sad, frustrated and confused (Long)

Melliebugs

Where to start...My sister came for a visit this weekend and she stayed at my dad's house (he has a new wife now).  Several times while I was visiting her Dee (the new wife)  made references how we need to go out the cemetary.  She was kinda vague and made it about how my dad asked my brother to go with him and he didn't. Thinking back she never mentioned this in from of my dad.

 So for those of that don't know my mom died 16 years ago...we bought her and my dad plots next to eachother.  On one side it says my mom's name and the other my dads with our last name in the middle.  On a side note--I haven't been to my mom's gravesite in years and I mean years--my dad has dated two women since my mom passed and he use to like to take them out to see her site--I had and have a problem with this (whether it is rational or not).  I felt like the place was tainted for me and didn't go out there to remember her.  Fast forward to yesterday---

My sister and her kids came for a visit from Chicago and she wanted to take her kids out there to see my mom's site and to remember her.  Well when she got out there the marker was filthy hadn't been cleaned in a really long time--dirt, mud, it was awful.  There were no flowers and there was something else missing...my dad's name was taken off the marker. 

I wish I could say I am shocked he did this this way with NO communication, but that is kinda how he does things.  His way and no concern for us kids on what we think.  This was a horrible way for my sister to have to see my mom's site after all these years and to take her kids out there to talk about memories...ugh I am so mad, sad and lost that my dad did this.  I do think that Dee insisted and I think she wanted us to find out.

So we are thinking of not telling my dad we know and just having the three kids names and my dads put on the marker as we were all a family for 29 years.  My brother, sister and I will have some of our ashes buried with her so she won't be alone. 

This women (Dee) is a piece a work--My sister stayed at my dads since Wednesday and my family stayed Sat and Sun.  Yesterday Dee never got out of bed or left the room before I left at 9ish and before my sister left at 1.  My sister stayed with me last night.  She really made us know we weren't welcome there. 

Ok that is my gripe if you read all this you deserve a medal.

almostanO

wow! that would be so frustrating.  I think your idea of having your names put on there is good.  It was very insensitive of your father to take his name off. 

I will say though that I don't think I would have had a problem with him bringing girlfriends or his new wife out there it shows how much he loved your mother.  Still remembering her when he has moved on.

She never even came out of the room?  9ish i could maybe understand but 1!!

MLvK

Mellie, first of all, I am so sorry you found out that way.

Do you feel comfortable at all talking to your dad about it?  Nothing is going to change what was done, but it can't help you to keep your hurt feelings bottled up from him.   At least if you engage him in a conversation about it, you can walk away knowing you put your feelings about it out there.   You won't ever have to think, "well he didn't know that hurt me".

I've had to have many uncomfortable conversations with my family.  And they usually don't resolve anything, except that I can know I said my piece.  And ultimately that's what helps me move forward.

I hope you can find a way to resolve your feelings about your moms gravesite and visit. It might help you.    And I think the idea of each of you leaving a part of your ashes with her is wonderful.    

tracigator

Hugs Mellie.  I'm just so sorry you found out that way.  That sucks.

I agree with Michelle about talking with your father though.  I also think your idea of leaving some of your ashes with your mother is just a wonderful idea.  I love it and love the idea about changing the headstone.

 

mingaling2

What a terrible way to find this out.  I hope you can talk to your dad about it - if not just for your own good to talk it through and keep it from hurting you more.

AugustaBride04

I'm sorry Mellie. That is a horrible way to find out. I agree with everyone else that you should talk to your Dad about it if at all possible. IMO, some step-moms can really come between dad and kids. My Dad is on wife # 3.  (First was my mom - divorce; 2nd my stepmom - passed away; 3rd crazy new step mom) My Dad and stepmom #1 were together for 15 years when she passed away. She was like a 2nd mother to me. He got a dual plot with his name on one side for future use and hers on the other where she was buried.  He told me no matter what, he would always be buried there. My dad is weird about taking new crazy step mom out there and doesn't talk about it front of her.  He always pulls me to the side and asks me to go check on it or put flowers on it. The last time we were at home, new crazy stepmom out of the blue told me that she and my dad planned to be buried somewhere else. I was like wtf - why are you telling me this? Why didn't my dad tell me? All that to say, I can totally relate. I love your idea of changing the marker and adding your ashes. That is really sweet.  That was my first thought too about my stepmom, that she would be buried all by herself and it made me sad.

rara855

That is so insensitive. I am sorry he/she did that with out a conversation. She sounds like a piece of work. I think you mean to add the names like "grandmother of, x,y,and, z wife to abc." I think this would be a sweet gesture to your mom. I'm sorry you had to find out that way. That is awful. Hugs.

seasidebride05

I would be so upset as well and think that you need to talk to your dad and let him know how you feel whether it gets through to him or not.  Your step mother sounds like a spiteful brat.  I am sorry you are having to deal with this.  Big hugs to you!

yellowtulips80

That is really insensitive of your dad.  I would be furious.  I'm still mad about the way some things went down when my Grandmother passed but there is nothing I can do about it.  I think it is really sweet to add your names to the headstone.

K&P414

OMG that is horrible.  I cannot imagine having my mother's resting place be treated so negligently.  I think it is an incredibly loving tribute to your family for you and your siblings to have some of your ashes buried with her.  I'm sorry your dad acted the way he did and I'm sorry your stepmother is a witch.  (((((HUGS)))))))

MrsKLB

Wow, that is an awful way to find out.  I'm sorry that your sister had to go through that and that you are all having to deal with such hurt so many years later.  I like the idea of having the names put on the grave and having some of the siblings ashes buried there.  Not really knowing your relationship with your father, I would say that the best thing to do is tell him that you know what he did and that you are having his name and the 3 children's names put back.  It's his choice where he wants to be buried, but you have every right to put those names on her grave because, like you said, you were a family for so long.

noyoucomehere

I'm so sorry Mel. Such blatant disregard; that's just terrible. I think you have every right to change the headstone.

leslienpete

I am so sorry you are dealing with this!

Maybe his new wife didn't agree with what he did or the way he handled it (without telling you guys) and wanted you to know? Perhaps this was the only way she could tell you?

AliBGood

UNBELIEVABLE that someone would be so cold to do that!  (And I don't know if I'm talking about the new wife or your father.)  Dee has no place making ANY kind of arrangements on the site that your mother is at.  And for your father to actually not interfere with her doing so is beyond me.  I would be so hurt and frustrated... I don't know if I could keep my mouth shut about it.  Would you consider talking with your dad about it 1-on-1 or with him and your siblings?  See where his thought process was in the dicision... was it all Dee's doing or did your dad have something to do with it?  That's my thoughts, not sure if they're helpful.

B3Bride

Dee does sound like a piece of work and your dad should have told you. However, unless you want him to find out the way you did - you may want to talk to him about taking his name off the marker and adding the whole family back.

 I can't believe he didn't share this with you and your sister had to find out that way.

Hope you feel better about the whole situation soon.