How to compromise on number of kids?

silvermoon2386

My husband and I both come from families with 4 children each.

Both his sister and my sister each have only one child (very different ages), and we often see them trying to figure out how to play a 2 person game by themselves, or get a sad look on their faces when at the park and there's siblings playing together.

 Given how lonely our nephews seem to get, we know we don't want just one child. But, my husband, naturally, wants 4 children, since that's what's normal to him. I watched my parents try to keep 4 kids with very different interests entertained, and keep 4 very hot tempers under control, which very rarely worked. I have NO desire to have 4 kids.

I want 2 children. He wants 4. The obvious compromise is 3, but I say that's too many, he says it's not enough, and we both worry about middle-child syndrome. 

How do you work out a compromise on something like this?

DandelionMom

I'm not sure if you can compromise on something like that.  I'd suggest you both agree to forget about sticking to a particular number and instead wait until you're both ready to try for another child. 

penguingrrl

I think that you will find that answer in time.  Going by your ticker, it looks like you're pregnant with your first.  I wouldn't worry about settling on whether or not you want #3 or 4 until you see how you feel with 1!

DH and I both came from families with 3 and definitely want 3 as well, but didn't decide that for sure until recently.  I am a middle child and never had "middle child syndrome" so I wouldn't worry that every middle child would get that.

knmommy

DandelionMom:

I'm not sure if you can compromise on something like that.  I'd suggest you both agree to forget about sticking to a particular number and instead wait until you're both ready to try for another child. 

I could not have said this better!

mamarazzi

I wanted four, he wanted two.  I'm pregnant with our third.  After our second, we stopped talking about what "number" was perfect and decided we'd stop when we felt our family was complete.

We'll probably be done after this one, but we're not doing any permanent birth control for a few years.  I always swore I'd never have three (my dad is a middle child and has super huge hang-ups about it even now and I'm one of three and didn't love the dynamic either), but it feels "right" for us.  Four seems like SO many and we didn't feel done after two.

AngelaSue

We've never really put a number on how many kids we wanted. When we got married we both knew we wanted a large family. DH was an only child and I have one sister who is 18 months younger than me. We are now expecting #4, she is due in about 6 weeks, and most likely I'll be having my tubes tied during my c-section because this will be my 4th c-section and my doctor is strongly urging us to not have any more children due to possible complications, etc by having more c-sections. We have agreed that if we still don't feel our family is complete we'll look into adoption or even doing foster care.

andersonk03

penguingrrl:

I think that you will find that answer in time.  Going by your ticker, it looks like you're pregnant with your first.  I wouldn't worry about settling on whether or not you want #3 or 4 until you see how you feel with 1!

DH and I both came from families with 3 and definitely want 3 as well, but didn't decide that for sure until recently.  I am a middle child and never had "middle child syndrome" so I wouldn't worry that every middle child would get that.

THIS!  Thinking about having a baby and actually having a baby are 2 completely different things.  Definitely do not stress over this until you have at least gotten through the first year with your LO.  A baby changes so many things and your DH might change his mind when he sees just how his life will change.  There may be some things he has not thought about him having to give up or postpone.  Remind DH, the more kids you have the harder it could be to find babysitters for date nights, etc.  GL!

JOEBunny

I wanted 3 kids, DH wanted 1, we compromised on 2.  Oddly, when we married, DH wanted 3 kids and I wanted 1.  I think if one person really feels they can handle a certain number, then that needs to be the number and the other person needs to come to terms with that. 

Having two has been super hard on my DH.  He is not a little kids person.  Neither he nor I would trade my son for anything, but it has been much harder than we anticipated, in part because it was a compromise on my DH's part.  Compromise generally breeds resentment, so if we had not had DS, then I am sure I would have been resentful, so neither solution is perfect.  I do think that two is the right number for our family and I know that DH is glad to have a boy and a girl and that once DS can talk and do things, it will be easier.  It is really nice that they can play together. 

I am so with you on 4, no way could I do that.  

shouldbworkin

I agree that you need to see where you are when you get there.  I wouldn't not have 3 kids b/c of fears of middle child syndrome.  First, I think there are things you can do as a parent to make sure that doesn't happen in your family, if it even exists.  I'm a middle child and I think I turned out fine and I don't think my parents did the best job of making sure all of their kids got the attention they needed.  I think you can compromise on something like this as long as you're both happy in the end.  Maybe you have 3 or 4 but you stretch it out longer so that 2 are in school before #4 comes along or maybe you agree to it only if you can pay for help around the house so you aren't too over loaded.  But, I would just put it on the back burner for now.  No sense in arguing about it now.

zizigriga

Wait until the first one arrives, and when you are well in start thinking about it. Since you both definitely want at least 2, re-evaluate the idea again when you are well in with #2. My hubby and I had the same issue, only we could not agree on a number. He is an only child and I am 1 of three. He wanted lots of kids, I wanted an even number. Here was our deal: 2 kids, and if we have a #3 surprise, then we will plan on #4. After 4, snippage is involved:) And so it is! You will know what feels right and know when you are really truly "done". Your heart will be full and your family will feel complete.

silvermoon2386

Thank you ladies.   Impartial advice is hard to come by at home. All we get here is "Of course you're going to have a big family, it's only natural." and "You don't need multiple kids, just have one perfect baby like I did." The joys of "advice" from family.