MIL concerns and venting (sorry, it's long)...

mommyhoo

To give you some background information, my MIL is a very selfish, loud, rude person.  She's also horribly tacky and tasteless.  When DH and I found out we were pregnant with DS, we put a copy of the ultrasound pic in a Mother's Day card and brought it with us when we went to visit (we live in VA, they live in FL).  I was about 7.5 weeks along when we went down there and wasn't ready for anyone other than our parents and siblings to know about it.  When she opened the card and saw the picture (where I had written "Baby X due 1/14/07, 6w5d along), we actually had to explain to her what it was (she's also not the brightest bulb in the box).  After her jumping up and down, etc, we said "please DO NOT TELL ANYONE until we say it's OK because I do have a bigger risk of miscarriage than most women".  I walked to the back of the house to use the bathroom and I hear her loud obnoxious voice booming from the den "Guess what!?  I'm going to be a Grandma!"  She called her best friend immediately, even though I asked her not to tell a single person and then tried to cover her ass by saying "well, I just HAD to tell X".  Hmm....SO NOT ACCEPTABLE!! Then, about 6 months into the pregnancy, the ILs came to visit and DH asked when they were planning on visiting after baby was born.  They said a week or so after.  Well, the pediatric office we had chosen specifically told me that because the baby was likely to be delivered early (due to back injury) and that since we would be in the middle of RSV season, the baby really needed to be at least 4 - 6 weeks old before we received visitors who were coming by plane because of the risk of bringing a myriad of illnesses in from the circulating air.  She threw an absolute fit after hearing DH say we needed them to wait until he was about 5 weeks old unless they planned on driving because that's what the pediatrician recommended for our situation.  She said horrible things to DH's uncles and aunts about me trying to keep her from the baby and some of his family members still treat me kind of awfully because of it. This time, we aren't planning on telling them until later on because I don't want people to know until I have reached the same point as last time when my miscarriage risk was down to about 1%.  Now I am afraid that she's going to throw another fit because we didn't tell her as early as we did last time.  DH doesn't stand up for me very well because in his mind, it's best to just let her think what she wants and not worry about it.  The truth is, I don't' HATE the woman or anything, I just don't get along with her well and neither does DH for more than a day or so. We have nothing in common, so I find it hard to be myself around her.  I know there are definitely worse MILs out there, so I feel pretty lucky that she's not as crazy as some. I'd like to have a good relationship with her but she makes it nearly impossible.  I am a terrible faker/liar, so I can't even pretend I agree with her or like the same things to keep the peace.  If anyone has any suggestions for how to get along with her better, please feel free to share!  Thanks for listening....

myst33

Ugh, I'm sorry. She does sound difficult (and a bit like my mom).  Don't feel guilty about not telling her right away.  Your sanity is more important that her feelings.

OscarQ

She sounds like a real peach.  Sorry, I would just count my lucky stars that she lives so far away.  My FIL is the peach in DH's family and luckily they live three hours away.  

After the fiasco that was last Christmas at DH's family DH told me that I no longer need to attend the holidays anymore  - so it's nice having a DH who sees the crazy in his family.  Sounds like your DH does too - he just has the buffer of even more distance so why rock the boat.

My opinion on ILs is that it is lovely if you get along with them and fine if you don't as long as you can be civil.  I keep visits short and sweet - and allow myself alone time when they visit us.

Good luck! 

Jessicaanne_1@yahoo.com

I am going to be honest. I know this board is full of puppies and rainbows. You sound really selfish. Your mad at your MIL for being so excited she had to tell her best friend she was going to be a grandmother? Why didn't you just keep your pregnancy to yourself until you were in you second trimester? Did you make your parents wait 5 weeks before they came and saw your baby? My dad and siblings would think I had lost my mind if I told them its RSV season stay away for more than a month. My sister cooking and cleaning saved my butt last time, and probably will again this time. I needed to rest and couldn't have been more grateful to have help around the house.

My suggestion is to chill out and let her enjoy her grandkids.

jessababe85

I completely understand where you are coming from!  My MIL is really hard to get along with too and blabbed our news before she was supposed to as well.  Just try and hang in there!  Remember YOU are the mother and YOU get to decide what's best for your baby and your family.  Don't let her walk all over you, stand your ground and be strong!  Ignore what Jessicaanne said about "being selfish" and needing to "chill out", you are totally right for feeling like you do!

filecheetah

I can totally understand as well.  My IL's haven't been talking to us lately bc of a fight we had with my SIL and it has actually been so relaxing.  I feel horrible for admitting that but they can be hard to handle.

Bottom line is it is YOUR child and you decide the schedule, who sees it, when, etc.  If anyone is mad at you for wanting to protect your LO from getting sick then that is their problem.

mommyhoo

It wasn't the fact that she wanted to tell her best friend that pissed me off, it was the fact that she didn't even bother to say "I know you don't want me to tell anyone, but I was wondering if just my friend X would be OK".Had she asked me, it wouldn't have bothered me.  No, my parents didn't have to wait 5 weeks but they live HERE.  They were not getting on a plane with a bunch of germ ridden people breathing in the same recycled germy air for 2 hours. However, if they DID live as far away, my mother would have respected what the doctor said and hopped in her car without another complaint. And I never said they COULDN'T come before that.  We said if they wanted to drive, they were more than welcome to come earlier.  As a first-time mother, why wouldn't I have taken to heart what the doc said to protect MY child? They knew that the reason had nothing to do with trying to keep them from seeing him and that is why it really irritates me that she would say derogatory things about me to other family members.  It was uncalled for. 

PinkLove-S

It's your life not hers. Don't let her guilt trips work. She sounds like an asshat.

elizabeth&james

Yeah, she sounds like a huge handful. I'm sorry it's stressing you out already to think about telling her. For me, this time, I think DH and I are focusing on what is best for US- even though right now that means keeping this to ourselves for a few more weeks. I have been tempted to share a number of times- but once you put it out there to anyone, even someone you trust, it is no longer in your control what happens w/ that info- as you found out before... so for now, we have so little control over this pg- this is the tiny bit of control I can have to preserve my sanity. I dont' think you should feel bad about not telling until you are ready.

As far as dealing w/ her long term, I think it's impt for you to keep trying but it's even more impt to try to come to some place of understanding and agreement with your DH. She is secondary- what you really need is for him to be on the same page with you. Of course it is easier for him to just accept her the way she is and defend her/make excuses b/c that is the path of least resistance- it sounds like if he stood up to her, she'd throw a fit...  but you two are a team and now you have to help him think of you as a couple first and foremost. GL! I don't envy your situation. Super sticky!

marathonkate

Ugggh, totally know what you're going through. (And, as someone who gets sick every time she flies for work, I COMPLETELY understand not wanting to have guests who were airborne at the house. Can't believe someone would make you feel guilty for following doctor's recommendation, etc.)

It was explained to my FIL repeatedly that we were only telling parents until the 12-week mark. FIL went behind our back and told a few aunts/uncles (some of whom we have delicate relationships with, based on FIL's and BIL's behavior at family events -- not ours. But because we are the ones responsible for bringing them around, we get looped into it). He also told DH's best friend! So wierd -- and random. And of course, DH's best friend told like half the town. Great.

 Anyhoo, we didn't find out that FIL had told the Aunt/Uncles until MONTHS afterward, when we got semi-angry calls and letters asking why we hadn't bothered to share our good news yet. Well, maybe because I had a M/C at 11 weeks!! Thanks for the heads up, FIL! 

I even had to deal with a package in the mail (a parenting book), at what would have been the 6 month mark. Talk about an emotional day.

Anyhoo, luckily DH backs me up. Said I don't even have to tell FIL ever if I don't want to this time around. Don't think I could be that cruel, but he will definitely be the LAST person to know. Oy vey.