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Blended Families
I just don't understand
A little background since I don't post much: My DH has joint physical and legal custody of his 2 boys from his first marriage. I pick them up from MIL every Monday and Tuesday after I get off work and take them home with me. We also get them every other weekend.
I just don't understand how the boys can be such different children. It was their weekend with BM and when we get them they act crazy. I picked the up from MIL's house as normal. As I'm riding down the road SS7 screamed, SS 6 punched him in the stomach because he wanted to tell him something. I had to get gas and I made SS6 get out of the car and explain why he was acting this way. He just acted like it was normal and laughed about it. The boys fought all the way home. They hit, spit and kicked each other all the way home. My DD is also in the back seat and watched all of this happen.
I got home, seeing red as I was so mad that they acted this way. (they don't act like this with us normally because they get in major trouble) I put them in time out when I got home and said no games for the night. DH over ruled me and let them play games all night.
I don't understand why BM allows them to act this way, so they think it fine to do anyhwhere. And I don't understand why DH thinks underminding my authority is making things better. DD is learning this behavior from her brothers and has started acting out when they are around.
Is there anyway I can make DH see that allowing this to go on is not okay? And for him to see that it is affecting DD (19 months). I know there is nothing I can do about BM's lack of rules but that doesn't mean they should be given a free pass to act like this either.
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Re: I just don't understand
Sounds more like its DHs fault for not carrying through with the discipline...
First of all because she lets them do anything they want. We have seen this first hand and have been told this by her parents and people who know her.
Your comment is exactly what I'm talking about. Yes boys will wrestle and be more agressive than girls. But you think it okay to allow them to fight in the backseat of a car, in stores, and in restraunts and you reward this behavior because they are boys?
Where we live your child will be suspended for fighting or hitting in schools. If they can do it at home they will do it anywhere. And I'm sorry but the backseat of a car is very dangerous for them to be "boys".
I would be livid if DH took one of my punishments away!!!! That would be the first problem.
Just keep with the expectations of your home (no fighting) and they will understand. The longer you and DH stick with it the quicker the kids will understand the rules at your home and BM's.
Also I would avoid using how it's affecting DD to DH. I am sure it is but they are all his children equally and that might make it sound like they are not. Just stick to the problems. 1. DH underminding your punishment 2. The boys not behaving by the household rules.
it's partially a boys will be boys thing..but the DH HAS to understand that underminng you will get you nowhere with the kids. Point out to him if your DD starts play hitting and not in an I told youso way, say..I told you so! lol..
This!
She has punched DH in face and laughed. He spanked her for hitting him. Its very hard for me to punish her for mocking what her brothers do. It's okay for them to do it because they are boys, but she gets in trouble for "playing".
I tried this when she punched SS6 in the nose and chest several diffent times. I pull her aside and explain that we need to be nice and not hit, and I make her give him hugs an kisses. Then I explain to them that she sees them fight and I won't punish her because they taught her to do it. If they don't want their little sister to hit them (she is already half SS6 size) then stop fighting. I'm at my wits end with all of the fighting, black eyes, bloody noses, and all because they don't get their way.
I need some back up with punishment, and DH and BMs excuse is "well that's what brother do". I had a brother and yes this is what they do if allowed, but this is why we don't speak to this day.
Seriously? Your DH hit your DD for hitting him but it is ok for his precious boys to do whatever they want? Guess he already told you that his boys are more important than you or his sons and your only issues is what you are going to do about it. There is not a chance in hell I would allow my daughter to be spanked for doing something her brothers get away with and unless he could tell me why my punishment was wrong there is no way I would be ok with that either. I do not remember your entire story but I know that every time I read your posts I think that your Nest name is so wrong.
I disagree with your idea that it's ok to discpline the boys for fighting but not discipling DD and that your DH has the completelty different approach. Yes, her brothers are teaching her to hit/fight but they're kids. It is not their responsibility to teach their sister what's right and what's wrong. It's yours. You have to teach her that it's not ok to hit and you do that by age appropiate discipline..same as you would for your SSs.
As far as your SSs, your DH has to be on the same page with you as far as discipline. You can't blame BM for the behavior they exhibit in yoru home when you have a DH that undermines you. I'm sure she's a factor, but your DH is as well. Until you present a united front, these boys will walk all over you. Have a heart to heart with your DH first, decidce in advance of an issue what the discipline will be for hitting (seperating the kids, taking away privileges, etc), let the kids know up front what their discipline will be and then follow through. They are kids so the behavior won't change overnight and they'll rebel occassionally, but if you consistanly follow through they will learn that rules are different at your house than BMs and act accordingly.
Thanks for the advice from everyone it helps to have many diffrent points of view. I feel that DH and I have had this heart to heart a thousand times about not being consistant. And we will make it a thousand and one. Something has to give.
PS: My name started when I was 19 and found the knot. I opened the account playing around and was planning my perfect wedding in hopes with the perfect man, and hesperfect was made. I didn't meet DH until 2 years later. I just don't know how to change it with out started a new account with a diffrent email. If you can tell I'd love to change it.
You can't change it unless you start over w/ a new email. That's why they tell you to choose carefully. I wouldn't change it and lose a 2006 member date. At least it gives you credit that you've been around awhile.
Thanks for explaining how the screenname happened I just thought you were in huge denial.
LOL! No I knew there were problems from the beginning, and yet still jumped in with two feet. Alot of our problems began with DH has no back bone. He lets himself be used as a door mat by his parents, ex, and kids until he has enough. Then the explosion happens. I have tried for years to get him to be honest and set boundries so he doesn't build everything up.
This is what is happening with the boys. We set boundries and it works, then the doormat sets back in. I got the same excuse to not follow through "well I haven't seen them in a week and I want to spend time with them and this is what we like to do." So the door mat will be here until, he can't take the stress anymore.
This. All of it. And especially the bolded part.
Your DH needs to buck up. You ask why your SKids think it's okay to act like this in your home... well, your DH lets them. That's why. He has clearly made you look as if your punishments/authority doesn't matter in front of his boys, so why would they listen to you in the car especailly when he isn't home? Nothing is going to change with the way your DH is acting... he has to straighten out before you can expect your SKids to.
Edit: Just read your reasoning for your SN.
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It's going to be hard to get anywhere at all without DH heading this or backing you up. Buuuttt....
I think the mistake I see in this post is that the kids are getting a choice. Kids are really exercising problem solving and exploring social techniques at this age. When you tell your SSs that if they don't want DD to hit them, they need to stop fighting in front of her, it is very easy for them to reason, Well, we'll just hit her back. She can fight with us! It's all a game to them. Even if they whine and bleed and scream. Kids feed into the confrontation and the attention and the reaction, be it coming from you, their siblings, or anyone else.
You and yH need to stop this now. There is a no tolerance policy for this behavior at school. Why not at home. My SD used to do this, too, and DH was partially responsible because he loved to rough house with her. But it is also your house, your rules. Even if yH won't back you up, take some intiative and be the heavy if you have to. I had to, and eventually it got DH to stand up and now we are a very cooperative and united team when it comes to discipline and rewards.
I don't do spanking, of course, because my SD is not my child, and DS is not quite 7mo. I'm C&Ping the rest of this from another post I did RE someone else's question regarding discipline.
"WARNING: This is long and wordy.
My SD is 4, and I've been around since she was 2. It will be hard at first because you have limited visitation. But consistency is the key. Anyone will tell you that. Do NOT give in to guilt parenting. This goes DOUBLE for your DH.
For my SD we use 4 minute time outs because she is 4yo (3minutes when she was 3yo). Same place for time out in your house every time. Can be adjusted outside the home or in public, but same general idea.
Scenario:
SD is jumping on the couch. That is against the rules in our house. I approach her, and stop the behavior, make her look me in the eyes, and tell her that jumping on the furniture is unacceptable and if she does it again she will go to time out for four minutes. No yelling, no spanking, no jerking, etc.
If I catch her jumping on the furniture again (normally, if this is the beginning of a new discipline routine, it will be almost immediately), I approach her again, stop the behavior, make her look me in the eyes, and tell her again that jumping on the furniture is unacceptable and because she did not listen to me the first time she will sit in time out for four minutes.
I take her to the time out spot. If she kicks and screams, I pick her up and carry her (no yelling, jerking, spanking, threatening, etc). I do not respond to that kind of behavior. If you do, it only reinforces it. I sit SD in time out (our spot is a small folding chair only for SD that faces down the hallway, away from the family and the TV). No talking or getting up during time out. If she gets up or talks, it starts over. I use the microwave or my cell phone to time it. That way we both know when time is up.
When time is up, I go over to SD, and get down to her level. Eye contact. I explain once again that jumping on the furniture is unacceptable behavior and that she was put in time out because she continued to do it after I warned her once. She explains back to me in her own words what she did that was wrong. She apologizes. We hug and kiss, I tell her I love her, and we go back to normal.
If SD does something good, lots and LOTS of praise. Go absolutely nuts to make her feel like even little things matter so much to you. When SD remembers to say "yes ma'am" or something, I make a HUGE deal over it and tell her proud I am that she remembered to be respectful all on her own like a big girl.
You can also incorporate a behavior chart or a jar or something. A sticker everytime she does something wonderful that stands out. And when she gets a certain number of stickers, you do something special, like let her pick a place to eat or go to the park or play her favorite game. Something like that.
Having consistent rules and rewards and consequences might be hard at first (moreso on you and yH than her), but in the long run, it is going to help you all out so much and get things off to a great start. Things normally get worse at first before they get better, though. And make sure you discuss it all with yH. It's incredibly hard to get anywhere if he's letting her get away with everything and you're following a routine. Been there, done that. It's hell.
Good luck!"
YOUR HUSBAND SPANKED YOUR 19 MONTH OLD??????
I am sick reading this. How did you feel about it? It seems inconsequential to you.
So much this, and i am not even 100% anti-spanking. How can you punish hitting WITH hitting?
From all that you have said here I think you and your H need to seek help. Like counseling. I think he needs someone else to point out how is parenting styles for his children are harming them in the long run, and I think you need to grow a backbone. Seriously.
Yeah, way to teach your kid to hit......by hitting them.
So many things wrong here.