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Adoption
For foster parents...
For those of you who foster or foster to adopt, what are your reasons why you would disrupt? I ask this question because I am painfully deciding whether or not to disrupt our current placement. DH is strongly encouraging that we disrupt, I'm on the fence...but we are struggling with making the call because we made that commitment - and we want to uphold our end of the bargin (as rational or irrational as that sounds). We also feel bad about moving the girls around like this.
We want to disrupt for the following reasons:
1. When placed, we were told it would be a very "short" term placement, aka less than a month and they would be moved into kinship care OR back in with their BM. Our family "goal" is for foster to adopt but while waiting for a longer term placement we were okay with shorter placements under a month.
Reality: They have been with us for 4 months and when asked a few weeks ago how long we think the placement would be we were told, maybe 6-8 more months, if things went smoothly. This was NOT what was originally said to us.
Our issue: These two girls do not meet 75% of what we are looking for in children. We only agreed to take them on a short term basis. The reasons why we chose not to potentially adopt children with these specific criteria, are unfortunately popping up and its' becoming increasingly difficult to manage day to day. These issues are disrupting our lives and we are not equipped to handle some of the needs. Short term is okay - but longer term is draining us as a couple and individuals. We have had two fights this week, over petty issues - but in reality we are not coping appropriately and we need to make changes.
We were told at the last FST that they were NOT looking for kinship placements anymore (even though there were a few out there) and that they were going down the road of just reunifying with mom in the late fall. Mom wants them in a kinship home? Why would they stop seeking one out. I am THRILLED for mom getting her kids back but...not with how the caseworker is handling the
case.
2. When we became foster parents we were told that our privacy and the safety of the children was of most importance.
Reality: Caseworker has let the birth family out of meeting the same time, I was bombarded in the parking lot with birth family, she allows the BM to take the children to my car, etc.
Our issue: BM is expressing that there is violence in the girls BF's family. She expressed concerns that they tried to jump her since she's been out of jail. She has expressed he is looking for his girls. I'm now afraid that since family knows what kind of car I drive, the license plate, etc that they can follow me home. I legitimately fear my girls safety, as well as my own safety. Enough where i'm sick today (really, I am coughing and don't feel 100%) but called the caseworker and said I couldn't bring the girls today, that she would have to bring them to their visit. I am having high anxiety stemmed from fear.
3. We are under the assumption that the caseworker will advocate for our children and our family.
Reality: The caseworker finds things wrong with what I'm doing and points them out in front of the BM. Constructive criticism is one thing, putting me down or making it seem like I am a sub par parent is not appropriate. I'm already in a up hill battle with Birth family, being a "white girl raising their black children" which puts one strike against me. I need all the support I can get...
Our Issue: The past two visit examples:
Caseworker assumes that when a child "downs" a capri sun during a parent visit in 30 seconds that she's dehydrated and I'm obviously not doing my job. Instead, did she think to ask oh do you give the children sweets? Any 2 yr old who's used to drinking milk and water and then gets sugar is going to down it...especially at snack time. I didn't say that, but I did point out they have waterbottles I carry with them and waterbottles at daycare. Daycare actually reports how much they drink each day. So they weren't dehydrated.
Or - to tell me she doesn't like the way their hair is being done... "Why can't you braid it and make it look nice" To which I have to respond infront of birth mom to the caseworker - I don't braid it because they had ring worm and the doctor specifically asked me not to. "Oh well how long does that have to go on we would like their hair braided" Until the doctor says they are cured???
DH wants to disrupt for all three reasons. Last night's conversation included the fact that we sat through those PRIDE classes and they always encourage you to stick through the children's behaviors, to really try to make it work. And I think we have. But those "needs" of the children, we have done a really good job adapting...but we're at the point though that the girls need more than we can give them. And coupled with it being a much longer placement than we thought it would be, the saftey issue and caseworker being a PITA we're worn out, we can't continue like this. We are just not strong enough to handle the needs, and all the external things. Does that make us bad people? I feel aweful for even thinking the thought of disrupting.
Thoughts? Suggestions? If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: For foster parents...
Oh the reality of foster parenting. I would say the strain on your marriage that the girls have done would be a good reason.
Addressing your numbered points --
1. DFPS - NEVER believe some things they say. They don't really ever know. Sure they thought it was going to be short term, but doing investigations/seeking out kinship takes a bit longer than a month, unless they had started previously. Chances are the kinship that the BM has named are either not appropriate for the girls or the kinship said no. Sometimes that is actually out of DFPS' hands if things fizzle out. (I know from experience!)
2. Letting the Birth family come to the car - I personally had no problem with this, but some people don't like it. I always left AFTER the family on purpose. I also took longer to get going in the car to give them an appropriate amount of time to leave. Even when I found out that the family of girls only live 5 miles away (3 exits off the interstate from me), I still let them come out to the truck. That's not really the privacy that they talk about in the PRIDE classes. They really don't want anyone to know your last name and where you live. That's the big part of privacy. When we sign in at court or the DFPS office, we only put our first names, no last names because you never know who will see that sign-in sheet.
3. THIS is my big issue! CWs only see the children once a month (at most) and then in passing at the visits IF they don't have a case aide supervising the visits. I would specifically address all these problems to the caseworker, not in front of the BM. You don't need another reason for BM to be irritated with you. I always let the CWs know that our children do not get any sugar -- meaning no juice, sodas, candy, etc. That way if the children really start to act out, that has a little to do with it. Their sugar level will be extremely elevated. There's no way to keep BPs from bringing these types of things. But just so you don't feel alone - they ALL do it. It's a way for them to have their children still "like" them. We also had issues with hair in our home. We fought a 6 month battle with lice on the girls. I finally told the caseworker I was not going to ask for approval for a hair cut from the BM because she's going to say no and that I needed permission from her, the CW, because it was for medical purposes. BM wasn't happy, but I didn't care! I always remember to take a lot of things with a grain of salt because they aren't with these children 24/7, BM is going to always find something wrong to make herself seem like the concerned parent and you're doing the best you can.
If all else fails, find out who the CW supervisor is if you're not getting anywhere with the CW. We've done that twice and it always worked itself out in the end.
We thought early on that we weren't going to be able to handle the girls. We stuck with it but it was a struggle.
We understand that the caseworker may not have known how long the case was going to be. Which is why we've stuck it out this long. We really just sucked it up and did the best that we could. But the thought of going another 6+ months scares us. We're just not equipped. I just don't understand why they aren't going towards kinship placement - like originally planned. When we KNOW there are two aunts who have said they will take the girls but the caseworker hasn't returned their phone calls nor respected them during meetings they haven't been presued. One is a DFS worker herself, and the other is the Godmother of one of my girls. Both women have been to all FST meetings and have made an attempt to talk to the girls on the phone ( we called them once a week wile BM was in jail). It just doesn't make sense.
I was "okay" with the coming to the car issue - and the birth family bombarding me in the parking lot after meetings until I learned of the violence in the BF's family, AND the fact that she knew my full name and what county I lived in. That's what really scares me. How did she find that out? I can handle so much...I am not superwoman. I try to be flexible...but its just...not working.
You know, every visit the mom brings them junk food, candy and "stuff". For the most part, a bag of chips or a fruit drink are not going to hurt the kids so we're OK with allowing that. Not to mention that they take naps from 12:00-3:00 everyday, and visits are at 1:00. How convenient? I can handle the crabby, hyper girls once a week. It's tolerable. What bothers me though, is to use it against me and ask why they are crabby every week (because you scheduled this during nap time?) or to send the children home with age inappropriate food - aka candy that a 2 & 3 yr old cannot eat. Then, we are the bad guys for not letting them eat at home - you know, protecting the children.
come-on-baby, thanks for your responses. It helps to see others' experiences.
First, I am so sorry this has been a hard placement for you and your DH to handle- in every aspect.
My 2 cents:
As for the length of time in care, I NEVER believe anything a CW says when it comes to how long they are going to be in care. We keep hearing our girls are going back to live with their dad in August. I'm telling my heart this is true to help ease the pain of letting them go, but in my head, I'm not sure they can transition that easily. (It's been a year since they've lived with him)
I would make a list of ALL my concerns and make an appointment with the CW. You need to sit her down and share all these items with her. Tell her how she makes you feel during visits with BM and that it needs to stop. You referenced some issues that you and your husband don't feel comfortable handling. Ask for assistance. Point blank ask why the family members who have expressed interest in taking the girls are not being considered. I would put your foot down and tell her that if these things don't change and you and your husband don't get more help/assistance, you will have to disrupt their care.
You CAN do this and for the sake of your marriage, your sanity and your lives, you NEED to do this. I wish you the best of luck and please come back and let us know how it goes with the CW. If she won't listen to your concerns, let me know and I'll come b*tch slap her for you!
Remember, you are a volunteer. While these children are EXTREMELY important to all of us (or else we would not be Foster Parents), your family comes first. To Be honest, you have many reasons why these girls are not a good fit and it really doesn't matter that the SW didn't disclose information, or whatever it might be. The fact is...these girls are not working for your family!
We've tried. We actually talked to OUR worker, and she talked to our caseworker's supervisor because she wasn't able to get through to her either. We know our concerns are being heard "somewhere."
That made me giggle, thanks
I've been away from the boards, so i'm really late to this, but i'm so sorry you are struggling with this decision. Knowing how much you care for those girls and children in general, I can imagine what a burden this has been on your heart. It also kind of sounds like you know what you want to do, but are struggling with allowing yourself to move forward and request that it happen.
So I'll add my two cents:
As I think you know, our current placements came to us via disruption. Thier previous foster mom probably shared many of your same feelings - she accepted a placement with unrealized promises, outside of her general parameters, and was feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, not listened to, unsupported, ect ect ect. Having the kids was a burden on her life and causing issues in her bio family, which was the ultimate reason she disrupted. And you know what? I could not be more grateful that she was brave enough to make that decision. Its all about finding the fit - DW and I dont have any special skills or magical powers that she didnt have, its just that they were the wrong fit for her and the right fit with us. 2 months after the kids switched homes, she was matched with a baby that was the perfect fit for her family and everyone involved was so much better off. Follow your heart on this.
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