WWYD: Differing opinions on TTC

CarrieLeigh84

BF and I have very different opinions on TTC right now. I am done, and he wants to keep going.

He keeps saying that it won't happen again (what I said after the first loss) and that we'll be fine.

I just don't want to do this anymore. It took us a year and a half to get this BFP, and I'm done playing that game.

 

Have you and your DH had vastly different opinions on TTC? How did you work them out?

rjl07

We haven't quite reached the point where one of us is done and the other isn't, but with IVF approaching quickly I think it's a conversation we are going to need to have.

So far, DH has said it's all up to me and we'll do whatever I want.  Right now I feel like I have to at least try IVF.  I think I'm more likely to regret it if I don't try everything possible.  You and I are in very different places though since I'm 39 I don't have too many tries left at all.  Since you are younger, you can easily take a break for even a few years before deciding to pursue more agressive treatments if you need them. 

I hope you and BF can agree on the path you want to take.  This stuff is so hard and it sucks when you have to add in these other issues. 

AppleRidge

He and I are generally on the same page, although I think he'd be a bit more eager than me to keep trying if we lose this one.

But I'm going to say for the millionth time that the year and a half you spent was not all under treatment, and even when it was, it was not the best treatment.  I really don't think you'll have to wait that long for the next BFP, and if you take the waiting out of the equation, I bet the idea becomes a lot more bearable to you.

I guess like all things, I'd recommend a compromise.  Set an upper limit of a number of cycles and/or type of treatment that you're willing to pursue.  Once you hit that point, you're done, period.  You can go from there, live your life not trying but not preventing, and see what happens.

redstars93

DH & I are mostly of the same mindset but a couple of cycles ago, I had a breakdown and wanted to quit. He supported my decision even though I know it was killing him (he really wants another baby). I took a "breather" cycle and am now back on the TTC train.

The "breather" cycle helped us talk about what we're willing to do (RE appt/IUI/some meds) and not willing to do (IVF).

As sad as it is, the ball is really in our (i.e. women) court. If I wanted to quit, there's not much my DH could do to affect that.

Scout05

I was ready, after the fourth loss, to throw in the TTC towel and focus solely on adoption. DH was not there then, and he's not there now in terms of completely giving up on a biological child.

We have spent a lot of time talking about it, and talking about it, and TALKING about it (to the point that we are SICK of talking about it). And we decided that we are both right, and that both of our feelings are valid.

It's hard, because TTC involves us women PHYSICALLY more than it does them. It's our bodies, and we are the ones who have to physically go through pregnancy and miscarriage. I think my DH felt like, because of that, I held all the control (and he agreed I should hold a large sway, given that it is MY body in question.) But this is his future too, his kids too, and I have to respect that as well.

So, we've come to the compromise: we are going to continue looking for answers, and ttc, but we are also going to begin the adoption process. He is completely excited to start our adoption journey, and I feel better about continuing ttc when I feel like we are pursuing both.

travers081906

Carrie..... ((((hugs)))) my love!  Im so sorry this is so hard...this sucks!

I'm sorry love that you two are feeling differently about it all. The only thing I can suggest is to sit down and tell eachother why u feel the way you do, and try to make one another undertsand! Or if that dont work get tipsy like I did with DH last yr and poor ur heart out. For some reason after we both have a couple drinks, not a keg carrie, we tend to be able to express our feelings alot easier. And no Im not a lush!  LOL I just enjoy a good drink or a fine wine every now and again! So... ~ 

xoxo 

CarrieLeigh84

BBHME - I  kind of like the idea of setting a "limit" on the # of cycles. At least then for me, there's an end in sight, and it will keep BF happy.

I remember after our first loss, we had this talk and I made him PROMISE me that if we hadn't got pregnant in 5 years, we would adopt.

Bwahaha. To think, I was prepared to go through 5 years of this sh!t at one point!

Court1

We haven't gotten there, but we're already way off on how we view the whole process.  DH is fine if it never happens again to have DS as an only child.  I'm already looking at adoption info in case we get to that point.  It usually starts an arguement that ends with me having a major meltdown. 

::Sigh:: I guess that wasn't very helpful.  We clearly need help on the issue too.

suntoto

I don't know if there are any real answers to this, other than continue to talk things out.  DH and I are on the same page- we are willing to pull out all the stops for a biological child, and if that doesn't ever work, we will adopt. 

Hugs, Carrie.  I know you and your BF will come to a good conclusion with this.  

KristysRedBarn

Hugs Carrie.  This is so hard.  I'd really suggest that you take some time.  This second loss is so very new and raw to you.  I think you need to take some time off, you shouldn't have to make the decision right now.  Take the time to grieve and think and maybe focus on something else. 

We haven't always agreed on ttc and a timeline.  Right after our loss DH was ready to try right away and I just couldn't.  I wasn't emotionally ready, and come to find out I wasn't ready physically.  Then when I was ready, he wasn't.  I like the idea to set limits and compromise on the number of cycles.

kew243

After my third loss my DH really hit a wall.  He didn't think he wanted to try again and I was dying at that thought.  We decided to take two months of NO baby talking, which worked because we had to TTA anyways.  I did my RPL panel with good results.  I'm really scared because at this point he has agreed to TTC again, but if we are unsuccessful again, he may be out.

As PPs said, I think it is a combination of time and talking.  Best of luck to you.

ade2be

Carrie - I'm sorry this is something you have to worry about in the first place.

DH and I have mostly agreed on TTC, although, I have to admit that DH is pushing more towards IVF if we need it and I am pushing more towards adoption.  We've both put our feelings out on why we thinking one way vs the other.  I guess for us, that was good to understand the other's point of view.  Through that we kinda compromised that if we need it, we'd do IVF but a max of 1 or 2...and we'd pursue adoption at the same time.  Frankly, I'm ready to pursue adoption today.....but understand his desire to have a kid ourselves.....so willing to keep trying.  So I guess my advice, is a lot of talking

bbhalphen

So far we're leaving it in the hands of the RE to tell us what to do next.  There may be an IVF/Adoption talk in the future, but we haven't gotten there just yet.  I'm not sure what he'll want to do.

Good luck, Carrie, and big hugs. 

ColindaP

BBHME:

He and I are generally on the same page, although I think he'd be a bit more eager than me to keep trying if we lose this one.

But I'm going to say for the millionth time that the year and a half you spent was not all under treatment, and even when it was, it was not the best treatment.  I really don't think you'll have to wait that long for the next BFP, and if you take the waiting out of the equation, I bet the idea becomes a lot more bearable to you.

I guess like all things, I'd recommend a compromise.  Set an upper limit of a number of cycles and/or type of treatment that you're willing to pursue.  Once you hit that point, you're done, period.  You can go from there, live your life not trying but not preventing, and see what happens.

I so very much agree with all of this. You're no longer doing this non-intervention waiting game to see if you just magically get pregnant. You've just started treatment. I know how frustrated you are at how long this was taking, but apply the 20 year test: in 20 years, will you be glad you stopped trying almost immediately after seeking help? Or will you wish you had given it more time/attempts?

 We've talked about what our limit is. I think it's a sensible thing to decide on. I think it can also be a fluid thing. Right now we've decided our limit is one fresh IVF cycle and whatever FETs we might also get out of that (ha. yeah fvcking right, but hey, I'm living in delusionville for a moment). But after that doesn't work either, who knows. We might revise our limit.

 I think this is a decision that, for us at least, changes minute to minute, day to day, mood swing to mood swing, drink to drink, blood draw to blood draw, u/s to u/s. But I feel like when we're absolutely done and ready to quit, we'll know. When we're for sure done, we won't have any doubts. As long as there are doubts, we must not be sure.

bbhalphen

BBHME:

But I'm going to say for the millionth time that the year and a half you spent was not all under treatment, and even when it was, it was not the best treatment.  I really don't think you'll have to wait that long for the next BFP, and if you take the waiting out of the equation, I bet the idea becomes a lot more bearable to you.

I agree with this too!  I was thinking something similar when I was typing my other response, but didn't want to say anything.  K is much better with words than I am, though, so this sums it up perfectly!

CarrieLeigh84

bbhalphen:

BBHME:

But I'm going to say for the millionth time that the year and a half you spent was not all under treatment, and even when it was, it was not the best treatment.  I really don't think you'll have to wait that long for the next BFP, and if you take the waiting out of the equation, I bet the idea becomes a lot more bearable to you.

I agree with this too!  I was thinking something similar when I was typing my other response, but didn't want to say anything.  K is much better with words than I am, though, so this sums it up perfectly!

K kicks my ass on a regular basis. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm pretty tired of all the crap that goes along with TTC, as we all are. 

I know this is a decision I should make along with my Dr, but I'm so tired of being burned by all of this. I think because I was so convinced that if I could just get pregnant again, I'd be fine... and lordy, was I wrong. 

 

triple_sevens

CarrieLeigh84:

bbhalphen:

BBHME:

But I'm going to say for the millionth time that the year and a half you spent was not all under treatment, and even when it was, it was not the best treatment.  I really don't think you'll have to wait that long for the next BFP, and if you take the waiting out of the equation, I bet the idea becomes a lot more bearable to you.

I agree with this too!  I was thinking something similar when I was typing my other response, but didn't want to say anything.  K is much better with words than I am, though, so this sums it up perfectly!

K kicks my ass on a regular basis. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm pretty tired of all the crap that goes along with TTC, as we all are. 

I know this is a decision I should make along with my Dr, but I'm so tired of being burned by all of this. I think because I was so convinced that if I could just get pregnant again, I'd be fine... and lordy, was I wrong. 

 

Obviously, I think BBHME and Colinda are smarties and have good insights into this situation. I also think it's really, really hard when the stories we tell ourselves to make things bearable turn out not to be right. If you told yourself you could survive losing Annalise because of x/y/z and now are in a situation where x/y/z didn't come to pass, it's only natural that you are dealing with your grief over this loss, your past loss, and all of the hurt in between. That's a lot to have on your plate when you're trying to make decisions.

You don't have to decide anything today, you know? You can live with this for a little while and see where your heart seems to point.

As far as the DH/BF thing, my DH and I are on the same page right now: keep trying for a little while longer, then start testing. After that, who knows. I know he's not ready to consider adoption, while I am. That could change depending on circumstances, finances, and future events. I know he's totally cool with trying medication and IUIs. I don't know where he stands on IVF.

He's a one-foot-in-front of the other kind of guy, and I'm trying to be more like that too, because it does make things more bearable.

ERICA21779

At the very least I think you should be granted some time to kind of work thru the emotions and clear your head, etc as much as you possibly can with all you've been thru .   Sounds like you guys already have an open line of communciation which would have been one of my piece's of advice.......I hope that you can both come to a compromise that works for both of you.

eminbmore

Carrie, I'm sorry - I don't have any very good advice for you   I will say that after our last loss, we have taken a few months off and that has changed both our views drastically.  We were both VERY hesitant to try again after this past loss, and considered stopping altogether.  Now that some time has passed, and we have a little more perspective and it's not so fresh and raw, we've both changed our mindset a lot.  I think, at the very least, taking some time to think through this decision could be helpful.  And also, know that whatever you decide, it doesn't have to be the end all, be all.  If you decide not to try for a while - but then try again, that's fine - and vice versa, you can hold off on trying for a while and then suddenly decide to try again.  Nothing is set in stone.

::big hugs:: I'm so sorry you're going through this   I hope you guys can come to a decision that you're both comfortable with soon. 

LMichelleG

Carrie - I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. (((BIG HUGS)))

DH and I are generally on the same page when it comes to TTC. Though I probably would have been more open to IVF if he was. But we're both at the place where we think we're done. No more Doctors (though I may try progesterone as a last resort, if I ever feel up to it again), no more charting, no more planned BD. We're just going to live our lives as if we're never going to have children, and should I get pg along the way we'll obviously be thrilled. But after the 3rd loss, it was just too hard on both of us. We had to re-focus. It took a lot of talking though. So keep the communication lines open and good luck!

Shemico

After this past loss DH didn't want to try again and I wasn't ready to give up.

We saw a counsellor a few times to try and talk things out.

Ultimatly time passed and he came around and we comprised with trying one more time and he'll get the snip once I get ku regardless of how it ends.

butterfly843

Sending hugs, I think sitting down and coming up with a compromiseis a really good idea. That way you both know where you stand. Dh and I are on the same page and are currently doing ivf#3, we have also talked adoption.