? - Leaving your LO w/ someone else overnight
randalin
member
My IL's have started to ask us about watching Kale overnight and since I'm definitely not ready for that, it's not going to happen anytime soon. However, thinking to the future - I'm wondering how this might actually go over.
We originally thought that my MIL would watch Kale when I went back to work, but then we came to really embrace attachment parenting and it works so well for us. Unfortunately, my IL's just don't get it - they're constantly on us about putting him down more, putting him in the crib, giving him formula at night, etc. We've tried to explain our parenting style a thousand times, but they just don't seem to accept it. As a result, we've changed our child care plans so that my partner will take time off work when I go back. So we avoided a potential situation there...
I guess after all this babble what I really want to know is - when were you comfortable leaving your LO with someone else overnight? If you bedshare, how was this handled? Do those who watch your LO accept your parenting style and try to incorporate aspects of it?
Thanks ladies!
Re: ? - Leaving your LO w/ someone else overnight
I'm not yet comfortable with an overnight visit for DD with anyone.
Now, my mom watches DD for a few hours in the afternoon twice a week and she does so great there and my mom pretty much understands/accepts how we parent DD. So, I know that when DD is older then I would feel better if she stayed overnight there.
For now though, both DH & I prefer to be at home w/ DD (we are by nature "homebodies"). Plus, we bed-share...so, I think any overnight visits will wait for us until DD is transitioned into a toddler or regular bed. Hopefully when she is 2-ish.
I still wouldn't be comfortable leaving her overnight-- she still wakes up often enough for a night feeding that I want to be there to nurse. Plus, since I work, bedtime is our mommy-baby time.
What your ILs are saying doesn't make sense. Why do they want an overnight visit? If they want the baby to sleep in the crib and stay quiet all night, what does it matter if he's doing it in their home or in your home? If they want to actually spend time with him, daytime visits are much better.
Keep saying no. Tell them it will be no fun for them. Tell them he's had a few cranky nights recently and you don't want a crying baby to wake them up all night. Tell them he's much more fun during the day. Tell them you miss your baby while you work. Maybe even offer to stay overnight with all 3 of you (if you can do it!). You're the mother here, and you're perfectly ok to say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable. GL!
Everything is so exciting when you're one!
The first night my daughter was alone overnight without DH or myself was just before she turned 2. Both DH and I had to travel for work on the same day and my parents stayed with her at our house. The second time was when DH and I went to the hospital at midnight because I was in labor. :-) DD didn't know we weren't there until morning and the two nights we were at the hospital my parents stayed with her again. By this time she was sleeping all night in her crib.
The first time my son will be alone overnight without either parent will probably be in September - he'll be 17 months. I'm hoping either my parents or DH's parents can stay with the kids at our house. DS sleeps in his crib, although we bedshare if he wakes up overnight. But I'm assuming that if he wakes while others are watching him they'll find a way to settle him back into his crib. Hopefully. ;-)
Someday, both of my kids will get the opportunity to spend the night at a grandparent's house without a parent there. If the grandparents lived closer, my 3 1/2 yo DD probably would have done it already. But since they are 6 hours and 2 hours away, it won't be happening for a few more years.
I'm admittedly more wary about my ILs watching the kids because they are more prone to yelling in frustration, but other than letting the kids eat too much crap they wouldn't waver from our instructions in how to take care of the kids. And my MIL would honestly be happy to rock or cuddle them to sleep, so I'm not worried about CIO or any of my 'dealbreakers'.
We didn't leave DD overnight until she was a couple months over 2 years old. At that point she was done BF-ing and mostly STTN in her own big girl bed. Up until then I was not comfortable leaving her with anyone other than DH overnight cause I didn't want to "subject" anyone to the nighttime parenting routine that we were going through (multiple wakeups, musical beds, night nursing). She self weaned right around her 2nd bday and magically started STTN when we transitioned her out of the crib. The only thing required to get her to sleep is to lay down with her (it's a double bed) and my parents were more than happy to do that as it's usually a pretty good nap for all!
We weren't being pressured into the overnight thing though as all the potential caregivers were well aware of her nighttime requirements.
I anticipate being ready sometime this coming year, but there's no big rush. M's started to STTN on occasion and will go down w/out nursing, but I'd like for him to be more consistent. I'd also like him to have a little stronger language skills so he understands or will be learning what it means when I say I'm going bye-bye for the night and when grandma explains we'll be back soon.
As far as necessity, I don't see us needing to do it for some time. We are homebodies, I SAH and both of us needing an overnight away is not our style. However, if any of the grandparents were to visit or we would be visiting them and wanted to do it, I'd probably let them. Even if I think my mother (and MIL) overidealizes the bonding experience of watching him overnight, it means a lot to her and as long as it won't be a total disaster I'd be game.
That said, at 2 months, heck no! At 4 months, I left M with grandma and grandpa maybe 15-30 mins at a time. They were rarely disappointed when we came back. The idea of watching a baby is often greater than the reality of the responsibility. . . especially one that doesn't snuggle and sleep all the time like they had envisioned. 30 minutes of semi-happy awake time gave them enough of a taste of the energy M requires.
We first left DS with my parents overnight when he was 2 and a half months old. It was for a wedding that we knew about a year in advance. I was nervous at the time, but it was really fine. And we have left him overnight I think 3 times since then, which were also just fine.
My parents watch DS during the week and are very onboard with our parenting (not letting him cry, attending to him quickly, etc.) so I feel completely comfortable. I don't think I'd feel that way if I knew they were against what we were doing though.
ETA: Wow, I feel like I might get some comments for this since the average age is 18+ months. And in case you're wondering, yes I still BF, so I just pack up all my pump stuff and plan the nights away around when and where I can pump.
My mom cares for my 2 year old DS at our house while DH and I work, he's still nursing (including night time wake ups), and we bedshare most of the night. She was super eager for an overnight from early on and I just flat out said no. I only agreed to it a few weeks before his 2nd bday because I needed it -- I had to do an overnight prep for a medical procedure and I couldn't have him in the house with me. He is a light sleeper and would have been up all night wanting mama and standing at the bathroom door. No thank you.
Instead we prepped for a week in advance about spending the night at gramma's. What he'd do (walk her dog, water her plants), and when we'd see him (the next day), etc. He was happy to go, happy to be there and okay on return, though a bit needy. I didn't pump while he was away and all was fine.
We did another overnight last week and he was even better. He enjoys it, my mom loves the company (he's so sweet with her and she thinks he's hysterical) so it is a win-win for us.