What made you finally decide you want a child?

maddyishere

I am almost 40 and still can't decide to have kids. We wanted them years ago but then time flew by and here we are and getting older.

Was there one moment or anything that made you decide to have a child?

 The only things holding me back are:

1.  Babies and toddlers are so cute, but then they grow up and I don't want to be tied down to tweens, teenagers, etc. and all the responsibility that comes with it.

 2.  Can't really stop working, so a stranger would have to raise the child and I might not like that when the time comes.

 3.  I still have many goals to pursue and a child wouldn't help matters.

Is there anything that struck you to decide YES we're going to actually do this??   Any regrets?  

 

 

MDBeachbride

I don't think you want a child.  It's ok - we'll gladly have them for you. 

 

Babies are harder than older kids.  Kinda like a puppy.  I knew when we got married kids were next.  10 years ago...I didn't care if I had them or not. Then met, married the right guy.  Just because you have a child does not mean your life ends.  Being a mom is the best job I've ever had. 

kinsalebride

I've always wanted kids my entire life, long before i met DH. And then falling in love made me want our own family even more. Yes, you are giving up certain things when you become a parent - but you are gaining things you'd never have if you didn't have them, IMO. And I work too and my oldest daughter is in daycare and she is more advanced verbally than most kids her age (drs, relatives and strangers all have told us this). To me it sounds like you have serious misgivings about having kids and have a lot to think over.

J9798

i understand where you are coming from...  career and work were always first for me.  i woke up one day and realized i had to make a decision. do we start trying before it's too late?  will you look back on your life and wish you had tried? it's a very personal decision and needs some soul searching.  i can't pinpoint one thing that made me realized i needed to do this.  it was just the right decision for me.

my biggest regret today is i should have started fertility treatment long ago as it might be too late for me (43) with my own eggs.  i'm currently going through IVF and my chances are slim.  

my advice to you is dig deep on whether you really want this. if so, don't wait.

CityPixie

You do want a child or you wouldn't be here.We also said we'd have kids "some day" but also have said..."well hmmm maybe not"  (typically after some hectic family event ...which we used to refer to as birth control)  We too have been very happy with our free time.  We have lived the cool, no-kid couplehood.  We live in the city, we restored an historic home, we have traveled to some great faraway places, we can go out to dinner whenever we want.  Our careers are well established.  When our parents started getting older I felt bad but we agreed we can't have children for them...WE have to live with the decision, the responsiblity, the worry, the chaos, the frustration, the diapers, the crying, the lack of sleep.   But I do regret not starting earlier in part because of them.  They are so great with their other grandchildren.  It might be too late.  Mostly it was the "it's now or never" feeling.  I always felt this IS part of life, this IS part of being a woman and an experience I shouldn't miss if I can help it.  So many woman say it is the best thing they ever did, afterall!  All along I havent' wanted to give up my cushy life but this year we just seemed to click.  It's time for a major shift and I'm finally OK with that.

rach2100

I agree with pp....I don't think you want a child.  It's ok - we'll gladly have them for you.   

Don't recall there being just one moment or one thing that assisted with my decision to have kids.  I guess the main factor was that I am in a loving, trusting relationship with an awesome guy and I happen to think that we'd both be great parents.  Maybe dealing with some losses along the way has strengthened my desire to be a mom...but I imagine it is all of those things mashed together.

Haribo1

CityPixie:

You do want a child or you wouldn't be here.We also said we'd have kids "some day" but also have said..."well hmmm maybe not"  (typically after some hectic family event ...which we used to refer to as birth control)  We too have been very happy with our free time.  We have lived the cool, no-kid couplehood.  We live in the city, we restored an historic home, we have traveled to some great faraway places, we can go out to dinner whenever we want.  Our careers are well established.  When our parents started getting older I felt bad but we agreed we can't have children for them...WE have to live with the decision, the responsiblity, the worry, the chaos, the frustration, the diapers, the crying, the lack of sleep.   But I do regret not starting earlier in part because of them.  They are so great with their other grandchildren.  It might be too late.  Mostly it was the "it's now or never" feeling.  I always felt this IS part of life, this IS part of being a woman and an experience I shouldn't miss if I can help it.  So many woman say it is the best thing they ever did, afterall!  All along I havent' wanted to give up my cushy life but this year we just seemed to click.  It's time for a major shift and I'm finally OK with that.

I really agree with this.  I did not always want children based on so many things I wanted to do for myself and with my DH.  I thought I was too selfish and wanted to focus on my career, travel, etc.  I enjoyed being a "DINK". However, after years (my whole life) of being adamant that I never wanted children, something in my mind and heart clicked.  DH and I began the discussions of having vs not having a child.  It was not an instant click for me. It was months of discussing, re-evaluating, and then suddenly, my heart opened.  GL to you both in your decision.  Try not to pressure yourselves into deciding immediately.  Personally, I think it would be very hard to have a child without knowing if you really want one (this is coming from someone without children so mothers may say it is different). 

*Chicken*

I agree with others that say it doesn't seem you want children.

I never wanted kids when I was young and thought they were disgusting.  I don't really remember what changed my mind but right before I met my husband I realized that I did want kids. It hasn't been an easy road and there are times where I wonder if it's worth all the frustration and tears (honestly there are some days where I think 'maybe we'll get a dog, instead') but I know if I never have children I will regret it.

 

curlyhairedboys

maddyishere:

1.  Babies and toddlers are so cute, but then they grow up and I don't want to be tied down to tweens, teenagers, etc. and all the responsibility that comes with it.

 2.  Can't really stop working, so a stranger would have to raise the child and I might not like that when the time comes.

 3.  I still have many goals to pursue and a child wouldn't help matters.

These things make me think you don't want kids.

And it's okay, it is.  I've typed out a few things about how wonderful it's been with my 2 boys and I can't imagine it any other way.  But I'm not going to convince you to change your mind.  I have always wanted kids.  It's the only thing I've ever been sure about.

But let me just say that if you do decide to have a child, it totally rearranges your priorities...and most people I know are okay - thrilled actually - with that. 

Deanne Shehane

I always wanted kids but knew I didn't want to do it alone. I didn't find my fabulous husband until four years ago. We come from wonderful families and it just felt right. We could choose not to have kids and travel the world for the rest of our lives but we knew children were what we wanted. We also agreed to put a timeline on how long we wanted to try and if it didn't happen, we would take it as God's will and have a good life together. Luckily after a year of fertility treatments, we are expecting our first child in January. I'm nervous, scared and thrilled all at the same time. This will change my life forever and I can't wait. Are we going to have to live life differently, absolutely. Will we have to give up some freedom, absolutely. But everything will fall into place, it always does. You made a list of cons but no list of the pros. This makes it look like you are not interested in changing your life for a child. I suggest making a list of both pros and cons and deciding as a team(you and DH), as to what you really want. There's nothing wrong with not having kids. It's a personal choice but make a well thought out decision so that you don't have any regrets. Best of luck to you.

nikilouhoo

CityPixie:

You do want a child or you wouldn't be here.We also said we'd have kids "some day" but also have said..."well hmmm maybe not"  (typically after some hectic family event ...which we used to refer to as birth control)  We too have been very happy with our free time.  We have lived the cool, no-kid couplehood.  We live in the city, we restored an historic home, we have traveled to some great faraway places, we can go out to dinner whenever we want.  Our careers are well established.  When our parents started getting older I felt bad but we agreed we can't have children for them...WE have to live with the decision, the responsiblity, the worry, the chaos, the frustration, the diapers, the crying, the lack of sleep.   But I do regret not starting earlier in part because of them.  They are so great with their other grandchildren.  It might be too late.  Mostly it was the "it's now or never" feeling.  I always felt this IS part of life, this IS part of being a woman and an experience I shouldn't miss if I can help it.  So many woman say it is the best thing they ever did, afterall!  All along I havent' wanted to give up my cushy life but this year we just seemed to click.  It's time for a major shift and I'm finally OK with that.

City - My thoughts and feelings exactly - to the T. We married a bit later in life (I'm was 36 and he was 41 - my second marriage, his first) so we've always been on borrowed time from a TTC perspective. Living the single couplehood life is great, but livining the couplehood, plus 1 (or 2, 3 - whatever you choose) will be just as great - just different.

It's completely normal to have moments of doubt, but at the end of the day you have to listen very closely to you and your partner's hearts. Will you feel like you missed somthing really important if you don't TTC? Only you and your partner can decide what's right for you.

stever

Having a child was one of my goals. It was a goal that I knew I wanted to be older when I achieved it, but it was still a very concrete goal.

DH and I waited, intentionally, then when I was staring down turning 35 we knew it was time.

Absolutely no regrets!

shouldbworkin

maddyishere:

Was there one moment or anything that made you decide to have a child?

I always wanted children.  There was no moment when I said "I'm ready now," I think I was born ready and just needed to wait to find the right person to start a family with.

 The only things holding me back are:

1.  Babies and toddlers are so cute, but then they grow up and I don't want to be tied down to tweens, teenagers, etc. and all the responsibility that comes with it.

Actually, I think it gets easier as they get older.  Sure, babies and toddlers are cute, but they are a ton of work and you don't really get much in return.  As they get older, you can actually have a two sided relationship with them, explore interests together and the responsibilities are different.  They are more independent, can do more on their own, can help you do things that need to get done and eventually you won't need babysitters anymore (although, some of my friends with teenagers still do quite a bit of babysitting of some sort).  With everything, with the bad, comes more good.

 2.  Can't really stop working, so a stranger would have to raise the child and I might not like that when the time comes.

A stranger will never be raising your DC.  You will have the greatest impact on your DC, even if they are in daycare.  And, there is nothing wrong with someone else loving your child while you're at work.  there are also lots of good things that come from daycare and eventually someone will have to be spending some amount of time with your DC if you're going to send them to preschool and then onto elementary etc.

 3.  I still have many goals to pursue and a child wouldn't help matters.

goals can still be reached.  maybe not on the same time table, but I never really minded putting certain things off. 

Is there anything that struck you to decide YES we're going to actually do this??   Any regrets?  

No regrets at all.  For us it wasn't a matter of if we were going to have kids, it was when.  I'm almost 36 and TTC #3.  We thought long and hard about #3 and what it came down to was that we knew we'd never regret having another child.  Sure, we'd have to put some things off, it would be a rough couple years with 3 little ones in the house, but we thought it was worth it.  now it's taken a bit longer than we'd planned and we do think about whether the window of opportunity has passed us, but we still come back to thinking that we would have great regrets later in life when it's too late to do something about it.

 

cbeney

I always knew (or hoped) I would have at least one. Now, I'd be thrilled to have one healthy baby! I guess you know you are ready when you look forward to a messy house filled with baby/child toys, making dinner for your children, family movie nights, stuff like that. Sounds corny, but Ive had my share of partying and Im welcoming settling down with babies with open arms

JilliansMoma

Wow this is a good question but not easy to answer.  It took me a long time to realize that I really wanted to be a mom.  

I always thought I was too selfish and there was always something better to spend my time on, money on, love on, ect.  I had nieces and nephews that I loved like my own but I didn't have to deal with the everyday crap. Everyone always told me the love you feel for your own child is not the same as the love you feel with somebody else's kid and that is sooo true!! (even though I didn't believe it at the time)  

I knew that I would have to have kids because it was something my DH really wanted to do (and in the back of my heart I knew someday I would really want to also).  When we started TTC #1 and it took forever I was so sad to realize that this might not happen for us.  I think the struggles that my hubby and I had to go through to get us to be parents have made us so much better as parents.  We appreciate everyday the beauty of our daughter (even when she's screaming on the floor crying her eyes out because she didn't get her way)  

Since we've had her she enhances our life not detracts she just comes with us now on our adventures!  Dinners in the city, summer vacations to Maui, cross country road trips in the car and just spending time hanging out at our house!!  

I truly believe that children are our eternal life we will live on in them long after we are gone from this Earth. Long story short like PP said THE single best thing I have ever done in my life!!! 

ForTheLoveOf Pink

maddyishere:

I am almost 40 and still can't decide to have kids. We wanted them years ago but then time flew by and here we are and getting older.

Was there one moment or anything that made you decide to have a child?

 

Obviously you are looking at all of the points on the CON side of the list.....what are the points on your PRO side?

As a yound girl I wanted kids then in my early 20's after babysitting for many years I was on the NEVER side of things. After about 10 years went by I really started thinking how would I consider my life a success without a family? It took me forever and a day to find Mr. Right. I will say for me, wanting to have a child was and is on my mind from the day my husband asked me to marry him (and I hope it is not too late).

I think everyone could come up with how a child would or did change their lives but does the CON's list outweigh how a child would enrich your family? That is how I feel anyways  

maddyishere

Wow - THANKS to all of you girls who are so helpful and opened your hearts to me - a stranger..  I really appreciate it!!! I read all of your posts TWICE!  and am thinking hard.  Did u know I actually have baby outfits (girl ones only) that I purchased before I got married? I always wanted kids and then responsibilites happened and then striving to get ahead with stuff.

We both think we'd have tons of fun on the weekends and on vacations, but DH works late and I have to work, and when I do get home, I usually fall asleep after many household chores!  I am always busy and have a to do list and can't wait til it's finished. My house isn't big enough and don't want to sell because we want a vacation home one year soon.  That's one of our goals.  We have a dog who is like a child to us and busy busy busy! Plus worry and all that comes with that responsibility.  Sometimes I'm so tired to even get the dog food out and in the bowl!  I wonder, how lazy / tired would i be with a child?  You have to be their rock and sometimes i get down and can't feel upbeat and u should always "be there" for your child. What about when it learns to drive and you have to taxi him/her around? By that time I want to be retired and then don't want to be tied down bec my child has a girlfriend / boyfriend.. Plus the way we're tracked and stuff. The world is changing.  Sometimes i think i don't want to leave anything behind in this crazy world.

PS  I ONLY want a girl .  How can I make that happen if we decide??

See - so many questions! 

 

MelleTX

maddyishere:

PS  I ONLY want a girl .  How can I make that happen if we decide??

 

 

I think you just assured yourself of a boy with that remark!