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Staying in a marriage for the kids?
Would you ever do it? Or just stay long enough so that you were financially stable and able to support your children on your own, or with the help of friends/family.
Our miracle IVF baby - D 6/09 & J - Surprise! born 9/10!!!
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Re: Staying in a marriage for the kids?
I don't know what I would do. It would depend on the circumstances of the break-up.
Personally, my dad strayed from his marriage with my mom and she stayed in the marriage for my brother and I. I had no idea what was going on when it happened (I was around 7-8ish), but now I think that was a very courageous decision to make. They went to a lot of counseling and we went through a lot as a family, but they're very happy now. My dad is a changed person and they are a happy couple. Married for 40 years!
I think this pretty much. If we were able to get along well but just weren't 'in love' anymore I might stick it out till I was financially able to swing it comfortably on my own and the kids were a little older so it was easier to explain to them.
Otherwise, I'd leave and just make it work. Kids deserve a healthy home.
If we'd just fallen out of love I'd at least want to try counseling before I left.
If vows were broken I'd either kick him out immediately or stay just long enough to get things together financially.
Kids are better off in a happy home even if it's just w/ 1 parent. Not to mention that it's more likely to be easier to co-parent if you make a clean break before things get nasty.
I'm going to presume that you're asking this in reference to yourself, and say that I'm very sorry.
That being said, my cousin had parents who "lost" their marriage years before she was born. They just "divorced" a year ago, she/daughter is 22.
She's one hot mess. She knew the entire time. She has faith in NOTHING.
You/this person deserves more.
I'm pretty much with this. I am very anit-stay married for the kids. I was so happy when my mom divorced my dad. My mom waited until I was old enough to pick where I wanted to live b/c she knew my dad would try to take me (and he tried but it did not work) just to hurt her. If I were to every get divorced I (we both) will be able to look dd in the face and tell her we tried everything we could to stay married before we decided to divorce. Everybody is different though, my dad is just a f'ed up person and my mom did everything she could do including living in her own helll for years all to make sure I was not taken from her (huge mama's girl, still am:) ).
THIS!
My mom stayed with my dad for a long time for us kids despite him being an @ss! It wasn't good for any of us.
ETA: I would of course try to work things out, everyone has hard times in a marraige, but I sort of assume that is a given and what you were asking was more about being sure it was over already.
No, I wouldn't. Following up on DaveZ I grew up in that household. My parents have a mutual dependency on each other, but they don't have a good and healthy relationship. They "love" each other, but they haven't been in love for a very long time. They stayed together for me and my sister. I knew it, and I resent that they made this decision. As a result I had little faith in the institution of marriage, and it took me a long time to realize that people can have a good marriage: I just wasn't exposed to the right role models in that regard. I wouldn't want to put my sons through growing up that way.
With that said, I would try counseling, and do my best effort to get my relationship on track, but no, I wouldn't do it for the kids.
In addition, I feel that I, too, deserve to be happy, and loved, and respected. 20 years is a long time to live without those factors.
I hope this isn't a decision you are faced with.
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I would quote many of the previous posters.
My parents stayed together for the kids. They stayed together because they were co-dependent. We did not see a happy marriage. We saw fighting, disrespect, unfaithfulness, and hate. I caught my dad many times messing around on the computer and having virtual affairs starting at the age of 15. My grandmother told my mom many times that no one would want her with 4 kids and to just stay. I remember when I was around 10 and they said they were going to get a divorce. All of us kids lost it. We cried and cried, fell at their feet and said please no. They listened to the us. It happened again in high school, same thing. We didn't know any better at the time. My dad finally left when I was 21, after 25.5 years of marriage. I told him the day he left that I wish he had left when I was 2 because I would've seen a better example of a father and a marriage. And we would've had a better relationship. All 4 of us have been through lots of counseling and I'm sure will continue as my youngest 2 brothers have problems with respect towards women. With all that said....who knows how it would've been any different or turned out had my parents divorced and went through relationships before they found the "right" one. Who knows if the cycle would've continued and we'd seen the same things.
I too hope this isn't something you have to decide.
Kudos to your parents. This is an ideal, and I wish more relationships could be saved because both parties were really committed to fixing things. That said, many, probably most, aren't.
I think I would do what I could. I'm not one to throw something away because something goes wrong, but it has to be mutual. Many relationships can't be fixed because one party isn't really in it. In that case, I agree with the PPs who said they would stay to get on their feet if things were amiable. Otherwise, I'd leave. Kids handle splits wonderfully when they're really little. It gets harder the older they get.
I hope you're not facing this decision.
Chiming in late, but my parents also divorced when I was in my early 20s (after 29 years of marriage) and it was beyond rough. Divorce is no easier on adult children - it completely made me question everything I remembered about my childhood. I would replay memories, wondering if they were real or just pretend.
I knew my parents had "lost" the marriage years before, but it was still a horrible time. It was even rougher on my younger sister who was still living at home and in high school during those "lost" years.
My father cheated on my mother (with my step mother) and my mom wanted to stay in the marriage to keep the family together. My dad got my step mom pregnant and left. I was younger than 2. My brothers weren't. They were 5 and 7, and both remember feeling like they had to take over and be the head of the household because my father left. Both have serious issues because of this.
That being said, now knowing the kind of person my father is, him leaving was the best possible situation we could have been in. We would have been subjected to a view of how a marriage should never be. Luckily, we grew up with two good examples of good marriages - his and eventually, my mother's (to my step father).
I am also in the boat of I would never ever stay with my husband "for the kids" should something end our relationship. It doesn't matter if we can co-parent smoothly, it's only fair for the children to grow up and see a functional relationship. Trust me, kids know when something isn't the way it should be, even if it looks pretty from the outside.
I really don't know what I would do. I am pretty sure that I would put up with more and deal with more b/c of kids than if we didn't have kids. I also doubt I would divorce due to falling out of love, unless there were other issues. I would not stay married if there was fighting, etc. I want my kids to grow up in the healthiest household available and I think that would have to be reevaluated continually if a situation like this came up. However, this is what I say now when I am not in that situation. In all reality, I don't know what I would do.
I really hope that you aren't dealing with rough times in your marriage. If so, I am thinking about you and hoping that you are doing okay. Good luck.
This is an interesting question to me. Before I had Garrison I was adamant that I would NEVER do that and parents who did were idiots.....this is because my parents had a VERY turbulent relationship and reconciled even after my brother and I (at 11 and 12 years old) told them we didn't want them to. Not sure they would say they did it for us-- and I still hold firm that a relationship as dysfunctional as my parents should have ended-- it taught us so many unhealthy relationship skills/perspectives.
But now when I look at G and think about not being able to be in her life 100% (if we were to split that would happen one way or the other)-- I can't bear it. Yes, there is a lot of selfishness in that, but some of it is about her not having both of us. Of course, I'm coming at it from the perspective of actually being in a loving, happy, healthy relationship right now....I guess if I wasn't that might make it easier to decide that she is better off with 2 part time *healthy* parents than 2 full time parents that were not healthy.
Guess that's my long way of saying, I don't think I can really answer that question until I'm in the situation (and hope I never am). As I re-read the question, it almost sounds like you are asking about knowing you need to leave but staying for financial reasons.....and I would NOT do that. If I made the decision to leave, I'll live a different lifestyle and find a way to make it work.
This is so commendable and I love hearing that people worked on their marriage and it really DID work. Good for your parents!
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life