this second loss has changed me...

writergirl5786

it's like this second loss has made me more, i don't want to say bitter...but kinda. it's made me more isolated, or something like that. i don't really know how to describe it. i just feel more shut off or something from the world.

i feel like i'm lurking...here, IRL, like i'm just looking in on my life.

 this loss happened super fast and it almost just felt like a fact--something that was just happening to me.

i guess i really don't know how to explain this feeling. but i have a feeling you ladies get it. thank you for understanding when i don't really have the words and for just being wonderful women who just get it, and i don't have to try and feel normal in front of you all. ((hugs))

bbhalphen

I do think I get what you mean.  I feel that way a lot.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  (((hugs)))

CarrieLeigh84

I am right there with you.

Honestly, I haven't cried very much over this loss. It's just made me miss Annaliese more, if that makes sense. Maybe because I had more time with the first pregnancy than this last one.

I also kind of feel defeated because, even though I've seen everything that you ladies have gone through, I was CONVINCED that I wouldn't have a second loss. Because, you know, I didn't have a history of early loss. I feel kind of FH-ish about this, minus the fertile part

I

eminbmore

::big hugs:: I get it.  The looking in at your own life thing... yeah, I get it.  I'm sorry you feel this way too   I feel so defeated and bitter and lost.

dondraandluis

That sounds a lot like how I felt after my 2nd loss so I can relate. I'm sorry you have to be going through this again (((HUGS)))

BeachCole

((HUGS)) I know how you feel, love. I'm definitely more bitter and disconnected after this last loss as well. I'm so sorry you're feeling like that, and you know I'm here for you anytime at all. Love you!

Court1

:::Big hugs hun:::

butterfly843

((hugs)) I know exactly how you feel. It really hit me hard because I felt so positive about this pregnancy I really thought it was the one. I was so nervous when I found out about my twin pregnancy. I always thought something would go wrong and when it did I knew my feeling was right. This time it was totally different we were making nursery plans right away and when I found out my levels weren't going up enough it hit me like a ton of bricks.

triple_sevens

I'm so sorry, dear. I've only had one loss, but I think I can understand what you mean. The waiting, the endless waiting, just drags me down. I feel like I'm on a treadmill often, watching everyone pass me by.

I pray we can all move back onto the sidewalk of life soon.

pepomntpat

{hugs}

Brady1*

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry sweetie

mlmtgg

I know exactly how you feel. after my first I was devastated, but still a bit hopeful and ready to charge on. After the second (which for me was pretty quick - within a few months) - I was devastated in a very different way. I felt as if the hope had been knocked out of me, and it took a lot longer just to return to feeling even partially emotionally normal.

big hugs love, and you know we are here for you.

JuJuBe3

I feel the same way - the 2nd one just knocked. me. down.

I cried and grieved after our 1st loss, but still had hope and really thought it wasn't going to happen again.  The 2nd one, I cried less, but felt more, if that makes any sense.  I started to question whether it would ever work out and just withdrew from everything.  I also was just more down altogether.  It took me longer to get back to feeling like me again.

I hope, with time, you can get back to feeling like yourself again.  Big hugs to you.  We know how you feel and are here for you.

 

AppleRidge

I definitely get it.  It's lonely in the bottom 1%.  Hugs...

jen629

I will be honest I didnt cry as much this time I guess because for me I feel like this will always be my "normal" if and when I get pregnant almost just like asking when will my miscarriage start ..isn't that an awful way to think?...So I get in honey we all get it and it is ok to feel bitter we love you! {{{HUGS}}}

babes12

When i experienced this last m/c after losing wyatt i honestly was pissed off!  there's no other way to describe it.  i felt like i worked so hard to get pg. again and then poof, it was gone and i hated the fact that i'd have to go through the whole TTC stuff again. 

honestly i don't ever even feel like i was pg. this last time bc it was over so fast. 

(((hugs)))

3ltlones

I was exactly the same way.  It makes sense I think.  I know when I had my loss in September I was(like Carrie said) more sad about Zoe than I was about the loss.  I thought had I not lost her, I wouldn't have had the chance to lose this pregnancy too.  So instead of bringing a baby home in a month, I had lost three.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I truly hope it gets easier. Hugs to you. 

HugginAngel

I was the same way with my second loss. I sunk into a nasty depression and DH and I lost alot of "friends" because I never wanted to go out or do anything. Give yourself the time you need. It's not one of those things "that gets easier with time or the more it happens" it just sucks and we all have to deal with it the way it works best for us.

:::HUGZ:::

rjl07

Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel.  Even though I was pregnant for just 2 days with my 2nd BFP I think it was more devastating.  I never thought it would happen again and I realized at that point something might actually be wrong with one of us and it wasn't just bad luck.  Now it's been over a year since that last BFP and hope is starting to fade for me.  This sucks.  ((hugs))

KristysRedBarn

Hugs.

celestej619

(((big hugs becca)))

OCIrishBruin

(((hugs))) honey.

Orchard27

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but I am also grateful for you posting this.  I have been going through much the same since my second loss and I didn't realize that I was normal in that until reading your post and the responses.  Thank you.

It all svcks so badly.

~hugs~

KMLP

I get what you mean and I feel that way a lot.  We are here to listen!

sweetgirl425

I completely understand everything you are saying!! I have been feeling the exact same way!!! 

I am so sorry you are having to go through this  and feel this way though and I hope it gets better for you soon!!!! (((((HUGS)))))

grr_aargh

I'm sorry.  I felt that way too.  My 2nd loss made me very sad while we were going through it (from diagnosis to miscarriage was 19 days).  After that, it just made me really, really, really angry.  The bitter didn't really peak until my January loss (#4).

It changes you in a fundamental way, IMO.  Just like a long TTC journey changes you, you know?