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feeling sad when i should be excited
so after TTC x18 mos DH and i decided to plan a trip to europe- it was our consolation prize for not getting pregnant and a time to give us a break with the decision that if we hadn't gotten pregnant by the time we got back from our trip we would start IUI prep. Three weeks following booking our tickets to Ireland, England and France we got out BFP. I was nervous about going- naturally- and had a long discussion with my OB about safety precautions, what to take with us (med record wise) if there would be any restrictions etc. Four weeks ago today we found out our baby grew wings. Im trying to be excited for this trip (we leave tomorrow), trying to pack, trying to think about all the fun we are going to have, but all i can think about was that today i was supposed to be 16 weeks pregnant- this is the week i would have started to try to figure out if my gas bubbles were baby movements. I feel like no one understands when they ask me if I am excited i say i just feel blah about this vacation. It feels a constant reminder of what should have been. ironic that our consolation prize for being not pregnant is turning out to be one anyway. part of me is a little glad that i am not pregnant as i think it may allow me to be more relaxed- but most of me is just sad. I just feel like people think I should be better by now, I feel like no one wants me to talk about how I feel, I feel like I need to keep a smile on my face all the time to make other people feel better. I work with a girl who is young (early 20s) is just as far along as I was supposed to be with her "oops" baby, and yesterday at work she was telling everyone about how she and her bf are fighting- how she is thinking of kicking him out etc. I walked away from them because it made me so angry- then I got put in triage with her as my secretary and had to listen for four hours her talk very loudly about baby things with the other girls sitting there- that and her belly is beginning to show- i felt like everytime i looked at her yesterday i had been kicked in the stomach- yet i couldn't keep my eyes off her- im so tired of feeling this way. anyway- just wanted to vent- thanks for listening-
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Re: feeling sad when i should be excited
BFP #1: 07/10/2009, Missed m/c, D&C 08/12/2009
BFP #2: 01/31/2010, Identical Twins died in utero due to TTTS, D&E 05/19/2010
BFP #3: 09/16/2010, natural m/c 9/21/2010
PCOS & Bocornuate Uterus Dx 1.4.2011
BFP #4: 01/11/2011
Wow, I was in pretty near exactly your same boat- last October we booked our big Italy vacation with the idea that this would be our big trip b/f we started TTC in June after we returned. But then we talked to my OB and she said that traveling would be no problem up thru 2nd tri, so we decided to start trying early and got our BFP in Feb (and just like you, I imagined all of the "pg in Italy moments" I would have and just thought it was the coolest thing to look forward to- I would have hit 20 weeks during the trip). And just like you, ppl kept asking if I was excited about the trip and I couldn't really answer- I felt ungrateful when I didn't feel as excited as I thought I should. Anyway, I honestly didn't relax into it and get excited until we were at the airport. Even on the way in the cab, I turned to my husband and said "are we really going? is this really it?!" - seemed like we'd lived in such a time-warped reality- just going thru the motions for the 2+ months leading up to it that I couldn't even believe we were on our way.
FWIW, we had an amazing trip and I loved every minute of it. It was a welcome change of pace and a relief to fill my head with all new thoughts and sights and images that will stay with me forever. It was the exact perfect time, even though I didn't realize it - and I hope it will be this way for you, too.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and that the girl you work with is an insensitive twit. :-( Hopefully once you get to Europe you will be busy doing exciting touristy things and it will give you a little distraction from your pain. I hope you are able to have fun on your trip!
BFP 5/9/10. U/S - no heartbeat 6/2/10 (7 weeks). Induced miscarriage 6/7/10.
Chemical pregnancies 12/2/10, 1/3/11, and 2/7/11.
dx: RPL due to poor quality uterine lining; begin progesterone January 2011
BFP 3/10/11. EDD 11/19/11. E arrived 11/15/11!
Loss Blog | Life Blog
I am so sorry for you loss
. I understand how you feel about the trip reminding you how long you should have been pregnant. My sisters wedding is in early august and I was suppost to be 8 months then also 12 weeks at that time. Well now here I am. Weddings almost here and no baby in my belly.
I really hope you have fun on your trip. I have always wanted to go Europe.
Also, I'm sorry you have to deal with people like her at work. Grrrrr
We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!