from the family because of it.

Well, it kind of sounds like you had to know she was going to get it if you sent her to a daycare with a child who has a continual problem.

OP, yes, the gf's treatment sounds extreme.  I hope your daughter can forget that awful weekend and move on. 

Cmmc4848

First off I want to say that you sound someone very sane and I am jealous that I do not get to work with a mother like you.  My step daughter's mother did not even tell us when the children got scabies and blamed me when they got lice (twice).  I have never asked that they do not come into their home with us and have continued to treat their hair when they have come with lice (never complained to her although I do believe their is some complaining to do).   To be honest this is very difficult for me to manage emotionally because I cannot trust her and I have a child of my own that I also need to take care of. 

You asked so I guess I going to answer. . . 

First off it sounds like there is some misinformation regarding lice.  Lice is most likely spread through head to head contact.  It sounds like the precautions they were taking were not only isolating but not practical.  I would not treat a child like this.  As for lice removal,  it is a process vs a one shot deal.  This is unfortunate but true (i.e., combing through the hair every day, washing bedding, treating every member in the house, putting things in the dryer, one big clean up and then tons of little ones, etc). Everyone's head needs to be checked (including, mother's, father's, stepparents, and significant others, as well as any siblings).  With all of that said I do have to say that I can understand why they might feel uncomfortable and that I think you all should have tried to work something out (i.e., child's father spending time with child but child sleeping in the home, etc).  

In fairness it sounds like she had her hands full with a small child and told you she was unable to manage.  I know this is not what you want to hear.. . you probably feel that she is in a relationship with a man with a child and now needs to accept everything that comes with it.  To some degree you are right but in fairness there are going to be times when you don't want to expose your child to things her children catch too. She also needs to think about what is right for three children not just one.  She has small child and your child's lice is probably is too much for her to manage. In short you helped set up a bad situation.  I would speak to your ex about it but in the future think about what is best for everyone.  I know you probably don't think her feelings should be taken into account but that is part of divorce, people move on.  In general most stepmother's want to get along with everyone and care deeply about the children of their spouse.  I would think that looking back she is probably embarrassed by her behavior.  

joshsmandy

I would bring it up to her dad, that's just horrible that she treated your daughter like that! My step daughter gets Lice all the time at her moms house, we just treat her and everything else every time it's no big deal

alb2411

I'm sorry @Cmmc4848 but I think you are really reaching and overgeneralizing with your response. OP was upfront with her ex about their daughter's lice and he, as her father, should have been able to handle it and keep visitation as scheduled. Just because he and his girlfriend have other children to consider does not mean OP should change all her plans around to accommodate them. It's not like this was some super serious contagious disease that would harm the other children. It's lice. I don't know a person who hasn't had lice at least once in their life. Yes, it is inconvenient, but sometimes being a parent forces you to deal with inconvenient things. If the GF was so concerned with the situation, she could easily have taken her children to a hotel or a friend's place for the weekend. That would have been just as inconvenient for her as it would have been for OP to change her plans because her ex and his GF didn't feel like dealing with his kid. 

Plain and simple, how they treated that little girl is just wrong. She is his daughter and there are no excuses for treating her like a second class citizen. 

OP, Ilumine is wise and I agree with everything she said. Document every detail you can about this situation and explain very clearly to your ex that you cannot tolerate your daughter being treated in this manner. While I do think this is something best discussed in a conversational manner, it is wise to have some sort of paper trail that documents these issues, also. 

Cmmc4848

Maybe . . . Thank you for your polite feedback. I just feel that if someone feels uncomfortable it should be listened to .... But I don't feel that her child should have been treated like that. I also want to take this opportunity to apologize because upon reading over my answer I sounded rude. I did not mean to. I am sorry. I know I am feeling a bit raw from not being told about the scabies and being blamed for lice.

ldmessing

as soon as the GF asked for the visit to be changed, you should have known it would not be a good one for your child.  I personally would have, and have on many occasion, changed plans due to stuff like this.  intact families do it all the time , btw

Ilumine

ldmessing said:

as soon as the GF asked for the visit to be changed, you should have known it would not be a good one for your child.  I personally would have, and have on many occasion, changed plans due to stuff like this.  intact families do it all the time , btw

That is the wrong answer for two reasons. 

1) her father could have changed any/all of his/their plans just like an intact family would have.  When you have children, both of the parents have to..well you know parent. 

2) Lice is not a one-time deal.  Is the father supposed to get a "pass" for the next 2-4 weeks of his visitation just because HIS child caught some hard to kill bug?  Why is it up to the mother to have to deal with the hard stuff?  

Sure the StepMom gave clear warning that she was going to be a beeotch.  But a good parent would have dealt with it properly, not by banishing his child to her room for the weekend.  

We want to spare our children, but when a parent doesn't step up, we cannot and should not always hide their foibles from the kids, at least not when the kids are not in imminent danger.  The OP gave the BF an opportunity to do the RIGHT thing and he failed.  They BOTH know now.  And they BOTH can reassess the visitation/relationships and take ti from there. 

Ilumine

Oh and Bebe - whatever happened to this, since it is now 4 years later. 

CurlyQ284

J&A2008 said:

CurlyQ284:

My SD got lice when she was with us for the summer three years ago.  DHs cousin has an in-home daycare and one of the kids had lice off and on all the time (don't get me started!) so it was resistant to the treatment.  It SUCKED cause she had it all summer, we couldn't get rid of it.  The only thing we did differently (other than the constant cleaning/washing)  is buy seperate hair tools for SD to use and the kids weren't allowed in our bed (DHs call, he was grossed out, and he banned BOTH girls so one wasn't singled out).

I finally went the holistic route and put lavender oil in their shampoo and conditioner and put a few drops in the brush before brushing her hair.  They were completely gone within 3 days.

That sounds pretty harsh.  I won't lie, I was SUPER skeeved when SD got it but I wouldn't want her to feel estranged from the family because of it.

Well, it kind of sounds like you had to know she was going to get it if you sent her to a daycare with a child who has a continual problem.

OP, yes, the gf's treatment sounds extreme.  I hope your daughter can forget that awful weekend and move on. 

Even though this is an old thread, I wanted to clear my name lol. I didn't send her knowing about this kid. They came for a summer and were at cousins daycare for a week before SD got it. Then cousin was all "oh she probably got it from G. She ALWAYS has lice". And I flipped out on cousin for not telling us before.

Just wanted to make sure people don't think I'm purposefully infecting my SDs with lice!

Karma1969

Lice freaks me out.  You can't treat a child that way though. 

alb2411

Haha, I didn't even realize this was such an old post when I responded!