Question for the mamas (LONG)

MrsKolasa

Hey ladies!

 I know I don't post here very often, but I do lurk an awful lot

Having been at a lot of big gatherings with some family members (weddings, anniversary parties, etc...) our DS is meeting a lot of people for the first time. My in-laws are really excited about their newest grandchild, however, every time he is introduced to new people they go into the whole adoption story. This past weekend, they actually said "This is our adopted grandson" and "he comes from Kansas".

Part of me wants to think they are just sharing because they're excited, but it's really offensive to me. Don't get me wrong, we have an open adoption and DS will always know his roots and his story. He's young now (6 months) but I'm really worried this is going to keep happening and I don't want it to be a label he carries with him in family social situations.

How would you approach this with them? I just need to find a way to explain to them that while adoption is part of him, it is not all of him. Have you had to deal with this?

I'm just a little lost on this one. I really appreciate all input...

 

JanieJones

Have you tried saying just that? ?That adoption is just a part of who he is, and not the defining label? ?I would explain that you understand they are excited about the adoption process, but that it's your son's personal story to share when the time comes.

It's got to be hard setting your parents straight, but I suppose it would be better to address now rather than later. ?Good luck!?

MayDayGirl

JanieJones:

Have you tried saying just that?  That adoption is just a part of who he is, and not the defining label?  I would explain that you understand they are excited about the adoption process, but that it's your son's personal story to share when the time comes.

It's got to be hard setting your parents straight, but I suppose it would be better to address now rather than later.  Good luck! 

I would totally just say that to them.  I could see my mom saying something similar, being so proud of her grandbaby... and not realizing it could be difficult for the child down the road.

crystalpopcorn

As PPs said, you should just tell them. They probably have no idea they are being offensive.

FWIW, I was about to post something similar. I think I am going to do a spin off so I don't hi-jack your post.

mcmann05

I can totally see my grandmother doing this and plan to nip that in the bud before we bring the child home. I agree, it's his story to tell. You need to be up front with your in-laws. Or, have DH do it if you think it would be less harsh coming from him.

MrsKolasa

Thanks ladies.

I drafted an email last night and sent it to DH this morning. He's pretty good about just talking to his family about that kind of stuff and he'll probably just add to it and send it on to them. I really don't think they have any ill intent, it just makes me become a super protective mama.

You guys are awesome.

Sally J

Another way to help correct the language when it happens (it may take awhile for them to change even if you talk to them) is to say, 'yes he WAS adopted, but now he's just our son' and 'yes, he was born in Kansas but he's from MN', and also change the subject when the adoption story gets brought up and simply say 'it will be his story to tell when he's old enough...do you know what he's doing these days!  I can't believe he is so big/sitting up/rolling over....'

I know it's tough to correct people in the moment, but it does get easier with practice.  Just say it matter of fact, with an even voice and little emotion.  Your response won't be missed and as your son grows up, what you say and how you respond will be more meaningful to him than strangers' comments.  It will also teach him how to deal with the comments for himself when you aren't around because you are modeling the behavior.

One of the best pieces of advice that I've gotten as a parent is that you can't change how others treat you or your children, you can you only control how you react and teach them to react. 

GLynn2009

I have found that explaining how we when from two teenagers to a 2 year old was explained a lot a first meeting in social situations with the family  which are spread out from coast to coast was necessary.

We now just introduce DD as our child and not our adopted child. The extended family did not know that we were going through the process so they are surprised that we have a child. I am not offended when people ask that do not know. DH family has a history of adoption so it is celebrated.

Some comments by older family members upset me more but we just correct and move along.

noonecarewhoiam

Sally, you're spot on with that. Your reaction as a parent is the MOST important thing.

Apparently my husband's Grandma was referring to our children as "DH's adopted sons." I'm kinda glad I wasn't there to hear it, as I know her feelings about her son's interracial marriage.

She will, however, be dead before my kids are old enough to really understand, so it's not worth a family rift.

Ranita

I'm gonna do a spin off post too 'cuz I'm in the same situation and had a brain wave about how we introduce children in general this past weekend.

Go_Dawgs

I personally would have my DH talk to his parents instead of approaching them myself.  I think it would resolve the matter to simply explain that we don't want our child to feel like he's any different than any other family member because he's adopted, and request that they not point this out when introducing your family to people.  My guess is that they volunteer the information because they think it's "cool" or interesting, and it hasn't even occurred to them that it might bother you.

karalee402

Hi love!!   We have told everyone that adoption, for us, is a verb.  We adopted Lily - it was how she came into our family, but she doesn't continue to be adopted.  It was a one time event that took place and that blessed us with her, but it doesn't necessarily define her.  And, like I know you guys are, we are VERY open about everything with our family and with Lily.  She knows her entire story and we are so proud of the way our family was created.  But, I never, ever think of her as my "adopted daughter," and again, though we are proud and very open about it, it doesn't necessarily define her, even though it's positive thing.  You don't hear people saying, "This is my IVF daughter" or "This is my son conceived naturally."

 

Hugs to you guys!!! Kiss those sweet boys for me!