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South Florida Babies
My research project: only children
Okay, if you know me in person, you know dh wants Nadia to be an only child. As much as I want her to have a sibling, I totally understand his point- that being said- I am not convinced! I have 2 sisters, so I've got no clue what it would be like to be an only child myself. So who's an only child? Benefits? Love it? Hate it? I'm not looking for anyone to tell me why siblings are great- I already know that part. I'm trying to learn about the other side.
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Re: My research project: only children
I wasn't technically an only child, but my sister is 5 years older and was never around, so I kinda was. I got a lot of attention from my parents, I had a lot of "me" time, didn't have to share my toys or clothes, had my own bedroom, etc...
My cousin is 2 years younger than I am and I grew up wtih him, he was like my brother. we told each other everything, hung out on weekends, spent nights at each others houses, etc. We're still close! I think that even if they don't have siblings, they still find someone to relate to and connect with and they're not "lonely" like most people think.
they're going to be BEST friends!! Like i said, I'm 2 years older than my cousin and we were sooo close!!
Technically, I'm not an only child- well the only child to my mother and father but they both split when I was one and re-married. I have half-brothers/half-sisters but they are 10 years younger (or more) than me so I felt as if I was an only child up until 10. Honestly, I really liked it and even now I don't have much of a relationship with my brothers/sisters since the age gap is so much. I never felt like I was missing out on anything growing up and call me selfish but I loved the attention I recieved.
We are not sure if we are having another. DD may be an only child or she may have a brother or sister but two is our absolute limit. I don't feel I need to give her a sibling or that I need to have another to "help us" or lessen the burden when she is older (and we are old). I know that is some of the reasons people have kids and I think you should have kids because you truly want them.
That said DD is wonderful and is such a good kid. I know we are lucky and I'm not sure if we want to increase the chaos a child in general causes. It is such an emotional and financial committment that we are on the fence.
hugs! i hope that when your sis has her baby he will see how special the bond is!
I'm an only child and wouldn't trade it for the world. When I was little, i wanted a sibling, but I think that's a normal thing for kids to say. My parents only wanted one child, so it was by choice on their part. I also have cousins who I'm very close with even though there is an age difference. I'm the oldest, the next one is 8 years younger, then 16 years younger. But even with that, we were very close, especially with the one who I'm closest in age to. Plus I have a very close extended family so I never felt "alone". far from it as a matter of fact!
The benefits to me of not having siblings are the opportunities that I had. I have traveled extensively with my parents from a young age. The first time I went to Europe I was 14 and I've gone back numerous times since then. Plus lots of travel in this country. I learned so much from doing that, more than i did in books. Also, they took me a lot of times to their social functions - art gallery openings, etc so I met and interacted with adults and could act appropriately in that situation.
Maybe if I didn't have such a close network of family close by I would have felt differently, like I was missing something, but I don't.
I would be happy with Alexis being an only child, DH wants another one, so we'll see.
I don't have any personal experience since I have an older brother, DH has 4 siblings and all of my cousins have at least 1 sibling. However, I was always very observant of my students' families. The biggest benefit I always noticed with the only children was that their parents could focus all of their attention and efforts on them. They weren't necessarily spoiled; they just had more attention. They seemed to have a closer bond with their parents because their parents could have deep, meaningful conversations with them and, of course, they never lacked help when it came to studying, projects, and home work. I was so curious about one particular student that was an only child that I had a conversation with him and his family about it once and they seemed perfectly happy. The parents were both very career-driven, but they were very family-oriented, too. They seemed to be able to find a balance since they only had one child and, of course, he was one of those model students that always succeeded at everything. He didn't particularly care for siblings b/c he had a lot of neighborhood friends to hang out with after school. Seeing them together made me consider having an only child. I really admired their family dynamic. But there's something about DH's crazy family with all those siblings that, no matter how much they fight, when I see them altogether it really makes me want to have a big family.
Just to add: My brother is 8 years older than me, so I had a similar experience to what Leanna described because my parents were pretty much done raising him when I was growing up. I was also closer to my cousins who were only a few years younger than me.
I just wanted to add that circumstances are completely different for every single child. Many tell me, "oh you must've been so spoiled and love it." Um no not at all. I had a mother working 2 jobs to keep a roof over our head. What I had, I was grateful for but much less than all my friends ever had. What really sucked was to even play a board game was almost impossible unless a neighbor came over. These are the times that you really acknowledge how wonderful it is to have a sibling. Then again if you have 2 parents that share wonderful experiences with their child and are financially able to provide time and entertainment, then life I'm sure would seem pretty grand.
Another thing that was a great help growing up, was that I was always involved in church activities from being a baby till adulthood. Youth group activities, outings, camp, car washes, etc. gave me the opportunity to be with a group of kids my age that my mother always felt comfortable with. I managed to keep myself busy and had fun along the way.
I am an only child and am happy that I grew up that way. WHile I was kind of spoiled I am not selfish or think that I am entitled to anything that I do not work for. My parents were able to give me many things I never would have gotten had I had any siblings - private high school education, a college education with no loans, help with a down payment on my first house (that was the money that was saved for a wedding that I never had).....I had privacy and learned how to do things on my own - i never had to fight for attention or my place in the family - I was their one and only.
The only thing that is hard now is that becasue I do not have any siblings (one step brother from my moms marriage but we never lived together or were ever "family" to each other) is that should something happen to either set of my parents (my dad is remarried, she didnt have kids and they never had kids together) or my mom and step father I am the only one to take care of it - I have no one to help if they get sick (or worse) or any of that. And I live 1500 miles away from them. But I wouldnt change it for anything.
My husband and I are having #2 in october and I would probably ony have wanted one except he isalso and only child...and becasue we both are only children there are no cousins or aunts and uncles so I feel my soneeds some family besides us (and his grandparents of course).
DH is an only child and his stance is very similar to JessnJorge's. He said he would never make a child of his an only child if he had the choice. He also didn't have any close cousins, so that may have made a difference. I have a close sibling, but I also have lots of close first cousins who were LIKE siblings, so even if I didn't have my brother, I think my "only child" experience would have been better than DHs.
The pros are what other people have already mentioned - DH is my ILs' entire world, which is a good thing but can also be negative in some ways. I feel like a lot of pressure is/was on him to make them happy and proud because he's all they have. But I'm sure that, growing up, having a set of parents so focused on you brought a lot of good things. They were extremely involved in his education and all his activities and he never had to share their time or focus with anyone else. Financially speaking, my ILs make a very modest living, so they were able to do things for DH (like send him to private school) that they wouldn't have done if he had a sibling, and I know he's extremely grateful for that.
Another benefit is that his friends play a HUGE roll in his life - more important than a lot of my friends play in mine. I have my brother plus all of my first cousins (who again, are like siblings), so while my friends are incredibly important to me, to DH it takes on a whole other level. As an adult, he has given himself a family by treating his friends like brothers/cousins (and they treat him the same way back), and I think it's great that he's been able to create those bonds that would probably be weaker if he had siblings or cousins to fall back on and fill that void.
Ultimately, though, DH really hates that he doesn't have a sibling. His parents made a great effort to give him a great childhood, and he did have a good one, but ultimately there's only so many sleep overs and play dates you can have that will never really compensate for the fact that you don't have a peer during family time. It's not the same to just interact with your parents as it is to have someone on your level to interact with too. DH can be a very closed-off, quiet person and he blames a lot of that on the fact that he was somewhat lonely as a kid (although I know some only children are huge extroverts, so I guess that's on a case-by-case basis). Actually, it seems in general like whether someone enjoys being an only child or not has a lot to do with their personality, but that's something you won't really know about Nadia until she's older, so it's not like you can factor that into your decision now.
Anyway - if I were in your shoes, I think my decision would come down to what my extended family and circle of friends looked like. If you think Nadia will always have plenty of cousins and family friends that are her age growing up around her so that she won't have to spend a lot of time alone, then maybe it's for the better if that's what your DH really wants.
I was an only child for 8yrs and it really wasn't so bad. I always wanted a sibling when I was little but all in all, I was alright as an only child. I had cousins that were close to my age and we were super close though. I love having a brother though (even if we are 8yrs apart and he's a bit immature for his age in my opinion), I wouldn't trade him for the world.
Time magazine just came out with an article about only children and the benefits of it, in case you're interested:)
DH is an only child and has always told me that he wants to give his child(ren) a sibling. He says that he wishes he had a brother or sister of his own. He was never close to his cousins growing up and considers his closest friends to be like family. He is the CENTER of his parent's lives, which has it's good and bad points like Jen stated above.
Have you always wanted to have more than 1 child? Was DH aware of this beforehand? I always wonder how you can love another child as much as your first, but everyone tells me that you do. They are different people with different personalities. I also believe that careers and financial position greatly affect how many children you decide to have (etc..paying for school, time to spend with them taking to after school sports and activites, etc...) Childhood is such a small portion of your life. It is time-consuming and "emotionally draining" but ultimately it is YOUR FAMILY
((HUGS)) I can only imagine how difficult a decision this must be. Dh only wants one more child, and I would like 2 more. I am constantly on the fence about it
A perk to having a stepson! LOL
It's a really tough decision to make!