My husband hates me :(

jaybird44

I've been a miserable m/s, depressed person...getting nothing done and have an almost 2 year old... the problem is, I didn't get much done before either..I'm a slacker/procrastinator and suck at life... Now I'm feeling really nauseous 24/7 and taking care of a my 2 year old 24/7...and really can't get anything done...

The topic of being a sahm came up and he has never been one to think of it as that hard of a job...so I was defending it and then he said "I know it's not easy, you just use it as an excuse to not get anything else done"

Now I'm even more depressed about all of this...how am I going to be able to handle 2 kids...I suck at this! ?

?

?

reaustin18

Sorry you feel that way. It doesn't sound like your husband hates you. It sounds like you need to start seeing a therapist and working out your issues. Talking to someone else about your fears, problems, etc can be very healing. You might even want to start thinking about going on an anti-depressant. Zoloft is usually the anti-depressant OBs recommend the most. Seeking help with help you feel better and that will help everyone.

~adamwife~

Oh hun.  I know how you feel.  I suck at motherhood and wifehood right now too.  If it makes you feel better, I have a pile of laundry in my laundry room that is as tall as the washer, four baskets of clothes that need folded on the dining room table, I haven't cooked a real meal in over a week, there are dirty dishes in the sink, I haven't vacuumed in weeks and my children have been watching more TV than I care to admit to.

I don't even worry about it during the first tri.  My job right now is to get as much rest as possible and keep my little bean safe.  I use the moments where I feel halfway alive to do some dishes or play with my kids, but that's it.  My husband understands that during the first trimester, if it bothers him he needs to take care of it himself (which is what happened on Friday when he finally did some laundry). 

Focus right now on taking care of your babies.  Once the m/s goes away, you'll get that wonderful surge of energy in the second tri and get caught up with everything else.  In the meantime, do you have family that can help you out?

Beccaboo0713

If you are depressed then that is your problem, believe me I know.

I suffer from sever depression (not so much now that I have it under control), PSTD, and borderline personality disorder.

When I was at the peak of feeling depressed I couldn't do anything. I quit my job, I didn't clean the house, I didn't do my chores/errands. That topped with your exhaustion and your m/s makes for a bad situation. Maybe you should talk to a doctor about it. It wouldn't hurt.

Good luck hon, and know your DH doesn't hate you, he is probably just worried for you and upset because he doesn't know how to help you.  

awireman

I think my dh is getting there.  I am exhausted all the time.  I don't worry to much about what he thinks, it is my ds that is really  making me sad.  I want to go out and play with him but I am so exhausted and nausaus.  My dh doesn't understand because I never had this with ds.

jaybird44

Thanks everyone...so I am living overseas on top of it all so not near any friends and family to help out at all...thanks again for your comments.

lilbit923

Take on what you know you can deal with. Handle one day at a time, doing more than that will wear you into the ground.

I had ppdepression with DD and went to see a therapist. She sucked. I left feeling worse than when I got there. All I wanted was someone to talk to, to just hear me. I felt like I was drowning, losing me and it was horrible. I confided in my girlfriends and just took it one. day. at. a. time.

Sit down with your DH and explain how you feel inside and that you need help emotionally.

Lissa832

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling well, but you sound like a drama queen.

Pupa0809

Lissa832.....

You should exercise some caution when you decide to post messages that can be hurtful to persons already sensitive to certain subjects.  Depression is serious and can be life threatening and devastating to all involved.

angiebabe78

You are so hard on yourself!  You don't suck at life, you have a motivation problem, that is common with depression.  Get some help in the form of medication or couselling, and try to push yourself to do even small tasks.  Hoefully, your nausea passes soon.  You need to work on your self confidence, so you don't think that you suck!  Your husband needs to be a little more understanding, maybe trying to do just a little bit will make him be more supportive.  As someone who has struggled with depression in the past, and earlier in this pregnancy, trust me, you will start to feel better if you start going for short walks, or even sitting outside while your little one plays in the grass.  It is so hard to motivate yourself to do even a little bit when you feel this way, but if you can, it will help you feel better and more worthwhile.  You will take care of two kids because you have to!  If you work on yourself, you will a happier you, and a happier mom!  Good luck, it will get better!

BlushingBlonde

@Lissa832:  Please use discretion when posting comments such as this.  I am sure you didn't mean to be hurtful, but if someone is truly suffering from depression on top of the hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy comments such as this can really push someone over the edge.  Often it is easy for the person in question to beat themselves up enough on their own without hearing the same thoughts come out of someone else's mouth.

BlushingBlonde

You mean I am not the only one with a messy house, laundry stacked to the ceiling, and running to the bathroom I have yet to clean?!?! 

On a serious note, please please read this if you read nothing else:  If you are depressed or could potentially be depressed go to your doctor and explain to her how you are feeling.  Be sure to reiterate that you felt this way before.  Do not let her blow you off and chalk it up to first trimester blues!

I also suffer from depression and thankfully I do have it under control now.  This is my third pregnancy and I have two small ones at home so I do understand how trying it can be.  I of course do not know your views on medication in pregnancy, but for me, I am taking Zoloft in this pregnancy.  And yes I am planning to take it through the end of the pregnancy.  A cgain, For me, if I am not on the medication, I cannot love my children, my husband or myself.  I have tried to go off the medication before and it has almost cost me my marriage, and sadly my life.  Certainly my quality of life has suffered.  I am not in anyway projecting my challenges onto you, but please understand that if you are suffering from depression A) You can cry daily and things will not change, you can post things online and things will not change, you can exercise and things will not change, you can eat right and things will not change, you can make lists and vow to become perfect and things...will....not....change..... This doesn't have to last forever.  Once you are diagnosed with depression it doesn't mean you will always be "that mom".  Don't let the stigma hold you back!  C)  YOU are the only one who can help in the end.  My friends had no idea I was suffering in some of my darkest times.  I know how to play the game, but no one wins that way

Of course if you are not suffering from depression, please give yourself a break!  the first tri is unbelieably hard with another little one!  YOU CAN DO THIS!  Probably you are having a girl, at least for me this pregnancy is 100x harder and the previous two were boys :-)  Once you are able, put your son in a stoller and get some fresh air.  I also see that you are living over seas and my heart goes out to you.  I am also away from family (as in a whole ocean away) and those I need most.  What has made a world of difference has been joining a MOPs group here and meeting other moms who are in the same boat.  No one is meant to go through life alone, and husbands are made differently.  They cannot fulfil all our needs (just like we can't fulfil all theirs)  I know it isn't the way the fairy tale goes, but honey the fairy tale isn't true.  Take the cards you have been dealt, enlist the help of others, take a deep breath and know that you can do this!

erinygardner

Feeling like a slacker/ procrastinator?  Sucking at life?  Depression?  I've totally been there, and I wasn't even pregnant and nauseous all the time either.

Your husband doesn't hate you.  Whether he realizes it or not what he's feeling is frustration with your depression.  It sounds like you are also pretty frustrated with your depression, so thankfully you guys are on the same page.  You're just expressing it differently. 

This is what helped me get my life back on track.  Personally, I don't like being on medication for depression and I found that lifestyle changes worked well for me.  That is NOT something that works for everyone so if your depression gets really bad or if this isn't working go see a therapist and consider medical options.  

1. Take a shower,  get dressed and go outside every day.  Expose yourself to a lot of sunshine, keep curtains and blinds open in your house. 

2. Excercise.  Set small achievable goals for yourself.  At first plan activities that are really easy. (I'm going to walk for ten minutes three times this week, I'm going to swim two laps twice this week) Keep the schedule flexible.  The acchievment here is to get your self in the habit of doing at least some physical activity on a regular basis, not to kill yourself.  Once you feel comfortable with a routine, feel free to start stepping it up.  Got through a whole week on target?  Stepped a workout up to 15 minutes instead of 10?  Take pride in your accomplishments.

 3. Find one thing to do around the house that will make a big impact for you and your husband and do it.  Do the laundry or wash the dishes.  Focus and take pride in what you've accomplished, not on what you still need to do.  It's hard, but remeber big tasks are best tackled one step at a time.  Don't expect your husband to neccesarily feel the same way, he's going to have his own journey.

4. Sociallize with peers regurally.  The more the better.  Find a mommies group you can meet up with, or maybe an expats meet up.  Take a low stress class if you think you can handle it.  Humans are social people, it's completely normal to feel depressed when we're socially isolated (And yes hubby and child are great but no they don't count)

5. Try to eat healthy. At least 3 pieces of fruit or veggies a day.  The key is not to focus on denying yourself things but adding things that are good for you.  Don't worry if you had a donut for breakfast.  Have a carrot with your lunch. 

6. Every day set a side a time when you come up with three good things in your life and three things you like about yourself.  It can be really silly or very serious.  ( I have great eyebrows, I like my couch, I always read to my daughter before she goest to sleep).  If you want start a journal where you write your three things down every day.

 

I hope that helps.

shereeweaver

I'm going through the same thing, except this is our first child and my husband knows I'm just as responsible for supporting our family. Were both extremely excited for the baby, but also completely stressed. It's a terrible thing when both parents are depressed so just be happy it hasn't gotten that difficult. Most husband's don't think being a sahm is hard but this baby hasn't even been born yet and it's really difficult to deal with. Just remember men may be the head of the house but woman are the neck that keeps the head on the body.