To all of my TTCALers who are looking in to adoption...

dandyelle

Someone asked me a question today that at first I was a little put off, but maybe I shouldn't be?

They asked, "If you get pregnant during the process, are you going to follow through and still adopt?" To DH and me, this is something we are really set on doing. It's true we didn't consider it at first, but now that we have committed to it, we feel like it's going to be a part of our lives no matter what.

Has anyone ever asked any of you that? How did you feel about it?

Scout05

No one has come right out and asked me that, although the implication has been made that one we have a "real" baby, we won't need to go through with it.

M and I want more than one child - we would love four, although that is clearly a pipe dream at this point.

We are 100% committed to adopting to grow our family.

If we were successful in a pregnancy, I could see wanting to try for one more, maybe. Maybe.

But we plan to adopt at least once. I would not be surprised to flash forward and found out we had adopted more than that, if we are really lucky.

mindyschaller

I totally agree with Ambrandau2! Dh and I decided if we were going to to seriously consider adoption, it would be a completely seperate decision than whether to TTC or not. It wouldn't be some sort of consolation prize, you know what i mean? I can't believe people have the balls to come out and ask stuff like that

Pixiestx

I know you are asking about people considering adoption, but from an outsider, if I knew someone who was considering it I might ask that question and not mean anything by it. It might be hard to have 2 babies at once, it might be too much financially for some to have 2 at once if both parents will go back to work, etc. so I might ask if you would put off adoption for a later date and space out your children if it were to happen that way. It's not really any different than asking anyone what kind of age difference they want/need for their kids, to me at least. I do know of someone who got pg while in the process and they stopped the adoption process b/c she had such bad m/s she could barely function.

KristysRedBarn

We would like a second child, so we would keep going forward with adoption regardless.

ColindaP

Pixiestx:

I know you are asking about people considering adoption, but from an outsider, if I knew someone who was considering it I might ask that question and not mean anything by it. It might be hard to have 2 babies at once, it might be too much financially for some to have 2 at once if both parents will go back to work, etc. so I might ask if you would put off adoption for a later date and space out your children if it were to happen that way. It's not really any different than asking anyone what kind of age difference they want/need for their kids, to me at least. I do know of someone who got pg while in the process and they stopped the adoption process b/c she had such bad m/s she could barely function.

I would echo Pixie's thoughts on this. They may not necessarily be implying that you wouldn't adopt *ever* if you got pg, but just wondering what you would do if you did indeed get pg, and if those plans would change to space the kids out a bit more.

Cissi64

Dandyelle,

  You don't know me but I used to be a regular poster here.  I have been on a bump break but lurk to check up on peopel I still care about.  I feel like Ihad to repond to your post.

   My three oldest chidlren were adopted from foster care.  Oldest DD and DS came at 19 mos and 9 mos in 1996 and youngest DS  at 12 days in 1997.  It took until 1999 to get through all  the process for many reasons I won't go into.  As DH and I were leaving one of the preliminary meeting about scheduling the court date for finalization, etc., one of the  social workers asked us what we would do if we were able to conceive in the future.... kind of implying we would "give the kids back".  She also asked about how we would feel if oldest DD brought home a "black boy" to date ( she is biracial and ldest DS..her half brother, is half Mexican).  When I pointed out that we had already commited  3 1/2 years to them and that if we had a problem with race we wouldn't have taken them in the first place she admitted that her grandchildren were biracial and she "had  a problem with it at first".

   In July of 2005, I gave birth to our only biological child that has survived past 9 weeks gestation.  Some  people congratulated us on "having our own child."...as if our adopted children didn't count.

People will say stupid things...even people who are trained and should know better.  You have to be prepared to gently educate them in positive adoption language and defend your children ( regardless of how they arrived).   I do think it is something you need to consider in the event you do have a situtation like PP described where you couldn't deal with MS or 2 infants at the same time.  I know some agencies won't let you adopt if you are PG wanting you to have adequate time to adjust to  each new addition regardless of the age of the adopted child.  Most will let you put your file "on hold' until your baby is 1 year.  I don't know how this works with DCFS.  We never asked while we were foster parents because we thought we could never get PG without major medical intervention. I wish you and every one here Good Luck in whatever direction you take!

 

Scout05

ColindaP:

Pixiestx:

I know you are asking about people considering adoption, but from an outsider, if I knew someone who was considering it I might ask that question and not mean anything by it. It might be hard to have 2 babies at once, it might be too much financially for some to have 2 at once if both parents will go back to work, etc. so I might ask if you would put off adoption for a later date and space out your children if it were to happen that way. It's not really any different than asking anyone what kind of age difference they want/need for their kids, to me at least. I do know of someone who got pg while in the process and they stopped the adoption process b/c she had such bad m/s she could barely function.

I would echo Pixie's thoughts on this. They may not necessarily be implying that you wouldn't adopt *ever* if you got pg, but just wondering what you would do if you did indeed get pg, and if those plans would change to space the kids out a bit more.

Yeah, but it's like asking someone "so, do you guys have kids?"

It's an innocent and natural enough question that is going to sting under these circumstances. And since you can't know the sensitivity of the person, and how that question is going to come off, you are better just wishing someone luck and giving them a hug.

If that makes sense.

ColindaP

ambrandau2:

Yeah, but it's like asking someone "so, do you guys have kids?"

It's an innocent and natural enough question that is going to sting under these circumstances. And since you can't know the sensitivity of the person, and how that question is going to come off, you are better just wishing someone luck and giving them a hug.

If that makes sense.

Well, it would depend on who the question is coming from I guess. I was working under the assumption that someone close enough to know, at this early stage, that she is considering adoption would also be someone with whom a conversation like this would not be nosy or disrespectful. My assumption was it's someone she knows well and has personal conversations with, not an acquaintance.

Scout05

ColindaP:

ambrandau2:

Yeah, but it's like asking someone "so, do you guys have kids?"

It's an innocent and natural enough question that is going to sting under these circumstances. And since you can't know the sensitivity of the person, and how that question is going to come off, you are better just wishing someone luck and giving them a hug.

If that makes sense.

Well, it would depend on who the question is coming from I guess. I was working under the assumption that someone close enough to know, at this early stage, that she is considering adoption would also be someone with whom a conversation like this would not be nosy or disrespectful. My assumption was it's someone she knows well and has personal conversations with, not an acquaintance.

No, I know.

I'm not saying it's the same person who would ask if you have kids. I'm saying it is akin to that kind of question.

An innocent one that can pack a lot of hidden meaning.

dandyelle

Cissi64:

Dandyelle,

  You don't know me but I used to be a regular poster here.  I have been on a bump break but lurk to check up on peopel I still care about.  I feel like Ihad to repond to your post.

   My three oldest chidlren were adopted from foster care.  Oldest DD and DS came at 19 mos and 9 mos in 1996 and youngest DS  at 12 days in 1997.  It took until 1999 to get through all  the process for many reasons I won't go into.  As DH and I were leaving one of the preliminary meeting about scheduling the court date for finalization, etc., one of the  social workers asked us what we would do if we were able to conceive in the future.... kind of implying we would "give the kids back".  She also asked about how we would feel if oldest DD brought home a "black boy" to date ( she is biracial and ldest DS..her half brother, is half Mexican).  When I pointed out that we had already commited  3 1/2 years to them and that if we had a problem with race we wouldn't have taken them in the first place she admitted that her grandchildren were biracial and she "had  a problem with it at first".

   In July of 2005, I gave birth to our only biological child that has survived past 9 weeks gestation.  Some  people congratulated us on "having our own child."...as if our adopted children didn't count.

People will say stupid things...even people who are trained and should know better.  You have to be prepared to gently educate them in positive adoption language and defend your children ( regardless of how they arrived).   I do think it is something you need to consider in the event you do have a situtation like PP described where you couldn't deal with MS or 2 infants at the same time.  I know some agencies won't let you adopt if you are PG wanting you to have adequate time to adjust to  each new addition regardless of the age of the adopted child.  Most will let you put your file "on hold' until your baby is 1 year.  I don't know how this works with DCFS.  We never asked while we were foster parents because we thought we could never get PG without major medical intervention. I wish you and every one here Good Luck in whatever direction you take!

 

 

Your story makes me so excited I have goosebumps! We are also adopting through DCFS. We haven't even had the home study yet, and I am already protective of our little boy, who has not even been matched to us yet. It's important to me that he feels all the love and wonderment of having a family that loves him.

I am ready for all the weird comments... But sometimes I can be too sensitive and look too far into things.

Thank you for your story and advice- it's really nice to hear it from someone who has been there. I hope you continue to lurk, and even post if you want. We can all use the encouragement!

Cissi64

dandyelle:

Cissi64:

Dandyelle,

  You don't know me but I used to be a regular poster here.  I have been on a bump break but lurk to check up on peopel I still care about.  I feel like Ihad to repond to your post.

   My three oldest chidlren were adopted from foster care.  Oldest DD and DS came at 19 mos and 9 mos in 1996 and youngest DS  at 12 days in 1997.  It took until 1999 to get through all  the process for many reasons I won't go into.  As DH and I were leaving one of the preliminary meeting about scheduling the court date for finalization, etc., one of the  social workers asked us what we would do if we were able to conceive in the future.... kind of implying we would "give the kids back".  She also asked about how we would feel if oldest DD brought home a "black boy" to date ( she is biracial and ldest DS..her half brother, is half Mexican).  When I pointed out that we had already commited  3 1/2 years to them and that if we had a problem with race we wouldn't have taken them in the first place she admitted that her grandchildren were biracial and she "had  a problem with it at first".

   In July of 2005, I gave birth to our only biological child that has survived past 9 weeks gestation.  Some  people congratulated us on "having our own child."...as if our adopted children didn't count.

People will say stupid things...even people who are trained and should know better.  You have to be prepared to gently educate them in positive adoption language and defend your children ( regardless of how they arrived).   I do think it is something you need to consider in the event you do have a situtation like PP described where you couldn't deal with MS or 2 infants at the same time.  I know some agencies won't let you adopt if you are PG wanting you to have adequate time to adjust to  each new addition regardless of the age of the adopted child.  Most will let you put your file "on hold' until your baby is 1 year.  I don't know how this works with DCFS.  We never asked while we were foster parents because we thought we could never get PG without major medical intervention. I wish you and every one here Good Luck in whatever direction you take!

 

 

Your story makes me so excited I have goosebumps! We are also adopting through DCFS. We haven't even had the home study yet, and I am already protective of our little boy, who has not even been matched to us yet. It's important to me that he feels all the love and wonderment of having a family that loves him.

I am ready for all the weird comments... But sometimes I can be too sensitive and look too far into things.

Thank you for your story and advice- it's really nice to hear it from someone who has been there. I hope you continue to lurk, and even post if you want. We can all use the encouragement!

Glad to be of some help!  Despite what people say, adopting isn't the "easy way" but it is very rewarding....especially when the child/children in question would have had a questionable future if you hadn't made them part of you family.  When it comes to your children and their "right" to belong or the feeling you have for them, it is hard to be too sensitive. 

swanck

As DH and I were talking about it, I felt like I had to be either 100% committed to adoption, or not at all.  I guess I just felt like it was hypocritical to 'want' and adopted child when I couldn't have my own, but not want them when I could.  Kwim?

To me, if we stopped pursing adoption because we had our 'own' kids  (I hate that term) it would imply to me that adopted kid was somehow less than.

I did ask the adoption specialist on the phone if TTC and adopting would be a problem, and she said not at all.  She said that a LOT of couples do this, and they are very open to families pursuing both.

 

butterfly843

If I was asked I would tell them we are pursuing both because we would like to have a couple children.