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Blended Families
1st post, need advice
This is my first post on the bump, I have posted on the nest before but decided to change my screen name b/c the last one was too obvious and things I need advice on are pretty private matters.
I live w/ my BF and his 2 young children. I am their only "mom", BM is not involved. He does not get support from her, financially or otherwise and honestly, they are better off without her. I love these kids like my own. The 8 yo has some behavioral/psych problems: ADD, anxiety, very very easily frustrated (temper tantrums/outbursts like a toddler would have), learning disablilty. He has an IEP, sees a therapist weekly, and we have been taking him to specialists for further treatment, he is not on meds. He has made a lot of progress but still has a ways to go.
BF also has 2 older children from 1st marriage. 15 yo wanted to visit this summer, his BM wanted him to come for the whole summer because they were not getting along. He got here 2 weeks ago and has NO intention of returning to his BM. He is bipolar, ADD, ODD. He was on multiple meds when he got here, was noncompliant at BM's and then started taking all of them here and ended up admitted to a psych ward. He then was on outpatient treatment. He got reprimanded for looking up porn on the computer at our home (something he was spoken to about before since we have young kids in the home) and said he was better off dead. Well, that bought him another admission to a psych ward once his outpatient clinic was told about that.
I am so stressed out. I just want life back the way it was before he came to visit. I honestly don't even want to have him live with us, but obviously he is my BF's son and he needs to care for him. I am just so anxious about the living situation. I feel as though our lives may have changed for the worse (less attention/time given to the 2 boys, another child with currently no financial support from BM, time alone together is less with a teenager in the house, sex life is changed, date nights which are rare to begin with since we have kids full time will be rarer). I also feel now that we have so much on our plate that down the road, we might never be able to have another child and I want that experience one day.
BF reassures me that everything will work out, that we will get married, buy a bigger home, and expand our family. I just can't get past feeling like this. I am not ready for a teenager. He said that if I feel like it's too much, I can leave, that I have no obligation to stay and that he wants me to be happy. I love him and I love "our" boys and I don't want to leave. I just feel so confused. And I feel guilty and selfish for not wanting his oldest son and for resenting him being here and disrupting our lives. Any advice? I feel like I just don't know what to do anymore, when I was so sure about things before.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 1st post, need advice
I truly feel for you, bonding with a teenager is hard work. They are oppositional, defiant and rebellious at best lol. Bonding with a teenager with psyche problems is much harder. It is definitely easier to come in to a child's life when they are young, then when they become begrudge-ant teenagers at least you remember them fondly, you don't have any of that with your SS. Don't feel bad about not 'loving' him, it is never instant, it grows with time and a bond. The fact is you may never have that with this boy.
Obviously his father has a duty to care for and help him. However, a lot will depend on your bf's involvement and parenting styles. I should give you my SMs phone number lol. She went through the exact same thing with my brother and she is also a psychiatric nurse! Basically my father put his foot down from day one, my brother was under no circumstance allowed to disrespect my SM or disrupt the home. My brother basically flip flopped between both homes and at 18 got his own place. So I guess one good thing is that it should be short lived lol.
For now the only thing you can do really is nothing - literally. Detach yourself from the situation as much as possible. Concentrate on doing things that make you happy. This boy has two parents, allow them to parent him and allow them to worry about his behavior and well being. Tell your bf what you are willing to put up with and more importantly what you are not and stick to it.
We have a couple posters on this board, namely Paris, Ilumine & Littlejen who will give you great advice on how to do this effectively.
Also if your bf wants you to parent his young kids as if they are your own and take his older kid, with issues, in to you home he can damn well put a ring on your finger. One of my conditions would be that this happens sooner rather than later. If you are to be married and have kids should never be a guessing game, sit down, pick a date and time line and stick to it. If there is any chance that those are not his goals then you need to hit the road today.
Counselling or finding a person in the same situation as you are a necessity. You needs someone to bounce things off and talk to. Best of luck.
BF works 24 hour shifts and when he was working & I was off, I would take his son to his grandparents house at night. But I would drive him to his outpatient, let him hang out with us after he got home, get him dinner, and then take him to the grandparents.
I think I just volunteered too much at once and it became overwhelming. He is not self-directed at all, and I feel uncomfortable asking him in the mornings if he showered, brushed teeth, washed face, etc. and then asking him at night if he remembered to pack all his stuff (usually he forgot stuff). And during the day, I would get frustrated when he was "bored" doing stuff I was doing with younger ones. This only happened a few times since he has been here and it already stressed me out.
So I told BF that from now on, when he works his shift, his son needs to have plans for the entire day/night that do not involve me until he is a little more independent. Babysitting a teenager is too much for me. He will have to go to grandparent's or other relative's just as if I didn't exist to watch over him. BF agrees and he never asked me to take on the responsibility in the first place but I was trying to be helpful. Hopefully this goes smoothly when he gets discharged and eventually I can take spending more time with him when it feels less like babysitting. I feel like we just added another 8yo to our household instead of a 15yo.
I want to parent the younger kids, I'm sure bf is all for it, but he is also all for getting a babysitter whenever he has to work if I want free time. I have no issue being their mom without being married. We are both divorced so I am not in a huge rush to remarry, he would elope tomorrow and he brings up the subject regularly. That I am not worried about.
What I am worried about is how this change will affect our lives. Bf is confident it will be great, that I need to just take a step back from the situation and just support and love him. Even when I step back, his son will still be living under our roof so of course I can't remove myself completely. And I feel like an @ss for feeling how I do. I am sure I have been driving him crazy and been super anxious the last few days, to the point I don't even know how he can take it (PMS doesn't help, lol). I feel like I should just "get over myself" because we have more important things to deal with.
Firstly I think it is great that you and bf can talk openly and honestly about this and he seems supportive.
Who set the bar on how you are supposed to feel? If you keep telling yourself that you should feel a certain way about this situation you are setting yourself up for failure. You need to accept that you feel how you feel and then take each day as it comes. Anxious and stressed sound about right to me. With time the feelings will lessen and that is called progress. Your aim is to work through this with your bf and get to a good place for everyone, no one starts at the finish line.
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but it may be true. I definately understand how difficult this must be for you to suddenly have your life turned upside down but the truth is, this is his son & he needs to help him. Shipping him back to his mother's won't make the problem completely go away. There is also no guarentee that the 8yr old who already has issues won't be like this in 5 years. Do you have the patience to do that? Is this an enviroment you even want to bring another baby into? Is this a life you are ready to commit to? Yes I understand that you love your bf & his 2 younger kids, but these are the questions you need to ask yourself. I would suggest counciling so you can come to peace w/whatever decision you make. Good luck.
There is also no guarentee that the 8yr old who already has issues won't be like this in 5 years. -jpowell3
THIS
Yellowribbon- I have a 9 year old SS who is bipolar, ADHD, ODD, explosive behavior disorder and abandonment issues from BM. He lives with us full time and she has not made any effort to contact him in over a year. Even on his meds he can be very difficult to deal with. I am not looking forward to his teenage years, so I feel your frustration. If you ever want to talk PM me.
Thanks for the replies, everyone. I know that the potential is there for the 8yo to develop the same problems. I considered that even before the 15yo arrived. Hopefully the fact that the 8yo has made major improvements and has had great medical help his whole life will make a difference. The 15yo was not getting the help he needed.
I know that the easy way would be to walk away, but I don't feel like that is the right way for me at this time. I want to give it a try with the 15yo living with us, I am just one of those people that likes to plan and when something disrupts my life, I need more adjusting. I am not as free spirited as I sometimes think I am. 15yo comes home from hospital in 5 days, I need to give this a shot because I love bf and his family and they have been nothing but supportive of our relationship and my relationship with the younger kids. Hopefully this is for the better. If we are all going to be happy, great. If not, I will need to reassess.
In terms of marriage, I am not in a rush at all to even be engaged, it will happen when the time is right for both of us. Bf is a great father, he was a single dad for a long time and has always stepped up. We both come from large families and having another child down the road is something we both want when the timing is right. We can definitely financially do it and if he gets child support one day, that will just be a bonus for the children. We just need make sure all the kids we live with now have what they need emotionally and psychologically.
Thanks again for all of the honest responses, I look forward to getting support and advice from this board and hopefully I can give support, insight, and advice to you all as well. And hopefully my posts will get shorter, lol.
I get your point but I do not think anyone that gave the advice to "get out" was telling her to abandon kids. They live with their father, if his girlfriend broke up with him and moved out I can see how the little ones could/would get hurt but that is unfortunately the nature of a boyfriend moving his girlfriend in with him to "play Mommy" to the kids. (And I say that as someone that moved in with DH before we were married and before SD moved in with us.) But while I respect her decision to stay in the relationship, I do not think that it is bad advice to tell someone that to get out before there are more strings attached given the problems in the situation.
It sounds like your SO is really trying to see it from your perspective, which having a spouse like that would really be crucial if you do try to make this situation work.
My advice (now that I've gotten over being heartbroken at the stories of your SKs) is to tell your SO that you want to see if you can make it work, but that you're not making promises right now. I think you'll feel better if you at least stay through this roughest-of-the-rough patches to help him reach a stable place before his family dynamic is changed once again.
First, is he getting C/S from BM#1? You need to get a CO inplace, like yesterday. You especially need to address the older SS's need for therapy and make sure BM#1 pays her fair share.
Second, you need to make sure you and DH are still spending couple time together, apart from all the madness of your house. You will be better to each other and you will be better (saner) parents for the kids.
Third, remember that things won't always be just like they are right now. You mentioned the 8 year old is making progress. I think that's fantastic. *This is my soapbox about the ADD/behavioral issues: Make sure he gets enough sleep. Studies have shown that ADD/ADHD symptoms can be intensified by being overly tired. Try giving him an earlier bedtime and see if it helps. * Also, the 15 year old will only get older, and hopefully more independent and self-supporting.
I wish you the best!
BM of the younger kids has never paid CS, sent $$, paid for anything. We know where she is, but the court needs to track her down. I am just worried she will fight for custody and her lifestyle is unfit and unsafe for the kids to be with her. I almost don't know if the CS $$ is worth it. BM of the older kids is getting CS from my bf. She is sending him that $$ for the older one (or at least says she is, I stay out of that) and if he stays, they will readdress that CO for CS.
I talked to bf about having date night. Fortunately we have a lot of days off together and the younger ones were in school before 15yo came. Now that 15yo is here, we will have to make sure there are date nights and we've discussed that.
8yo definitely gets his sleep and is a good sleeper. No matter what time he is in bed, he never falls asleep before 9pm, but still gets 10+ hours of sleep. If he is started on ADD meds (we might trial it, he is falling behind in school despite almost every other alternative to help him), I will need to really be aware of his sleeping/eating.
First, I just want to say that is sounds like you are taking on way too much. I understand wanting to help and support your BF, but you need to put you first. You need to be happy. I think it is possible to balance everything, but don't over do it. These are not your kids, and it is ok to disengage in things you have been doing to help, if it is too much for you.
I read somewhere that you should have one date night per week, that is obviously hard some a lot of people who have full time kids, but make the time to spend together. Even if you put the kids to bed, and you have a teenager running around, sneak a bottle of wine to your room, watch a movie, cuddle so whatever it takes to make sure to not lose the intimacy.
I had a hard time adjusting to being a stepmother, and it caused a big strain on our marriage for the first few months, so we have been seeing a therapist to help, and it is really helping. There are also a lot of good books, that offer great advice! GL!