Hate When People Say This

patchen30

I think it's well-meaning, but I hate when people say (re: IF) "I don't know how you do it" or "I can't imagine what you're going through." 

I know they're trying to offer support, or are trying to say that you're strong, but IF makes you feel so isolated to begin w/, and these comments make me feel even more isolated.  It's as if the person saying it sees herself as just incapable of getting through the NIGHTMARE you're living.  Like, thanks a lot.  If you were me you wouldn't be able to do it, or you can't even imagine living through something as BAD as this?   

Anyone kwim?  It just irritates me.

Like I said, I know it's well-meaning so I usually respond w/ a "thanks" or something else polite, but it upsets me.

PiggyBride

....I agree, sometimes I just want to say back, .....'Your right you don't, now shut the heck up!'  stand back and watch their face before I gracefully walk away!

erinandbrockv

When someone says "I don't know how you do it/I couldn't do it," I just want to say "Well if you had no choice you would just do it!"

ohiostategal

Honestly that is one of the only comments a non-IF could say that wouldn't rub me the wrong way (other than just "I'm sorry you are going through this").  I think for everyone it is different and certain phrases hurt some more than others, etc.  That is why I don't tell many non-IF people what we are going through.  It is a no-win situation for them because there is not much they could say that I wouldn't take the wrong way!

kthappy76

ohiostategal:

Honestly that is one of the only comments a non-IF could say that wouldn't rub me the wrong way (other than just "I'm sorry you are going through this").  I think for everyone it is different and certain phrases hurt some more than others, etc.  That is why I don't tell many non-IF people what we are going through.  It is a no-win situation for them because there is not much they could say that I wouldn't take the wrong way!

This.  It usually just makes me cry...

patchen30

erinandbrockv:

When someone says "I don't know how you do it/I couldn't do it," I just want to say "Well if you had no choice you would just do it!"

Totally agree! 

Amie8301

Those comments actually don't really bother me. To me they're at least trying to acknowledge I'm going through a lot. Unlike the "If this IVF doesn't work, you could always just adopt. You know, because then you could avoid morning sickness!" Sigh

momto3cats

ohiostategal:

It is a no-win situation for them because there is not much they could say that I wouldn't take the wrong way!

This.  It is why I have stopped talking about it even with the people who do know what is going on.  Pretty much anything anyone says annoys me.

ichoosehope

I know just what you mean. I always say "You could do it, and you would do it if you had to. A person just does what they have to do." That usually stops the pity party.

whispergrrl

Yeah, one of my good friends says stuff like this to me all the time. This is the friend who is "accidentally" pregnant right now.

I know she is trying to be sympathetic, and doesn't know what else to say. I don't really go out of my way to talk to her about whatever treatment I'm doing, because she doesn't understand...and she is in the middle of her first pregnancy and I'm happy for her for that.

The other day, though...when she called and asked how things were going and what the docs were having me do now, I explained about having DH give me shots each night and everything....and she said:

I don't know how you do it....if it were me, I would just adopt!

*blink* I just kinda said, well...you do what you have to do when you are in the situation. I want children, and I will do what i have to in order to have them.

Then I changed the subject. 

cbeney

I agree! SO annoying... I got a "its not in Gods plan" the other day....*SMACK*

Jill070707

I don't know - to me, it's better than the people who downplay what we go through.  And these statements feel more like respect than pity.  It's an acknowledgement that they sympathize even if they can't directly empathize. 

yodasmistress

Jill070707:

I don't know - to me, it's better than the people who downplay what we go through.  And these statements feel more like respect than pity.  It's an acknowledgement that they sympathize even if they can't directly empathize. 

This.  I usually just respond by saying "You just do what you have to do."

SASSY1JA

I don't know - to me, it's better than the people who downplay what we go through.  And these statements feel more like respect than pity.  It's an acknowledgement that they sympathize even if they can't directly empathize. 

This, I would actually prefer my friends say something like this.  This would at least show me they have some sympathy for us, instead I get the constant just relax, it will happen when you least expect it, and the latest I thought people didn't try IVF until years of trying.  Do you think you may be rushing things?