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Blended Families
dalia1584
member
Help with my DH and his previous family
dalia1584
member
My Dh and I are expecting our first his 3rd in 10 weeks. We are very excited he has a 12dd and 15ds. We have them everyother weekend and it is a fight with his dd everytime. I am at my end I dont know what to do anymore I really want to be involved with these kids, they are in my life. DD does what she wants or will throw a fit until DH gives in and he does says it is easier.Which of course it is.Esp when he does enforce rules her BM comes and picks her up. I feel that I am always the one telling her no you cant have icecream Am I over reacting? I know I might be. All I can think about is we have no rules in this house that are gone by. I am terrified that when this baby comes I am going to always be the bad guy. Living like this is killing me. I never dreamed that a 12 year old would tell me how things were going to be in my house and do what ever she wants. I try to talk to dh about my concerns and he says i make to big of a deal out of it she is not hurting anything. And He and the BM may be ok with this life for their kids but i want more for my baby girl. Nutrition and meal times and bed times.Stability they were up until 2:30 this morning. fighting. I just dont know what to do I feel like everytime I say something I am just the nagging wife. Help!!!!!!!
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Re: Help with my DH and his previous family
First and foresmost, it is NOT his previous family. They are and always will be his family.
Wells, you should have thought about that before you got married and KU'd by someone whose parenting style (or lack there of) you don't agree with. You are in for a loooooong road, and I doubt that you are going to see any changes.
He isn't a parent, which is clear if he lets them stay up until 2:30 in the morning fighting.
I suggest that you get youselves into counseling, stat. Why do I jump to that conclusion? Because your H needs to hear from someone other than you that he needs to find his balls and be a father instead of being a lazyass. He clearly doesn't care what your concerns are, or how this is effecting you, maybe he will understand the situation better if it is talked about in a controlled environment with a a third party.
But why in the world would you choose this life for yourself if you saw the way he "parents" his kids.
His previous family?! Really? Lady - this is his current family....there's nothing previous about it. That attitude might be part of the problem.
I'm assuming the kids and your DH didn't just start acting like this after you got pregnant. They were out of control before that, right? Why did you assume your DH would change his parenting just because you are having a baby? My advice? Don't try to parent his kids. He's in charge of their nutrition, bed-times - all of it. You are not going to be able to force your DH to change.
Does he have a CO for scheduled visitation? If so, she can't just come get them bc the twelve yo has a bug up her azz. Sorry, nope. She does not get that kind of control, and if he allows it then shame on him. He needs to learn to be structured before he can pass it on to the kids.
Does he have a CO for CS? Does he plan on having it adjusted when the new kid pops out? If not, then it won't affect her income. And if he does not have a CO for CS I highly suggest that he gets one, STAT! This will protect all involved.
As for counseling, I would say to him that you are having issues communicating effectively with each other and that a couselor can help sort through those issues. Make it sound really positive and don't make it about the kids.
In the end though, I would prepare yourself for this being your future. I doubt he will change. Clearly I am being a pessimist, but it rarely happens.
As far as the 12 yo, she sounds completely normal. Tweens are learning what they can get away with and push their boundaries. BUT, you and DH really need to have a heart to heart.
My DH and I are often at odds over how to treat/talk to my kids. I find it hard to take his criticism at times, no all the time. They are my kids! But when he focuses on how it makes him feel when they talk to him in a certain way, I can see his point of view better. It also helps when we are able to discuss this when they are not around and the feelings aren't as intense.
Good luck!
Wowee. Well, DSD (14yo) lives with us (permanently now for the past three weeks) and I'll have to say that DH doesn't put up with back-talk, etc from either child (DSS is 8 yo). It is SO important to have DH have your back. Hopefully he understands where you're coming from and will get a grip on SD before your DD is born. If my DH weren't as strict as he is, I would never dream of having a child with him. I can't judge your situation b/c there are a lot of details which I'm sure are not included in your posts. I know what you meant about "previous family" and won't pick that apart but he needs to step up to the plate...you two are supposed to be a team. My DH and I are both in the military but he is gone seven days of the month overnight and they know (even after a few weeks) that I am in charge when he's not there so what I say goes and, while it's an adjustment period, they listen for the most part. Hope DH backs you up soon, it could be a constant battle if he doesn't. GL!